[Nira]

I love him, I want us to get married and have children when the time is right. I won't be finished school for another four years. I love school, and I want to be able to support myself in the future. We've been dating for the last year and a half. We're both in our early 20's.

I live by myself and when we starting dating he practically moved in. He was staying over a lot during the week and weekends and we saw each other during school... this was the first three months. He seemed completely in love with me. Wanted to spend all his time with me. He was the first one to say "I love you." He even joked around about what would happen if we moved in, ever got married, or had kids. I met his family right away and spent a lot of time over there too. Honestly they like me, ya I'm a little shy but they think I'm a good girl. He's even said I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had.

At the time I was a little depressed, I'd just moved out on my own for the first time for school, and to a new city. I was a little isolated and lonely. Also I was coming out of a fling I'd had before I'd moved and wasn't completely over it. I'd refused to date my boyfriend at first because I wasn't ready, but he was persistent and won me over.

After 3 months I left for a week to visit family and then he asked if I wanted to move in together. I said yes, it just felt like the natural progression, even though it was really fast. When I came back he was different. He stopped wanting to go out on dates, and started spending less time with me. Then he said he'd changed his mind. He didn't want to move in together, he wasn't ready. I kicked him out ( I wasn't up for the idea of him living off me rent free). He started talking to his ex online girlfriend (who lives out of country) and was very clear to me that that's what he was doing. He started flirting with other girls. I started to feel jealous. He knew it and I'm sure he did it more just to hurt me and push me away.


Before he had been kind of a jealous boyfriend maybe a little controlling. But then he started telling me about all his past relationships in detail. He fell for a girl when he was younger and got burned real bad. He's not over her, it been years though. They have no contact.

This ex he was ing around with online who's in another country, that relationship or whatever you call that went on for a long time a few years. They both ed around with each others heads. She cheated on him repeatedly, got pregnant, had an abortion. They lie continuously to each other... I can see he's trying to treating me like he did her. I don't want that. I refuse to use his dirty tactics against him. I want a mature relationship.

He started sabotaging my new girl friendships. I started to notice that his relationship with his mother was a little close. I became depressed. Started having thoughts of suicide. I became really clingy and confused. He was being two different people a this point my loving boyfriend that I'd known, and this mean person. This continued on for 6 months and escalated. I started having break downs where I would start crying uncontrollably. Because whenever I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling about what he was doing he would say that I was being too clingy or too sensitive or jealous. He would criticize me for being reclusive and not going out more with my friends. Then I would get upset because he was upset and I don't want to make him unhappy. I want to make him happy. I would just break down he would threaten to leave me. Every time.

Until I told him I wanted to die, because honestly at that time, that's how I felt.

I found out why he didn't move in with me because his family convinced him out of it because it was too soon. He wasn't allowed to move out before meeting me because it was too soon. He said he didn't love me anymore. I've never felt so worthless in my life. It was like watching myself destroy our relationship and I didn't know how to stop.

Then he started talking more and more about his ex. He started playing us off each other (though we never actually interacted)... more like she said this etc. that she'd called him, that she loved him. Funny because at the time he said he was trying to help me get better. I looked at his messages and found one he sent. sexual references, and that he missed her and he loved her. I confronted him. He said he was just confused at the time, that he was just ing with her head for revenge...( revenge on who?)

I left and took time to think I almost broke up with him... but I couldn't handle the pain of a break up and the pain from what had happened. I thought, and I still think it is my fault. In the end my behavior my insecurity has driven him to do these things to push me away.

It's been six months, I'm still hurt and angry, but I working through those emotions and not keeping them bottled inside (as much). I'm starting to get a life, I'm not depressed anymore though i do have the occasional break down. I know what I want out of my life. I have so many goals, so many interests the only thing that I have trouble with is finding time for them all! I'm taking joy out of life and doing new things and going after what I want. I've seen the doctor, but because I'm no longer depressed I wasn't put on meds. I'm still going back to see her.

Our relationship... he's still the funny, care free, happy person. I'm still very attracted to him, and he's still attracted to me. He has so many good qualities he's family orientated, good with kids (his niece and nephews). I love his family.

We talk about everything, he is the easiest person to have a conversation with I've ever met. I love spending time with him, even if it's just watching a movie on the couch. All the time the problems where going on this part never changed.

