[BlueEyedRaven]

So I met this guy and I like him so much and he feels the same way about me which has never happened to me. He would be my first dating/bf experience and just knowing him a few days I'm happier then I've been in so long. Theres a problem though. He has some habits that make me uncomfortable. Like he smokes weed, which doesnt bother me that he does, but he does it SO much that I'm afraid anytime we hang out we're together or talk he's always going to be stoned. I want to see him sobered up. Also he drinks, not excessively, socially usually but alcohol makes me incredibly uncomfortable do to past family issues. I don't want to make him quit his habits, I dont care, but would it be rude for me to tell him I dont want him to drink around me?
We talked about the weed abit and he said he's been thinking about quitting so he can get his life together alittle more. He isn't a bad person when he's high he isnt angry or gropey or anything he's fine but it makes me sad to see his beautiful eyes all bloodshot and I'd love to see him straight. I want to tell him this but I dont want to offend him. He's the best thing thats happened to me in a long time and I dont want to ruin it.
Any advice?

[calicogirl]

well from my personal experiences give it a shot but keep some ground rules like for example tell him its fine if he smokes pot but keep it to a bare minimum around you. i personally hate weed and hate when ppl are stoned around me but i am friends with a lot of ppl that do it. they know its makes me uncomfortable and dont do it around me out of respect. i dont think it would be asking too much if u asked him not to do it around you. the drinking thing well..i would suggest maybe not going to parties with him? idk my whole family is a bunch of alcoholics and i hate it when my man drinks but after battling with him about it for so long i just let him have it. you just have to pick your battles. like i can deal with this but i cant deal with that sort of thing. if he likes you and cares about you as much as he says he'll give u that respect line and if he wont obviously gettin messed up is more important and he isnt worth your time.

[Ashlee T.]

He's not likely to quit any of this until he's ready. And we could get into a detailed argument/debate on whether or not it's okay for someone to smoke weed all the time.... but that would be pointless. I'm guessing you're both pretty young. And if he's spending his time smoking weed and drinking, then he's NOT focusing on a career, his education, his future. What he IS focusing on is being intoxicated and yes......that should be a red flag for you.

If you've experienced alcoholism or drug abuse in your family, by one of your parents...then you are unknowingly so much more likely to find yourself attracted to people that possess some of those same qualities. You'll tell yourself that's not true....but one day you'll wake up and see the pattern.

You have a right to have standards for yourself. You have a right to want your first boyfriend (or any boyfriend for that matter) to be sober when he picks you up for a date, or when he kisses you for the first time, or when you have sex for the first time. You HAVE that right, and you should want that for yourself. I think talking to him about this is fine.......telling him how you REALLY feel about it. Don't say you don't care if he smokes it, or if he drinks, because you do. Speak the truth to him, this is your life too. Speak up for what you want in a relationship. But know that you will not change this fella......... only he will......and only when he wants to.

You're very wise for being concerned about his habits.

[Lunar Keiki]

I think you need to decide what you can compromise on and what are deal breakers. Do you know what you want in a guy, factoring out this guy? Do you know what your ideal man would be like? There are some things that are deal breakers because there is no compromise--for example--having kids. You can't have it both ways. Are either of these two factors deal breakers? Is there a middle ground compromise?

I personally think if you see any type of a future with this guy--not even talking marriage--just maybe exclusively dating him--then you owe it to both yourself and him to be upfront about how you feel. You are not asking him to change for you--you are telling him how you feel about these things and giving yourselves the opportunity to find a middle ground if it exists. Being quiet about these things in a relationship's beginning, then becoming bitter or resentful later down the road is not fair to him because by your silence you basically acquiesced to his activities. Just be honest and open and things will work out the way they were meant to.

[Pau]

I agree with Lunar. I think it's important that you should ask yourself, what is it that your looking for a guy.
Do you see yourself to be with a man taking weed? Will it not bother you in your relationship.
If you feel that this makes you unhappy, then try to talk with him. Maybe you could come up a compromise that works for both of you.