[MissLyss]

Okay, I'm going to try to keep this short!

I was extremely happy with my boyfriend; I felt, and still kind of do, that we were meant to be together. We've been together almost three years, and have been having sex for two years.

Recently, I've been really depressed and felt something wasn't right in the relationship. He has kind of a strange family that doesn't talk about their problems, and they all lie to each other. They're having issues, and he and I are both stuck in a rut and not where we want to be in life. Anyway, his family interactions made me paranoid about whether he was lying to me about things.

Anyway, I messaged him about ideas to improve our current situation, and told him to always be honest with me, so he responded listing several things he was "white lying" about.

The one that bothered me the most was that he said he's less attracted to me than he used to be. This hurt the most, because I've been working out more and losing weight -- I even notice my butt getting perkier, lol. I know I'm not unattractive in face or figure, not to mention he always tells me I don't need makeup, etc., although I'll probably try to spruce up more when I see him. I've been in a huge sweater and leggings rut.

He also said he's felt like he can't be himself with me because I'm "emotionally fragile" and that he's tired of constant babying and bored of just hanging out at his house (he works weekends, so there's not much else to do! But we can try to find things). Would this, along with having been together for awhile, his other complaints about my behavior, and some of his biggest issues -- depression and feelings of anxiety over his job prospects, penis size, and abilities (he's never gotten me to orgasm) -- influence his level of attraction? Is this normal? Should I get a complex over this?

We talked after giving him some time to cool off, and I thought about our relationship and came to terms that I would be okay either way -- whether we broke up or stayed together. When we talked, he said he wants to stay together. I'm pretty sure we're both going to work on this, and I know what I need to work on.

I love him very much; he's also my first love, and I think of our relationship as if it's already "till death do us part" even though we're not engaged or married. I want to give it another try with him.

Is it a waste of time? What are your thoughts?

[WildChild]

Definitely don't get a complex about it. If you are planning on getting a 'complex' over something save it for something really big. Like if you witness aliens abducting him, that might be worth a 'complex'. Maybe not though, just skip the complex.


When you come together and there is attraction, you get flooded with hormones ond other chemicals to create the state of being we call infatuation. these chemicals stay in your system anywhere from 6 months to two years. During that time you truly are blind to many of each other's faults. As this chemical love high disapates, you get a real chance to find out what you actually have in common to build a life time on. Unfortunately by this time many people have legally bound themselves together and/or brought a child into the world together. As they start to realize that they don't really have much go on they are stuck trying to find a way to make it work. They may be busy enough with work and kids and such that it doesn't hit too hard for a while but unless are able to create something that works for both of them, at some point they will pay.

This your first relationship, no reason it has to be your only. Give it some time, space and air, see what happens?

[foxman09]

Lol wow I just posted an issue like this but from a guy's perspective. I'm not as attracted to my gf anymore either. She satisfies me but its a LONG distance relationship so it makes things especially difficult when she can't "satisfy me". I don't desire her really anymore, Im finding really difficult understanding how we will have a life together because she lives in Philippines and I live in USA. Anyway, when I was with her for 4 months I lost desire really fast. Sex is great but I really struggled to go through it sometimes. She is a model and she's definitly hot so somethign chemically isn't doin it. Don't blame yourself. I don't like spending all my time at home talking to her on skype either but I don't want to lose her so Ive made a lot of compromises. I've started thinking that it might be because she's my first love too. We both went into it OVERDRIVE. We talk about children, being married, and all this stuff. I think it was too fast and I think shared ourselves sexually too fast or too much. Thatm ight be your problem idk. Being young doesnt help because I dont know what its like to go through a string of really bad relationships and realize what i have is something i should ohld on to. Your bf probably knows this and doesnt want to let go. However it just builds up angst and grudges. I think you guys need space. If my gf would give me space just to really hammer it into my head i need her always id do that but she says she doesnt ever want to see me again if we go on a break. It could also be something sexual. I drifted outside my relationship a bit by looking at porn that had girls with bigger butts which has always interested me. My gf doesn't had one so I satisfied that desire elsewhere. Well she found out about this and cut if off and now whenever i see a big butt I have to do everything posible to keep my head turned away. I'm thinking if I go on to another relationship, I'm sticking with big butts to ensure I can never make an excuse that her butt isnt good enough. In fact my gfs butt is great butt ya just isnt Brazilian and honestly I have never cared until my porn was cut off. Men can be really primal and simple. Let them breathe a little and tease them a bit. Don't be too easy, make him think he's earning sex, make him think he is EARNING hanging out with you. Don't make him jealous just dangle a carrot of some sort. My gf wont do this so I cant use my own advice haha. But anyway theres my 2 cents from a guys perspective.

[thandytheambassador]

i think you should work on it with him. there is no sense in giving up on someone you truly love with all your heart, especialy if it hasnt happened very much, (the problems you explained) then you have alot of wiggle room so to speak. just try and see if you can work it out but if you too just seemed to grow apart or he cant handle you or visa versa, then you cant spend time on beating a dead horse.

[MissLyss]

Thanks for your responses! WildChild, your post makes a lot of sense, and helped me to view the situation. foxman09, do you think maybe you're depressed or have a medical issue? Maybe talk to a doctor? theandytheambassador, thanks for your post -- we're going to work on things!

We talked again and I told him that I don't want to be in a relationship that I'd be holding onto with fingertips, and he was very quick to say it wasn't, that he wanted it to work, and explained some other things and his own issues. He explained that when we first met, my attractiveness was new to him, and he's gotten used to it, which from what I've noticed looking around online, when you've been together almost three years, is pretty normal. He stressed that he's still attracted to me, and we talked over a few other issues. So, we're going to work on it, and I can already tell he's trying to do his part.

Thanks for being here for me for these personal issues!

[Ashlee T.]

I think it's almost impossible to not feel a bit "stung" when someone you've only been with a couple years tells you they're not as attracted to you as they once were. But if we're all being honest here, I think most of us have experienced that at some point. Like WC said, the initial attraction is so intense that its hard to compare that to other times in your relationship as the "new" wears off. But its good to realize that it's not anything about YOU physically that has caused him to be less attracted, but more what is going on with him, his feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem, depression, etc. Those things can certainly affect our ability to FEEL attraction beyond a certain level.

Ultimately, you have to love yourself enough to ensure your own happiness. If you two work on things and stay together and are happy, great. But don't settle. Don't find yourself 5 years down the road in an unhappy, negative, passionless relationship. We so often settle.........don't let yourself fall into that.