[restless]

first i would like to say i am male. i started an account to get advice from a community of females, on a particular situation. what i would like, is for someone to put themselves in my girlfriends shoes, and through that, give me advice as to how to proceed.

initially, we came together unexpectedly. we had known each other lightly for years, but avoided each other, as we both had our own (unhealthy) relationships that we were already committed to. by chance, our botched 5 year relationships ended around the same time and, a month after, we found each other in the same city, came together, and it was beautiful. i mean, really out of a story book or something like that. not that i advocate or believe those lies...but truly, we both wanted to love life, together and not be caught up in the co-dependence of possessing our love with each other.

there was a pregnancy about two months into it. we decided not to go through with it. im sorry if this offends anyone; i only want to be honest and get accurate advice. i mention this because i think maybe this is where our perceptions and bubbles began to pop.

she had warned me she comes with a lot of baggage, from old, destructive thought patterns, and from a long term, destructive relationship. i came from a similar place. however, none of this seemed to phase our willingness to start afresh, each attending to their own needs, and sharing our progress...at first.

i slowly began to see volatility from her. genuine, from-the-heart- apologies and ownership would always follow, but after a few episodes, i began to lose patience and tolerance with things that i would normally not mind. for example, her weird friendship with another man. now, she made him clear to me from the start, that she finds him very interesting and he is a source of some inspiration to her. that never seemed to bother me until i discovered he, in her mind, was a sort of back-up plan, in case other things didn't work out. from reading things they exchanged, it was clear that nothing physical had occurred, but that he was definitely in high interest of her, much more than friendship, and she wasn't exactly doing anything to stop him. she also chose to hide/delete any communication they had with each other.

any attempt to discuss this man with her was thwarted by a wall of anger from her. it was not be discussed. she felt telling me she doesn't want to get him in bed was more than enough and that i should be settled and at peace with just that.

the problem now...my problem...and i hate myself for it...is that i don't trust her any more. i want to be a bigger person and let her have the space she needs to figure things out, as she is highly confused....But, there is also another part of me that wants to tell her (again) that i think she is lying or just not being straight up with me, and that i am not able to sustain my sanity and well-being this way. the thing is, i know i will be met with her anger again, and almost full denial of my perceptions on what might be going on emotionally between those two.

she truly is a wonderful person, i adore everything about her...it's not very hard to like her. i know she loves me tremendously, and i do her. but i just cant get over this feeling that i am not being told the whole truth. honestly...i don't mind if she is debating being with someone else...what's important to me is that im told the truth, whatever it may be.

and i can't bring myself to fully leave the relationship. its on hold, i might just be waiting around to hear she'd rather end it. AND THAT'S OKAY...only again, i want to know why, even if it means i hear she lost interest in me and wants someone else, or non one else. i just don't know what to do.

forgive my long letter.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You are right, honesty is the best policy and it is imperative within a relationship.

When there is baggage, there is fear....The fear can simply be of the un-known...It seems that you are ready to face that and move on with your life but she is having difficulty,letting go of her past, whilst still liking her present, her past is in the way.

However, your walking through life in fear yourself, fear of loss and if it occurs as long as you have closure, you'll be okay...That last part is very good but don't fear loss because it gets in the way of two people just being themselves, what will be will be.

The fact that she has mentioned him, means that she wasn't hiding him. However, she is hiding the communication more than likely because of your responses and your responses is making you jealous, un-easy and creating havoc.

Certainly her comments of "back up plan" has caused this, but it's her fear of moving from the past remember.

Often a person can move on if they are totally happy in their present.

My suggestion would be, that you don't act, re-act anymore,try not to fear, and enjoy the relationship for what it is, so that hopefully it will continue to progress in the right direction...Tell her she doesn't need to delete any more conversations and that you trust her, and don't snoop.

If she moves on with this "back up plan" then you've entertained the relationship as a relationship should have been and it's her loss but for you, you'll be better for it in your next relationship because you've learnt important keys that constitutes a relationship.

CW

[LadyLena]

I'm thinking She very well may find this OTHER man a friend or likes the attention he gives. It again, could be jsut a platonic relationship and she confides in hime about the decision of not going through the pregnancy. Although you both decided on this, I can imagine it was difficult on her, Unless she has done this before. Maybe, that fact that you both did'nt go through with it, makes her feel, you did'nt love her liek she thought you did and this other man is compassionste to her hurt. Not saying your not, but you were the OTHER half of the desicion. I woudl jsut let her find her way, and if your meant to be in her life she will return. I sure hope the decsion you both made did'nt distroy what you once had. Honselty, it jsut brought more baggage (HURT) into her life. I'd try and to talk about this with her. Ask he went along with you wanted to please you or if she's really O.K. with it all. What happened between you, will never be forgotten I'm sure and I think it may be playing a huge part of where you both are now. Good Luck, hope it all works out for you both.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Bumping...