[Lilithia]

I've known him for ages and mentally, emotionally, we're as compatible as...as something really compatible.(Sorry, couldn't find a good enough simile ) He's the light of my life and I'm the apple of his eye and all that usual stuff. We've gotten so serious that we've decided to go to the same college.

And I do find him physically attractive, in the sense that I think he's one of the most handsome guys I've ever seen.

Now here's the bite.
Before we started getting physical with the kissing and the making out and all that, I used to imagine making out with him all the time and I'd get turned on just by that.
But when we actually started doing it for real...I felt nothing. No sparks, no fireworks, nada. I mean, it's nice and all, but I just don't get turned on. Well, except for when he's nibbling my ears then there's a slight tingly feeling but that's about it. No racing hearts, no flushed faces.
Turns out the idea of doing it excites me far more than the real deal.

He, on the other hand, is crazily turned on even just by cuddling. Which is secretly envy, but I digress.

As of now, I don't think it's a huge deal. But I think it's going to be very troublesome when we decide to have sex. And I've read that physical attraction is a really essential part of any relationship.
So I'm afraid. Because I really want to make this work but I have no idea what's wrong or how to fix it.

I'd really appreciate any ideas.

[Kallygirlie]

Honey, if you are turned on by him then its not going to magically show up one day. If this is a pretty new relationship and you haven't found that spark in the bedroom, well its just not going to work. Once your relationship matures, the excitement will wear down a little. Great relationships will keep alot of the excitement but if you dont have any of that now, well then you wont be happy. Its not uncommon to think someone is physically attractive but just not have a spark in the bedroom. He may be attractive and a great guy but maybe he's just not the guy for you.

On the other hand, when you and him start getting physical, are you nervous? The first 4 times I had sex with my fiance, I HATED IT!! I felt nothing as well. I was very nervous and it blocked all "good feelings". I don't advise this but it actually took me getting drunk to actually allow me to relax enough to enjoy. After that......well I'm engaged aren't I

How long have you been feeling this way?

[Hopeless Dork]

I think you are mistaken if you are thinking there is going to be some sort of explosion that occurs within you by magic that happens when a guy turns you on. The tingles you got when he nibbles your ear happened because he was on an erogenous zone... when he discovers (or you point him in the direction) of other spots... you'll feel the same tingles.

It sounds like you have a pre-concieved possibly romance novel or romantic comedy induced notion that the skys are going to open up when 'the one' touches you... but in reality it doesn't work like that. Sometimes in order to get turned on you have to actively participate in getting yourself turned on... showing him ways to touch you that feel good, telling him things that make you tingle and going with those feelings as they occur.

He gets turned on by cuddling because he is feeling sexual and wants to be turned on, wants to feel good. Its more about him and how he wants to feel than some static electricity he feels from you. If you put yourself in a sexy state of mind... you will feel more sexy feelings. If you are just sitting around waiting for something to tingle, you'll be left unimpressed... by any man, not just him.

[Lilithia]

Kally: Oh...well, our relationship's not that new, depending on what you're comparing it to I suppose. 6 months and counting. And we've been friends for almost a year before that. But the physical stuff only started coming in last week. Yeah, we're trying to take it slow.

And yes...I suppose I do get a little nervous. I actually suspect that I don't get turned on partially because at the same time, I'm afraid of losing that sense of absolute self control. Or looking like an idiot.
So yeah. It's been like this since we started getting physical.

[Hopeless Dork]

Its good that you recognize your own nerves may be playing a role... I am sure your goal is to have a satisfying, exciting , loving relationship with this guy... and so many people can pass on a good thing because of crazy high expectations for what things *should* feel like. Most good, long lasting, relationships don't start with a collison of the planets... those things fizzle out fast. Its better that you build up, learn each others likes and disklikes... get comfortable (with yourself first, then him).

The fact that you fantasized about him before you were intimate tells me you are sexually attracted to him, but now you aren't getting the physical sensations you hoped for... but once you relax and let go of the nerves that come with a newly physical relationship, you might start to feel those tingles... I'd give it a bit more time, give him a chance to learn your spots ( you are responsible for telling him, showing him how you want to be touched) and seeing if you can start feeling those things you fantasized about.

[Kallygirlie]

I think nerves could be your problem then. You get turned on by the thought of doing things with him so that shows you do have the attraction. My biggest problem was getting over the "looking like and idiot" feeling. You end up trapping yourself in a shell and it prevents you from having fun with it which in return kills your mood. Try to remember, he wants to be with you and he is attracted to you. most men wouldn't care if we started jumping around acting like monkeys, ok well maybe thats pushin it. But point is, you aren't going to look like an idiot so just relay and enjoy what you have. Don't expect fireworks in the beginning

[Hopeless Dork]

With the guys I use to date I was always all nerves. I never let myself go and rarely derrived pleasure from sexual situations, despite being a sexual person that got aroused easily, had orgasms, masturbated frequently. In turn I was also a terrible sex partner for them as well. I never said what I wanted, I laid there like a dead fish and was so anxious that I was barely present or in the moment.

After spending many years by myself, something in me changed and I knew when I opened myself up to a man again... I'd be myself, if something felt good i'd say so , if i wanted something... i'd ask for it. When I met my boyfriend , i stifled my nerves and decided to live the way I dreamed I would... and the reality has so so so surpassed my deepest fantasies.

The only thing that changed was me. My enthusiasm, my inhibition, my approach to being intimate. Letting go of the fear of looking stupid and instead just feeling has given me so much pleasure, and him too.

[Lilithia]

Thanks guy, both of you. So it is the nerves after all. I've always been excruciatingly self-conscious and rather uptight.
I suppose some tweaking of my mind set is now in order.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Kally: Oh...well, our relationship's not that new, depending on what you're comparing it to I suppose. 6 months and counting. And we've been friends for almost a year before that. But the physical stuff only started coming in last week. Yeah, we're trying to take it slow.

And yes...I suppose I do get a little nervous. I actually suspect that I don't get turned on partially because at the same time, I'm afraid of losing that sense of absolute self control. Or looking like an idiot.
So yeah. It's been like this since we started getting physical.

Hun, friends for a year, no contact for 6 months, but you dream It is fear.. Off course that's natural, the fear is making you not let go, and rightly so, after just being mates, and you see him as sexy, wondering and then it happens, you revert to friends..

Get the "friends zone" out of your mind

CW