[Celeste]

So this post is probably going to sound a whole lot like all the other posts about paranioa, jealousy, and fear of other women. Maybe it is. But I've got to find some sincere advice becuase I am sick and tired of feeling like this.

I've been with my boyfriend for around a year and a half, not that long really. We've both lead average dating lives, had significant others, had many friends of the opposite sex without dating them. I am a strong woman with a good self-esteem, and before this guy have never been worried about infidelity. That may not even be the right word, because I don't think he's cheating on me.

I'm going to try and keep this short. He has an old female friend, no sexual history between them. Their mutual friend was killed in a car crash three years ago, brought them closer. I've been through the same thing, totally understand this. She is also like 4 or 5 years younger then him (he's 25 and I'm 24 almost 25) and it wouldn't have been an appropriote relationship anyway had they done anything. He has morals and is not a shady guy.

Early on in our relationship, he lied to me about speaking with her and seeing her. He has had a problem with lying about mundane things since childhood, as his mother is not a very good person and shattered him in many ways. He would get whipped for telling the truth when he made a mistake as a child, and I understand this trouble he still carries around. Everyone has childhood traumas to get over. But MY childhood trauma is being lied to about stupid things...go figure! And in my past TWO serious long-term relationships, my boyfriends have lied to me over mundane things like wanting to hang out with the guys instead of me, or not having enough money to pay the rent and not telling me. Simple examples.

I am a straightforward person and I say how I feel. But these men never had any reason to lie to me and I only reacted badly AFTER knowing I was lied to, NOT about what they had lied about. Know what I mean? Same goes for current situation. I don't CARE that he has a close female friend, I have many close guy friends. But he assumed I would be jealous and paraniod about her so he lied to me about it.

Long story short, I found out through seeing texts and facebook . So stupid. I freaked, because I am so anxious about being lied to. I try to stay calm, to tell him CALMLY that I would never try to stop him from seeing a good friend, to just be truthful with me. Every single correspondance between the two of them has never been suggestive, just friendly. Fine. The girl can't even go out and buy herself a beer yet. I am in no way theatened by her you know? If he DID have romantic feelings about her, then he's too ed immature for me anyway.

He did at one time, when they were teenagers, have feelings for her. He swears he doesn't now. He promised me after me finding out the intital lies (perhaps 6 or 7 months ago) that the next time he saw her or talked with her I would be the first to know. Well he saw her in passing maybe two weeks ago. We had an unrelated spat about something little that night, and he claims that because of that he forgot to tell me, and it was so insignificant (waved to her while driving his car past) that he totally forgot about it. Ok. I can buy that. I saw her public facebook psot to him saying it was good to ahve seen him, that's how I found out about it. Wasn't even prying at all. He apologized again, saying AGAIN that I would know when they spoke.

Then, a week or so later, I saw a facebook message private from her to him. Saying that she couldn't attend the memorial for this mutual friend of theirs that he organizes every year because it would make her too upset. That maybe they could visit her grave together instead. Totally NOT suggestive in any way. He didn't tell me he read it, but I knew he had because facebook said it had been opened. He still stands strongly by his word saying he hadn't yet seen it, which is just bs, sorry I am not stupid. I've had a stupid facebook since I was a freshman in college, I know how they look and work. He won't budge and niether will I. There was a fight, I cried a lot, and now my paranioa and suspicion is sky high even though I honestly do NOT think anything is going on between them. I simply cannot STAND being lied to.

He has offered me to keep his cell phone for a week to see who all texts and calls him. He has given me email and facebook passwords. I refuse all of this. For one, I will not date a man if I feel I must carry around his cell phone. And for two, that's not fair to him. And for three, if he really was doing shady things, he wouldn't offer me these things.

He is a devoted boyfriend. We live together. He comes home after work. You know what I mean? I don't think he's seeing another woman. But I am so so so paraniod and suspicious that its driving me crazy and making me out to be a bad person when I am NOT that type of chick.

My mom is a therapist. She says he has internal struggles that don't have a thing to do with me, about lying. I believe she is correct. But I want some outside input. I could see how others would think he was seeing this girl or still has feelings for her. I mean even myself, I think why in the world would he keep hiding her messages and lying about her to me or jsut simply withholding information hes promised to give me if he doesn't have feelings for her somewhere? It doesn't hold up, and then other times it does. And I'm sick and tired of it. He knows I am. Every time he's late getting out of work, or takes an hour to reply to my text, I fight back an urge to think hes seeing her or lying to me about something.

How would you think? Am I overreacting? I mean, I've been done wrong. I've never lied to him about anything, seriously. If I have something I feel I should lie about, I re-examine a relationship and make a choice. I don't lie about it.