I'm trying to get my life together... I just want to know if he want's the same things as me in the future. I already know he want's to get a job, get married, have kids. I just want to know if he could see that happing with me. All this time he keeps telling me that I am the best girlfriend he's ever had. I think he does really love me, he's just scared to be commited. He won't give me an answer says i'm trying to trap him i guess. He says I want everything right now and that's not how the world works. I asked him what he saw me as? Did he want other relationships with girls did he still need to spread his wild oats? of course he had to say no.... I'm just confused. I love him so much even after everything. Things are better. He's insistent that all he wants is me to be his girlfriend right now. very clear about that. It's not like I'm asking him to propose. I just want some sort of security or insurance for our relationship.

I know he's in contact with his online ex, even after he said he thought it was best for him to cut her out of his life. he's brought her up and I shut him down. I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to know anything about her, she's not part of my life. He's said it was a test of character but after I had another break down telling him I absolutely do not what to hear about it, he hasn't mentioned her again. So basically he has free rein to what ever he likes with her so long as I don't hear about it.

I just hope that sense I'm getting better we can salvage what ever is left of our relationship and start over.

[jns]

He's very manipulative and controlling. You deserve better. Find a new bf.

[WildChild]

There is an excellent book about toxic men and how to deal with them. It is written by two clinical psycologists who work in Marriage and Family Therapy; Barry L Duncan and Joseph W Rock. The full title won't get past the profanity filter, but look up, "Let's Face It, Men Are " What Women Can Do About It".

This guy sounds pretty classic, he is controlling and manipulative and you can't make him change. All you can do is (a) leave and cut all ties (b) completely change how you interact with him if you just can't bring yourself to leave.

[Nira]

Thank you. I just checked out the book online. It looks really insightful.

[ren_07]

I only read through about half of this and don't need to read anymore. It sounds like this guy goes hard for a girl because of those new fun feelings that take his mind off of the hurt he feels for past things, then burns out and falls into the same old patterns that ruined all his relationships. And it sounds like his parents know it too.

The point is, he's not able to give you the relationship you want. And from how you started out this post with your hopes and dreams for a controlling man, it sounds like you're not willing to accept that he's not the man you once knew. Or that that man was more or less a man who was excited to find someone new to be interested in.

When entering new relationships, keep your guard up and don't be overly trusting just because you're hopeful of how your life could be together forever. Letting him get away with all this is not the way to go. Realize your self-worth and let him be with those "quality" girls he deserves.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I know he's in contact with his online ex, even after he said he thought it was best for him to cut her out of his life. he's brought her up and I shut him down. I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to know anything about her, she's not part of my life. He's said it was a test of character but after I had another break down telling him I absolutely do not what to hear about it, he hasn't mentioned her again. So basically he has free rein to what ever he likes with her so long as I don't hear about it.

I just hope that sense I'm getting better we can salvage what ever is left of our relationship and start over.

Sometimes, we give in, as not to loose... Your tendancies of suicide, depression, then bouncing back because he remains in your life, all be it that your basically saying he can cheat as long as you don't know, because the suicide, depression will bounce back again worries me..

What doesn't worry me is that YOU have goals, dreams, and that YOU shut him off when he brings up past, that's excellent....

So my advise is, you need to focus on that, not where this relationship may or not go because it will make you stronger, more assertive, confident and you won't ever allow a man to cheat on you....ever....

Be that person you dreamed of, don't stop those plans for a man, too many have and end up with no life....

CW

[Nira]

Thank you. Sorry for the novel I needed to write it all out for my own sake. I've been so full of self doubt, and so busy down playing everything to others that I was half convinced that I'd caused all of this. I've been in love with the idea of what was, and refusing to accept what is. I am naive, I need to grow a back bone. I am focusing on my life and going after opportunities a lot of women never get. I need to get busy and let go.

[JadedQueen]

This probably isn't what you want to hear but to be honest I think you should end it with this guy and move on. He sounds very controlling and manipulative. You are wanting some indication from him about the future, and I don't think he's mature enough to even be in a relationship much less even fathom marriage or children. I think he's playing head games with you and he's probably contribuited to if not the complete reason for your depression.
You did a positive thing and mapped out some goals and dreams and that is a very positive step. As difficult as it may seem I think you need to get rid of this guy and focus on working towards all the things you are wanting to accomplish.
The fact that he's still contacting his internet ex regardless of how it hurts you and feels the need to tell you about it suggests to me that he's just playing head games with you. I'm sorry but if you love or care about someone the last thing you want to do is something that will hurt them. This guy is selfish and you deserve someone that is in a relationship with you and ONLY you, someone that will bring you happiness and not sadness. Don't waste your time with this clown.... focus on your goals and your prince charming will come along and he will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.