[nubianqueen]

Just venting here: so i have a cousin who is tryin to set me up with someone.....the thing is, the dude lives in another state several hours away, and honestly, right now, I dont want to be in a relationship. I really just wanna use this time to myself to do me, date other guys (especially since i havent really done that throughout the first half of my 20s----been tied to one person), and most importantly do me!!! I dont wanna enter into another relationship wondering whether or not i should have gotten to know other guys and what not. Plus, i really am not fond of the long distance relationships. the reason i say these things is because im pretty sure this guy is looking for something pretty serious right now, in hopes of getting married. what should I do?! The answer sounds pretty obvious, but I dont wanna lead him on by talking to him all the time, knowing that he and i are not on the same page. and the thing is, he sounds like a really good dude, i'm just not at that point in my life where i want a serious relationship.

I know it sounds silly, but i really am stressing out over this and i dont know why!!!

[KMonte85]

if you're not interested in getting involved with anyone right now, then DON'T GET INVOLVED RIGHT NOW! Of course you're stressing, you've been tied down for a long time, aren't interested in getting seriously involved at the moment, and have someone throwing a guy who wants a relationship in your face! That's obviously not what you want, and you're being pressued.

You owe it to yourself to be single for a while and "do you" like you've said. And you owe it to the guy not to get involved with you if you're not looking for the same things (especially if you think he's looking for something serious).

Tell your cousin, thanks but no thanks.. and to NOT set you up with anyone anymore until you've decided you want to head down that road again and give the okay. And if you've talked to the guy enough that you think you owe him some explanation, tell him he seems very nice, but you're just not interested in dating ANYONE right now.

Then, just like that you'll be back to doing you, finding yourself, and enjoying the single life, just like you want!

[nubianqueen]

if you're not interested in getting involved with anyone right now, then DON'T GET INVOLVED RIGHT NOW! Of course you're stressing, you've been tied down for a long time, aren't interested in getting seriously involved at the moment, and have someone throwing a guy who wants a relationship in your face! That's obviously not what you want, and you're being pressued.

You are absolutely right about that!!! Took the words right out of my mouth, i do feel kinda pressured!!! i kinda feel like everyone around me wants this, but at the moment, that's not what i want. I will take ur advice and be single for a while. I havent talked to the guy a whole lot, but i will be upfront as far as what im lookin for so there are no hard feelings.

So I shouldnt feel weird about feeling this way right?? I mean, it's not selfish of me to feel the way that i do??

[KMonte85]

Not at all! Don't ever feel selfish or guilty for wanting to discover who YOU are before getting back into a relationship.

You've DONE the relationship thing.. now it is time for you to do the single thing! I'm sure the people in your life that want you to date think they are doing what's best for you, but they aren't. They just want you to be happy, but for you to be TRULY happy (whether single or not), you need to discover what that means for you... and you can only do this when you've got the time and energy to focus on yourself.

Good for you for not giving in to the pressure! Stay on course with "doing you" for a while. At whatever point you decide you might be ready to date again, the guys will still be out there. Why rush?

[nubianqueen]

Okay, thanks, i feel so much better!! Now the thing is, I've gone out with him on one occasion, and while his character as a person is right on, I just dont feel any chemistry with him. and while i've made it perfectly clear that I dont want anything serious right now, he continues to call everyday and that kind of thing (almost like he's tryin to make his presence known or something). I dont know what else to do or say (that I hadnt already said) without being evil and mean, especially since he is really nice!!

[KMonte85]

Have you flat out told him that you're not interested? Sometimes we try to be too nice when letting someone down easy, which ends up they don't get the message, keep trying and get really annoying (been there myself!). If you haven't already, let him know flat out that although you think he's a great guy, he's going to have to be a great guy for someone else because you're not interested in him like that, and aren't planning on dating ANYONE anytime soon, so he needs to move on.

If he STILL keeps calling you or you've made it very clear already that you aren't interested, get a little more blunt with him one last tome, and then stop answering his calls and/or block is number from your phone. Nice guys are great to have as friends and all, but not if they're blowing up your phone every day, it isn't worth it...

[nubianqueen]

I did tell him we could be friends (for the sake of sparing his feelings), but you're right.... I am being way too nice when letting them down easy!! Apparently being too nice equals him not getting the message. In fact, when i did try to tell him, he basically said that he'll wait (as in maybe i'll change my mind). I just havent told him the part that he'd be better for someone else since im not interested ....i guess that's the next step though!!

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who's had this happen to!!! Ive been feeling horrible for the longest time about it!

[KMonte85]

It's natural to want to be nice to others... but we sometimes get TOO nice and don't actually say what really needs to be said. Sure you told him that you're not dating right now, but yeah, you probably also need to tell him that even when you ARE ready to date - he's not going to a contender.

Back in high school I actually got roped into dating a really nice guy who I had absolutely ZERO feelings for but we were both single and my friends thought we'd be cute together (gag! ). I didn't want to hurt him (Because he was a genuinely nice guy) and I didn't know how to say no... so we dated, and the first time he tried to kiss me I refused and blurted out that I didn't want to date him at all, EVER! I actually ended up hurting him more than if I had just been honest to begin with...

Jsut better to be honest with yourself and with him! Best of luck! It sounds like you have a good heart and a good head on your shoulders!