[Atraina]

recently i got out of a relationship where the guy was "abusive"( so my family says). first of all let me say that i still love him, second of all i am wanting advice to give me something to help my feelings and my worry.
in the beginning of the relationship we were really good friends. he had a girl friend, but they had a lot of issues. he began having feelings for me, then told me he would think about me while " doing sexual stuff". he and his ex were fighting and he was sick of it. so i gave him some advice. after a few nasty words from his ex to me, he left her because he was not going to let her pull b.s on me just for some advice. a little while later we began dating, he knew how insecure i was about myself and women. he also knew that i don't like liers. well for the first three months of our relationship he lied to me about liking other women. because he was a lier i lost all trust in him. then he dramatically changed. he began saying " i don't want these other girls babe" and " would u please trust that i only want you?" honestly how can i trust him? the saying is when you lie to someone and they lose their trust, you can next to never gain it back. right? well just got deeper from there. i began questioning his answers , where he went, who he went with, who was going to be there, and exact times. so he began threatening me and my family. then he began hitting, shoving, screaming, and holding me against my will.everything was double standards. he could do what he wanted but if i did what i wanted( which was to be with him and do things with him) he would yell at me , call me names and say that i was a selfish (edit). yet i was the one to cook, clean, get him his cloths and more while at the same time never askinfg for anything in return.
the advice i am seeking is: is he a player?, was he cheating?, how can i get over him?, how do i gain trust in men and people when i have been lied to my whole life, abused , and cheated on, and played?
please reply.... i could use the friendly advice.......

[Hopeless Dork]

Let me share with you something that its important to keep in mind when you become involved with someone that treated their ex badly... their very very likely going to do it to you too. We all like to think that we are SO special that he only left his girlfriend, only cheated on his gf, only thought about us during sex with his gf... because we are SO awesome!! No... its generally because they were a douchebag then... and will continue to be one in the next relationship and the next. His bad behavior is reinforced with reward, so there is just no reason for him to not continue the pattern.

You have trust issues with him because of the way your relationship came about... is he telling some other girl how much he fights with you? Like he use to tell you about his ex? Is he telling some other girl he thinks about her while doing sexual things to you? You see you worry about him being a player... because you met him as a player.

You are not alone in thinking that we have some powerful magic that can make a guy thats sort of a jerk, not be a jerk... but truth is -- people that are cruel and cold generally aren't that way because of the person they are with... so they are not likely to change just because they are with a new person.

The best way to find a trust worthy man, a man you can respect and feel safe with is finding a guy that is single... because a guy with a gf that will still hit on you, still want to be with you -- is showing you who he is as a man and how he will likely treat you once you are his girlfriend.

This guy hit you, shoved you, held you against your will.. thats not a man, thats a monster. Your family is right to think you deserve better. A good man will never hurt you on purpose, a good man wants to protect you and make sure you are safe, warm, secure, fed and comfortable... a man that will inflict pain on you, does NOT love you... even if he says he does, he doesn't know what love means if he will put a choke hold on you and hit you -- that is not love. You wouldn't do that to a dog you care about, you wouldn't do that to a person you are supposed to love.

Dont think all men are bad, instead avoid men that show you they are bad right from the start.

[Atraina]

my problem is, i have been in the same exact relationship before. and i keep falling for the abusers and liers. i don't know how to get a nice guy. because they are always so nice when i meet them but once we get" involved" the begin beating me, or when i say NO to sexual things they abuse me.......

[Colorado]

Listen to DH, she is 100% correct here (imo),

The SOB that will strike/abuse any female/child, in any way, in any kind of relationship is a dirtbag that you don't need nor want to be around. They are the lowest form of life on the planet - they will not change - and should be put down.
A liar is right up there in my book with abususers, albeit on a different scale. If he lies, he will steal, and cheat. ...and to me, that equals dirtbag who deserves little respect for he has NO HONOR.

Keep looking and you will find that there are many guys out there who will treat you well - defend you -not abuse you, take care of you - not abuse you.

Don't waste your time on these other guys (abusers/liars/cheats), and as soon as you see this in someone - dont walk, but run away, because once they sink their meathooks into you, you'll have nothing but problems with them.

Trust is everything, and if you have lost it in him it's time to move on. Build up your self-confidence; know that you deserve better, and seek it out.
First and foremost - get out of that abusive relationship NOW, and hope the SOB gets hit by a bus tomorrow.

[Atraina]

thx, all this info was a really big help. me and him have been separate for one month and a half now and i feel soooo much better =)

[Colorado]

thx, all this info was a really big help. me and him have been separate for one month and a half now and i feel soooo much better =)

Bravo Atraina, I'm proud of you!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Atriana

You know abusers seek, vulnerable women.

Vulnerable women are generally, soft, nieve, trusting, loving and they "tell" their to be abuser what they are like because to them, they believe they will be loved if they are a "nice" girl..

Then, a nieve woman who wants to be loved, will also take the sexual induendos as flattering, they so want love that, they don't see that it's not flattering...

So, 1) If a man talks sexual to you, stear clear....especially if he's in a relationship...

2) Look up the word assertive and google books on assertive women, and learn to know what you are after..


Also an assertive women therefore, is not in-secure, and will not take "anyone", they will not let a person see any weak sides, straight away and it may help you not choose an abuser...

They prey on your weakness....and take what they want...

If I can also say? We live in an equal world, ask the next guy to put some washing on or cook a meal... A user will want a woman who does all of this and expect to have sex when they want and think they are the boss...Maybe your culture suggests this, but not in this World if you want respect..Off course, being a wife and taking care of your husband is beautiful, but then your husband should be your soul mate and therefore, he will look after you....your talking "boyfriends" who aren't treating you right...

CW

[caterpillar79]

Try to look for a different type of guy by totally deviating to "what you find attractive". That old formula you have used keep you landing on the same type of guys so I reckon you re-study your standards and try a totally new approach.

I wish you the best.

[rcoreyus]

CW makes a good point about abusers finding vulnerable women. For women who have had experience with abusers, what are the hints for recognising them early in a relationship?

I would guess that someone who easily gets angry at minor things that didn't go the way he wanted would be a warning sign - but even that is something that isn't obvious right away.

It is clear that some women seem to be unintentionally selecting for abusers - If we could figure out what they have been looking for, it might be a hint of what to avoid.

Atraina - I'm very glad you are out of that relationship. There really are good men out there, there is never a reason to put up with someone who mistreats you.

[JadedQueen]

To answer your question YES your ex is, was and will probably always be a PLAYER! The way he treated you WAS abusive both physically and mentally and you deserve better! I am happy to hear you are no longer with him.

As far as future relationships... where are you meeting the men that you have dated (the guys that lie, cheat etc...) I would try meeting guys at church or a social group related to something you are interested in.... and when you do meet a guy take things slow.

It's hard to start a new relationship and trust someone when you have been lied to and cheated on in the past and even more difficult if it's happened in more than one previous relationship BUT.... when you are in a new relationship do NOT blame a new love interest for something that men in your past have done. NOT all men are the same and uless a man gives you a reason to distrust him give him the benefit of the doubt. Often times when women have been cheated on and lied to they bring that baggage into a new relationship and it won't be a healthy relationship if you are accusing, not trusting someone because of past relationships.