[belleisangelic]

I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months, how we go into the relationship was a little rocky ( combined with me leaving the country for 4 months and having family issues) but now I feel the effects of this...so called Post-Honeymoon stage.

we get into frustrations alot..not necessarily arguments..he would just say something and I would get defensive and sometimes say mean things.

I try and explain to him that I'm very depressed and stressed out, but it always ends with me lashing out at him in some way. My mother is the same way to me..she's very hurtful with her words and sometimes becomes physical when things get too stressful for her..this makes it very hard to live at home.

I'm a senior at my state university taking up a double degree in Sociology and Japanese language and litrurature, expecting to graduate soon and school is another stress for me. I just feel like I"m being the cause of our relationship falling apart.

I have low self-esteem because of my weight, but I'm working on both of these and it's getting better, but sometimes I'm at a serious low..especially when I'm on my period and he tells me that my low self-esteem is making him become unnattracted to me..which breaks my heart.

I've become more defensive when he says things to me....and it causes him to get very frustrated with uttering any word to me.

this makes me very sad, because he is a great source of comfort,fun and relaxation for me. I can talk to him about anything and he accepts me as I am....he just gets very annoyed with the bad things like my low self-esteem and occasional depressive states.

I really want this to work..when we're together we are very happy and it's hard to stay mad with each other for too long..but when we're apart ( we go to different schools, he doesn't have a car I do and he lives at home like I do..we see each other maybe twice a week) the frustration and anger builds ( inside of me at least) and it gives me headaches just thinking about it.

what can I do to make this work? I'm tired of all the doom and gloom things people tell me like ( you should dump him, it's not working just leave, he's not for you)...I'm not a quitter..and if I leave him because of this...I will be throwing away all of the really wonderful parts of this relationship..I still get butterflies when I see him.

[SurferGal]

I can talk to him about anything and he accepts me as I am....he just gets very annoyed with the bad things like my low self-esteem and occasional depressive states.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I really don't think he accepts you as you are if he gets annoyed at any mood change or the fact that you have low self esteem and can be depressed at times. The guy you are with, who accepts you for YOU, wouldn't get annoyed at anything that you do, he would be there for you and understand. Doesn't sound like your BF does. Bad and good, a great relationship can withstand everything, someone who really does accept you for you, likes you through it all.

I know I'm only working off what you said here, and there are so many things going through my mind. But from what I read, this isn't a healthy, lasting relationship. It sounds like you just really want it to work, but it isn't.

[KMonte85]

we get into frustrations alot..not necessarily arguments..he would just say something and I would get defensive and sometimes say mean things.

I try and explain to him that I'm very depressed and stressed out, but it always ends with me lashing out at him in some way. My mother is the same way to me..she's very hurtful with her words and sometimes becomes physical when things get too stressful for her..this makes it very hard to live at home.


I've become more defensive when he says things to me....and it causes him to get very frustrated with uttering any word to me.

this makes me very sad, because he is a great source of comfort,fun and relaxation for me. I can talk to him about anything and he accepts me as I am....he just gets very annoyed with the bad things like my low self-esteem and occasional depressive states.

This might sound bad, but reading this I feel like you're pushing your boyfriend away. Sure, a guy should understand that we may not always be in a great mood, but dealing with someone who is a bit cranky is different than being verbally attacked. You mentioned in your post that you say hurtful things to him during your 'frustrations' and 'depressed periods' and 'moments of insecurity'. Perhaps these moments are happening more and more often?

Eventually, at least for me, I would get sick of being an emotional whipping post every time my sig other was feeling bad about himself. I wouldn't want to be lashed out at for saying something that he wasn't in complete agreement. I would probably quit talking to him too, as your bf has done to you a few times. It's one way to assure that something he says will not result in being yelled at or told hurtful comments. The fact that the things said are ADMITTEDLY meant to be hurtful is a bad sign. Being depressed is an excuse, NOT a justification, for treating someone else poorly, even if it isn't all the time.

I'm sorry to be a bit harsh, but it is not his job to quietly sit there and take your verbal beating because you're having a bad, depressing day. It is one thing if you're crabby once in a while, we've all beenm there and he should accept that. I'm sure he's not shooting rays of sunshine out his bum every second of every day either. But if your hurtful comments are becoming more and more common place and are causing the trouble in your relationship, then it will fall on YOU to decide that you will stop, that you will come up with more constructive ways to work through your frustration, and that you will treat him the way you would expect and want him to treat you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You are not your Mother, so you don't have to take what she did to you, as "teaching" that being that is the way you are meant to be because it's not...

He accepts you, for you.. You've stated that but I don't believe it's the depression or in-security so much that bothers him that makes you push him away, rather, your actions, words during those times...

Your suggesting you put him down, swear at him, then apologise, it's not you darling it's me...

If he's your comfort through the stressful times, then you need to differentuate this and realise this and accept the warmth and loving from him or you will lose him.

Respect yourself.
Respect him.
CW

[belleisangelic]

thank you all so much for your replies. I was actually in tears a bit just reading them. I'm in Therapy now for the issues I'm dealing with, and my therapist said the same thing about me pushing him away with my unkind words and lashing out.
I don't want to lose him at all..we laugh so much more than we are angry. I still get butterflies when I'm near him or see him walk acros the room. I don't want to lose this because of my inability to control my emotions and anger.
we had a looong talk last night about things, and he says that what makes him angry is that I don't tell him what's bothering me..I just lash out and say " i can't explain it"...he tells me it breaks his heart not knowing what's going on in my head...I trust him and know that I can talk to him about what's on my mind, no matter how rediculous.

thank you all....I'm so thankful I can rely on these boards for support.

[KMonte85]

I'm so happy to hear that you're getting therapy to help you work through your emotions and find better ways to vent your anger. That is a huge step and I'm sure your boyfriend appreciates that you're working on it.

Do try to take his words to heart, it will be good for both of you. when you feel yourself getting worked up, try to think about what it is that is bothering you and express that - instead of lashing out because of your anger. It is difficult to do when in the heat of the moment, but your relationship and your healing will benefit from it!

Best of luck to you and your boyfriend!