[kurayami]

I've been dating a man for the last month and a half. This is the first guy I've dated in about nine years. I really like him, and I'd like it to go well. But at this point, we haven't even kissed. Physical intimacy makes me quite anxious.

The only other relationship I have been in was primarily casual sex and my partner was psychologically and sexually abusive. I was unable to leave until he actually raped me. Any “relationships” I've had with men since have all been one night stands or “Friends with Benefits” arrangements.

I really don't know how to be in a relationship. I'm generally a little too accommodating, a little too available. The man I'm dating has mentioned this already after only the third date. Friends have said to me that I just need to relax and be vulnerable when appropriate. But the problem is that I don't do either well at all. I'm not sure I know how. This is why I don't date, it avoids this whole mess. But I'd really like to try and make things work with this man.

I really don't know what to do, does anyone have any advice?

Thanks in advance!

[jns]

I've been dating a man for the last month and a half. This is the first guy I've dated in about nine years. I really like him, and I'd like it to go well. But at this point, we haven't even kissed. Physical intimacy makes me quite anxious.

The only other relationship I have been in was primarily casual sex and my partner was psychologically and sexually abusive. I was unable to leave until he actually raped me. Any “relationships” I've had with men since have all been one night stands or “Friends with Benefits” arrangements.

I really don't know how to be in a relationship. I'm generally a little too accommodating, a little too available. The man I'm dating has mentioned this already after only the third date. Friends have said to me that I just need to relax and be vulnerable when appropriate. But the problem is that I don't do either well at all. I'm not sure I know how. This is why I don't date, it avoids this whole mess. But I'd really like to try and make things work with this man.

I really don't know what to do, does anyone have any advice?

Thanks in advance!

How were you accommodating in past relationships? How did you act and what did you do on the first two dates in the current relationship?

Many guys will go with a girl who is too easy, only to have sex one time and then move on. The fact that your current SO mentioned that you are too accommodating and is still with you may mean he likes you and is concerned about you. If he is not controlling and wants to teach you, he could tell you what the appropriate behavior is in some circumstances. Realize it will be coming from a man's point of view.

[kurayami]

How were you accommodating in past relationships? How did you act and what did you do on the first two dates in the current relationship?

In answer to your second question first, I think because I'm allowing him to set the timetable for our dates and being quite available is what he meant by being too accommodating. I don't think that I'm trying to indicate to him that I'm over eager, because it's still in the "getting-to-know-you" stage of things. But it makes sense to me to let him set the timetable to some extent because I'm a full time uni student, but he's a school teacher, doing a masters' degree and works for the air force. He's obviously more busy that I am.

In answer to your first question, I guess it's much the same as above. I've been accommodating with my time and energy I suppose. Is that a bad thing? Should I play hard to get, or feign disinterest?