I am willing to work with him, and to work with myself and my trust issues, on this. AS LONG as I can be 100% that I really don't have infidelity to worry about. But I always come to the question, How can I be completely sure? His word has lost a lot for me now. He swears in tears now that I will know the second she calls him. That we will all hang out together. She is in town for break from school right now, and this is why I've been on edge all week about it. I feel stupid about obsessing over a silly little girl I barely know. But I love him dearly, he is the first guy I've thought about marrying and we love eachother a lot. That is why I let it take hold of me. I don't know if I should step back and try to love him less and therefore NOT be so paraniod or caring, or if I should keep letting my emotions for him go forward....we've talked about it till we are both blue in the face. I've called a good couples counselor but am trying to figure out my insurance issues...

[orchiddreams]

I have a similar problem but suggestive photos. Not sure what to tell you but there will come a point where enough will be enough for you. Lying to someone you care about is never the right thing to do. Trusting someone when your faced with this situation feels completely counter intuitive but the paranoia will push you away and in turn him away and continue to push him to lie. It will snowball. I would like to say that you need to be confident in ur relationship and more importantly yourself, but I know it won't answer that throbbing question of why the lies when you have given him approval and freedom to hangout/be friends with her.

I wish you luck. Can't claim to have the right words when dealing with a similar issue. :/

[rcoreyus]

Some people are compulsive liars - even about things that don't matter. Also sometimes people will lie about things that are innocent, but might appear otherwise. It is very difficult for anyone outside to tell what is going on, even very difficult for you to really know. My feeling is that if you can't trust him, it will destroy the relationship. If he is cheating, it will be his "fault", but fault really doesn't matter here.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

When you feel so strongly about something, it will irritate you till the end...

Relationships are about trust and if you allow this pet peeve of yours to continue USING CAPTIAL LETTERS, thereby showing anger, thereby this pet peeve is huge to you, you will loose the relationship...

I agree with your Mother...this boy has had years and years of having to cover, therefore lie, you can't change that overnight and he's not doing it specifically to you, he has developed a habit, that he otherwise, probably never wanted...now it's stuck in his brainwave, thought pattern, becomes automatic...

When I have a pet peeve? I stir about it, so I don't get mad and from that, we laugh and talk about it, it's a better method to use, because the other person isn't fearing being shot down (as your boyfriend did all his life), and you aren't as stressed, anxcious and reading into things, rather, enjoying your relationship...

CW

[Celeste]

Thanks for your replaies I really appreciate it. Since posting, we had a pretty decent falling out, stayed apart for a day and a night, and then put everything on the table. he is very honest about what he did wrong and I was very honest about letting the suspiciousness control me, and we made a pact of sorts. I love him. He loves me. I *think* everything will be ok. We shall see and do our best

[Ashlee T.]

Hope things work out. I'm the same way, if I find out someone I'm with has lied to me over something small, then I start to wonder "if he lied about this, what all will he lie about?" Then I obsess over it in my mind and it can totally destroy a relationship for me. I simply can't stand being lied to, by anyone, especially over something they had to work to hide from me. Lies of omission count as well....if you purposely didn't tell me something you KNOW I'd want to know, or that you would want to know if you were me, just because you were afraid it would make me mad? Unacceptable.

You're right, we all have things we deal with from our childhoods. As a 25 year old adult, it is no longer an excuse for bad behavior. Is childhood relevant? Totally. But as adults we have to learn to self help...in those instances stop and ask "Why am I hiding this? She's not my mom, she's not going to whip me. She loves me and she deserves an honest man/woman".

If thoughts and intentions are purely innocent, then what is there to hide? You seem like a very reasonable person and obviously have no problem with their friendship. "He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing".

[stressed]

Whether she's only a friend or more, he lied about another woman. He is 25, he cannot blame his mother forever. If he feels he's a pathological liar because of his mother, and tells you so early on in the relationship, it means he knows his situation very well but doesn't seek help for it. He expects to find someone who can accept him as he is. With unintentional lies. Not because he doesn't want to be left, but because "he was raised this way".

I don't think you were paranoid, I don't know many who wouldn't be bothered by it.

Things will get better once she has a boyfriend of her own. One lie can be healed over time, but making it a habit to lie will damage the relationship and your trust.

[baja]

From my standpoint, I think you should try your best to dial-back your paranoia and focus on increasing trust. It seems pretty clear that he is telling at least white lies to prevent an over-reaction on your part. This other girl and the bond they share is important to him and that should be respected. However, I can guarantee that the more you make an issue of her -- if there is nothing more than just a good friendship between them -- the more damage you'll be doing to the relationship. This can become a viscious cycle and I think you both did the right thing by hitting the reset button, opening up, talking and sharing your feelings.

One tip, think about how to positively reward him each time for being truthful. I'm not saying that he will be as trainable as a puppy, but you'd be surprised at how much you could change your interaction from one of him fearing receiving the third-degree to instead looking forward to sharing his day with you.