[janexp]

Background: BF and I have been together 15 months. We're mid-20s. He's working, I'm in grad school. I've been engaged previously but I'm his first serious GF (he dated one girl briefly some years ago). We have different religions and his parents don't like this (I've never met them - don't really want to TBH, but will probably have to someday) and pressure him about it. They're in denial. BF has previously succumbed to the pressure and we've fought about it twice. After the first time, he sat her down to make sure she understands we're together and its not up for discussion. Didn't solve anything. Second time was a week ago, and he is now careful to mention to her more frequently we're together (so she can't be in denial, I guess). BF doesn't mind we're in different religions.

That's the background. Here's my q: Does it sound like my BF is not marriage-minded? Here's why I ask-
#1. We've been dating 15 months. We've only talked about the future in vague terms. I've stated I want to get married in a few years. One of his closest friends recently got engaged. I told him about my fascination over engagement rings and jokingly asked if he thinks he'd propose in 2 years and he said yes. Weeks later he told me I was pressuring him.

#2. Most of his best friends are coupled up but few of them are married. They are also much older (like mid-late 30s) and live together. He once told me (very early on) he wanted us to move in together "after dating 2yrs." I made it clear I wouldn't move in with him because I want to be married before I do that.

#3. 3-4 months ago, ater my advisor estimated 2 more yrs for my graduation date, I told BF this and how excited I was to start my career. Immediately, he asked me where I'd want to live. He suggested a few places that fit both our wants/criteria, which is a better, family-friendly place, calculated that together we could afford such and such houses and lifestyle. This kind of conversation initiated by him only lasted about a week though.

OK, after all that... Should I be worried? Or is this completely normal for a relationship? I know I should lay off the topic for awhile but I've also been told to have another heart-to-heart with him... so, what should I do?

[Colorado]

In my opinion, he has mentioned that he see's a future with you; he has also mentioned feeling pressured... Be Careful. Now I don't mean just live off of hopes and dreams - because that can only last so long. Perhaps, sensatively mention that it would be nice to have "something" in the interim, maybe engagement, or minimal - promise (as in promise ring). If he is good with that, then I would recommend treading lightly on the subject because he sounds a bit skiddish...
Remember, I did not say to just roll over and be his live in partner - only that if it suits you also, and you have some sort of promise, and you beleive he will stick by it... lay low for a bit or you may run him off - too much pressure will do that with guys.

[Hopeless Dork]

Ack. Why the time frame for marriage? I think if i was with someone and they were like okay well i plan to be married within the next few years it would make me worry about them. Not necessarily out of pressure to marry them... but that love, being happy , other life goals aren't as important (at least from the way that sentence would be heard) as being married in a couple years time. It makes it sound like a quest to the alter more than ... finding someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with and marrying them to cement that.

Why put that kind of pressure on him? Heck why put that kind of pressure on yourself? What if you and this guy don't work out... are you just going to want to marry whomever your dating in a couple years because they are fitting the time frame for the checklist? I'm not trying to be condesending or sarcastic... i'm truly curious.

You mention a fascination with rings to him... that and your time frame I think would make a guy worry you are not into them for who they are, but because you want someone to fill a tuxedo for your wedding day. Rings are nice and pretty... but being in love should be what is pushing you to want to marry someone in my opinion, not because you want a ring really bad.

Its fine to have dreams of your wedding and being married... but before all that should come love, you mention time frames and rings and nothing about how you truly feel about this man, how he feels about you other than your worries over whether or not he's marriage minded.

Most guys want to marry because they love a woman, want to care for her and provide for her forever... their desire to do so should be organic, thats what makes a happy marriage -- when both parties want it.

I mean you have to ask yourself do you want love and happiness and marriage down the road when you have all that -- or do you just want to be married for the dress and the party and the ring and having your big day? That day is just a few hours... theres a lifetime after it.

[janexp]

HD-

I left out my feelings for him because I'm looking for an objective opinion. If I didn't love this man, why would I be with him for the past 15 months? Yes, I could see my life with him as my life partner. He is a great guy and I'm lucky to have him as my SO. But I have to be honest with myself and say I am going to want to settle down in the next few years. I love him but I need more than that; I also want security and stability and someone who would make the commitment of marriage. I see that he is a good match for me, but if our goals are different (say he has no clue when he wants to marry and I could be waiting for the next 10 years.. then no thanks) I'd rather known that now and pull out. I posted my question to see if there are red flags flaring up everywhere that I'm just not seeing because I'm blinded by feelings.

[grrrr]

This is going to sound harsh given that it's written and not spoken, but STOP OVER PLANNING YOUR FUTURE! You're still in grad school which is awesome. You clearly want to use your degree and work. Why needle a future that you're not even sure of? Enjoy your time with the BF - it's great that you two love one another, but really - focus on finishing school. You can't force someone to marry you, move to a place that seems great for young couples, or ask for the significant others parents to compromise on religion.

I'm just taking a stab here, from your postings it seems like you're the type of person who reads the end of the book before turing page one. Remember, you can't control everything and everyone. Enjoy the ride. There are always going to be twists and turns, and if you have a great partner to take the ride with you're luckier than so many people.

[the wench]

i kind of get where you come from....me and my bf live together with my 2 kids from prev r/s and our son and he has no intentions of ever proposing to me(he told me this...)...quite sad about that because id love to be engaged to him so we are promising each other a future together and others see this aswell....as for the marriage bit id be wanting to wait a good while but having some sort of future planned is normal and healthy and reasurring.
if i were you id ask him where you stand and if it doesnt fit the bill for the future you want you need to evaluate your future together.....ive had this discussion with my bf and this is where i found out he isnt intrested in engagement or marriage but i loved him enough to stay as we are and if he does decide to ever propose id be the happiest woman alive!!!!!! but he has to want to...no pressure from me though...even though im sick of people assuming he already has or is going to...makes me feel worse when i know he hasnt n has no intentions of lol.
maybe 1 day we will both get our wishes...our men proposing lol.......good luck to you for your future