[starlesscuppycake10210]

My guy asked me to marry him on my birthday...the 17th of last month......but at the moment, things seem to be slowly falling apart...

in my heart I know things can be fixed, I know he really loves me...but I'm not sure what to do.

Up until now he use to be happy all the time & super affectionate...& super sexual, but now...he doesn't seem as happy, he doesn't want to have sex as much & is NOT showing no where near as much affection...he isn't hugging & kissing me like he use to.

He doesn't want to break up, he's def not afraid to end things because he ended things before when he wasn't happy w/ things...it's like I can tell he wants to work things out & stay on our path of getting married & move in together...we are even trying to have a baby...but yea...this distance & lack of emotion is really effecting me.

When I ask him what's wrong, he says "nothing" & wont tell me...sometimes he will even get mad at me for asking.

We see each other everyday, he wants to see me everyday, but most of the time he just seems spaced out or distracted...we talk on the phone everyday, he never forgets to call me or txt me...so that's good...but yea.

The issues we've had have been a lack of communication for the most part...but I have been pretty dumb & ed at him about things...like him seeming like there is something wrong w/ him, him just being a jerk for no reason, him not being super affectionate 24/7...I shouldn't have...it seems like it's just pushed him far away from me.

I see when he has tried to make things better, but I stupidly mess them up...& then he gets a little distant, & now I'm afraid I might not be able to get things back to where they use to be.

I'm scared, I love this guy...he's the first guy I've ever loved...I don't want to lose him because of my stupid issues, please help!! I know he still loves me & wants to work things out...I'm trying to hang in there, give him his space...like when he doesn't want to be close/affectionate I don't try to force it...I'm trying not to get upset about it, because I know it will just make things worse...what should I do?

I really feel this is my last chance, & if I mess it up I will lose him forever.

He still tells me that he loves me...just not as much as he use to & he says it differently...like the other morning, things seemed great...he was happy, he woke me up holding me & kissing me & telling me that I was all his & for me to never forget it...but last night & today...he just didn't seem the same... Am I reading too much into things?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You already know and realise, if you cling to someone and expect them to constantly ease your mind, constantly say I love you, constantly make you feel secure, there comes a point where they get tired.....and start to lose interest, because there is no laughter, no fun and the key to a man is believing what he says, smiling and giving that same attention back....Knowing.

You mention he asked you to marry him and your trying for a child...

Please forgive but you are asking

Why on earth would you put that much pressure on a person? Both of you?

Not religious but believe in god, definately spirital but isn't the whole point of getting married to spend your lives together, forever, have children?

Yet, your engaged, knowing your going to get married, and already trying for a baby, a bit backwards

You need to realise that love is a beautiful thing and in that , you feel secure because you know he loves you and you him...

You need to understand that just because others have let you down, doesn't mean he will.

You need to realise that with in-security you push people away so the key there is only to work on yourself, your self esteme, yourself inside, the person you know you are, a happy girl who is happy and shouldn't have to wonder, worry because, people come into our lives for a reason, if they leave, they were never meant to be in it past the time, that the entered and exited....why? Because they would not have tested the time...

You are trying that's good.

But, seek advice, help on your past, councelling as to why you need to be loved 24/7, until you love you 24/7 it is difficult because men also like someone who is confident in whom she is, all she believes in and in that, they both communicate and have no problem in discussions....

I imagine you blow up when he says "nothing" and you "nag" That's a very good reason for a guy to shut up and supress...The more he supresses the more distant he becomes.

Work out your past issues so you can live in the present and have a future.

CW

[Mighty Grasshopper]

I think that you guys NEED to break up. You have to develop yourself and attend to your own insecurities and issues before getting into a marriage and bringing a baby into this world. So many red flags here.

You don't always get the situations that you want but you always get the situations that you NEED to make you a better person. The question is: will you take advantage of that situation to better yourself?

[stressed]

He asked you to marry him, did you say yes? If you said 'no' it could be the reason. If you said 'yes' then I don't understand his sudden behavior within 20 days.

You say up until now, has anything else happened between you two other than his marriage proposal?

I don't understand why you are trying to have a baby if you don't live together, maybe you can elaborate on this plan? Who brought it up first/why?

You talk every day, yet there's lack of communication. This shows how talking and meeting daily doesn't equal understanding and communication. You don't understand his behavior and he doesn't want to communicate his worries with you.

You also mention having 'stupid issues'. None of the worries you mention are stupid, they are actually very well founded.

You shouldn't feel scared of losing him, you do so because he's your first love. You haven't experienced a break-up before so it's completely normal to feel scared, but you have nothing to be afraid of. If your relationship won't last you will find another man to love when you'll be ready for it. He's definitely not the only man you can be compatible with in the world.

When you say he doesn't love you as much as he used to, is it his words or the way you feel about it based on his behavior?

Relationship aside, are you happy with your life? (activities/studies/job/other)

[Yamimi]

With him asking to marry you & you guys already trying for a baby, he could just be stressed at the moment. Trying to make sure he has enough for the wedding, and trying to provide for a family afterwards. I say, don't worry about the baby now. You guys aren't even married yet. Work on getting married first, then worry about the family later. Chances are, you're trying to tie him down too soon & it might be bothering him. Just consentrate on 1 thing at a time.

[WildChild]

Why would you even consider bringing a baby into a relationship that is unresolved and troubled? Do you have insurance and employment that will allow you to support a child and pay for day care? Do you have a support system to help you work through pregnancy and raising a child alone?

The two of you apparently don't communicate well, again, Why would you be trying to conceive under these circumstances? A child is a life time responsibilty and and pregnancy and a child will not improve a stressed relationship. It is far more likely to destroy it.

I get the impression that the two of you are young. Have you completed your higher education, training in a trade or gotten to a fairly secure posistion in your work where you can support a family? I frankly don't put much stock in marriage as an institution or as a precursor to having a family but I do believe strongly that maturity is very important. That is emotional maturity, relationship maturity and financial maturity. You need to be in a place in your life, regardless of age, that you can reasonably say that you have a strong relationship, good communication, mutually agreed upon beliefs about child rearing and the ability to support a child. Of course there are no guarantees, things can change rapidly but you should at least start for that posistion of strength.

It sounds more like you are together because he was your first love and you don't want or know how to navigate ending a relationship, moving on and connection with someone new. You don't say how long you have been together. The infatuation chemicals that flood your body when you are attracted to someone last anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. During that time you truly see through rose colored glasses. It isn't until that starts to subside that you find out what you really have to build on. If you are very young and inexperienced you have to factor that in too. Emotional maturity takes time and varies from person to person. Your 20s are and should be a time of growth, discovery and change. Deciding that you have found your life mate then is iffy, some people get lucky but many just lock themselves in and end up either gritting their teeth and just surviving in an unhappy situation or divorced.

Give it more time. Forget the baby making and work on the relationship for a few years.

[caterpillar79]

Ditto, WC.

OP, answer the questions honestly in your heart and re-evaluate your situation. DO you think he is only getting cold feet? If he is bothered by something he cannot share to you, give him space. But then again, if he is looking at the possibility of marriage, he doesn't seem to trust that you'll be able to handle whatever it is that he'll share with you.