[Ashlee T.]

I think what you're going through is extremely healthy. I would consider what you're going through unhealthy IF you had in a bout of heartbreak and loneliness gone out and jumped into another relationship head over heels.

You thought you knew someone....you thought you knew his true feelings, who he really was..... but it turned out that you didn't. Feeling deceived, on top of feeling rejected is hard to get over.

I totally know what you're saying. You're dealing with some bitter feelings that WILL pass with time. And then there's the guy that will come along in your life that will make you look back on things with J and say "How could I have thought THAT was great. It was NOTHING compared to this.". I know you know this and it doesn't necessarily help what you're feeling right now, but just know that it's true.

This new guy...you've got your guard up, you're scared of being vulnerable, you want control of your feelings. Kissing is a form of intimacy...which makes you more vulnerable. It just scared you. If you like him, are attracted to him, enjoy him, feel wanted and desired and respected by him.........then do not move faster on ANYTHING than you're comfortable with even if that's just kissing. I'm sure you already have, but set your boundaries with him openly. Tell him that the only relationship you're going to be able to have right now is one that moves slow and is patient. Therefore you maintain a little control and won't wake up one morning and find yourself full force in a relationship again when really that's not you're really ready for.


Be patient with yourself pretty girl.

[kygirl]

This new guy...you've got your guard up, you're scared of being vulnerable, you want control of your feelings. Kissing is a form of intimacy...which makes you more vulnerable. It just scared you.

You are absolutely right. We had a fantastic date and an amazing time together and I think at that moment I just completely lost it. I think minus what I have been trying to deal with, it would have been fine. The timing was good based on how well things had went, but I just completely shut down because of the thought of rushing into something else and having to worry about getting intimate with anyone again. I might need to clarify with him again about me maybe needing to take things slow and let him know that I do like him and all, but I have to do this at my own pace.

I know I can't just run away from every guy I meet the rest of my life. And this guy *definitely* has a lot less baggage than J ever did (or at least it seems that way thus far). I just wish I didn't think about it so much. and I hate that everytime I start to feel good about myself and where I'm at, that something that should be good (like having a great date and having someone hold my hand and kiss me) suddenly turns into a an unexpected mess. I felt a bit better after I talked to my best friend afterwards, but I just hate that I'm having to sort through all this stuff again. It is just frustrating and exhausting because it's like you sort through all of it to be happy in one relationship and then suddenly everything just changes overnight and you're back to some place you hadn't quite prepared yourself for.

I know I'll get through it. It's just really getting me down. I want to be excited that I have guys asking me out. I mean, that should make me feel spectacular that I'm in "high demand" so to speak lol But sometimes it just doesnt because it just reminds me that I'm starting all over yet again.

[pretzel]

If I may be so bold,

My dear ky, what's changed about you, personally, that is making you want to revisit all the insecurities that you've worked through with J?

I remember alot of the conversations over the past few months where you weren't always sure about your ability to handle certain situations or with dealing with your own self doubts. I had thought that during that time I had seen a young woman grow by leaps and bounds into knowing who she was and was comfortable knowing that she could handle anything that came her way. Did I lose something in translation?

From the forum I've been able to read first hand the maturing of a young lady into a wonderful, self confident, beautiful woman. I may be older, but I'm not senile.

[kygirl]

Honestly P, (and I realize this is not entirely rational), I think losing J and especially what happened immediately after really just made me wonder if I'd ever be *enough* for someone to really love me and want to be with me. I guess when we were dating, I realized that I was still loveable and that someone could stay with me for an extended period of time. Honestly, even if he had just broken up with me, I think I would have processed it all a bit better. But just the way it all unfolded. It just did something to me that I haven't quite been able to let go of even though I know it had nothing to do with me.

I'm not senile yet either I just am afraid to do it all over again. I'm okay being alone. I've actually come to enjoy sitting at home and not having to always plan everything around/with someone else. But at times, I think that the wanting to be alone is more about not doing it again than me thinking I really want to just be single the rest of my life. It's just hard because I do feel like I've backtracked a bit. I catch myself wondering what to say, what not to say, whether I should even try bc ultimately, they won't like me anyway. In the past, I don't think my self-esteem took as big of a hit as it has this time. It's like my mind is constantly fighting with itself. I *know* deep down that I'm a good person, I am a great girlfriend, and I really think I could make someone very happy. There are just times that I wonder which would be worse...being unhappy because I didn't try or continuing to go thru these cycles time and time again.

I think the holidays also serves to intensify things a bit. BUT, yes, I know you're right. That girl is somewhere in there obviously. I just have to figure out how to get back to that place again.

[Texinator]

if I'd ever be *enough* for someone to really love me and want to be with me.

Is the Pope Catholic, young lady?

[pretzel]

Couple of real quick points before I leave.

First off, You didn't lose J, he lost you. End of story, go to another book. Where in all of these conversations have there ever been any discussions of what you did that caused this? I don't remember any?

I *know* deep down that I'm a good person, I am a great girlfriend, and I really think I could make someone very happy

What part of YOUR words don't you understand?

[kygirl]

I know P. I guess saying it really does help me realize how silly it is, but it's instinctive at times. I know rationally that it's going to be okay. I just don't know how to get my entire being on the same page. I guess it's just going to take some time and there is no real way around that.

And yes, you are right about J. I have to start thinking of it that way. He is the one missing out. I don't want to completely backtrack and start over with everything I have learned the past year. I just have to try harder to stay focused on what I did learn and believe it's going to workout in time.

It's just a shame there isn't an on-off switch.

[pretzel]

I know for me personally, you have way too much to look forward to in life to want to look back.

I'm pretty sure you'll be ok.

[kygirl]

I really hope you're right... I mean, somewhere deep down I know that you are most likely. I just am not seeing any signs that I am going to be getting back to my old self at the moment. BUT...I am trying to have faith and be optimistic! I am trying! Fake it till you make it, I guess...

[Texinator]

Don't analyze too much... just try to have fun and enjoy life. Overanalyzing is a good way to drain both your energy and your mood, because you'll just end up with too many crazy "what if" scenarios flying through your head and most likely without good reason.