[Stalked]

As a woman who was "the other woman" without knowing it, let me suggest a background check on everyone you go out with. Men lie, and we end up taking the brunt of the wife's rage. I am hiding from a stalker as I write this. TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY it may save you alot of heartache, not to mention your life.

Trust me... there are psycho wives out there willing to do YOU harm even if you didnt know he was married. HE is never totally held responsible. We "wh*res" must have paraded naked, threw them down on the ground and forced them to chase us, take us out, treat us well, and spend money on us...

DO A BACKGROUND CHECK even if you are sure he is unmarried!

[KISH]

Insecurities

There will be some people who read this blog and say to themselves, "I'm not insecure", when in reality...everyone to a point is insecure. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a bit insecure. The problem comes when you let your insecurities get the best of you--where as you ask your "friend"/partner questions like.... "Where are you?"... "Who are you with?", questions like "What did you talk about?"...or even say stuff like... "Call them back and put them on speaker phone." No one should have to go through that....Man or Woman. And to be honest...most people act insecure and get mad at you to justify their own actions. Another thing...Being hurt in the past shouldn't be reason enough to be insecure. It's as if the person is making you pay for the things that their former partner did to them. This is why it's so important to heal before we get into any other relationship. The accuser might not see things the same way as the accused, but it is emotionally draining and after a while...the accused does one of three things...

1. They go out and do the very same things that they're being accused for

2. They find comfort im some else's company (even if they're not sexual with that person)

3. They eventually leave the relationship due to the emotional (or sometimes physical) battering.

My suggestion...
If you're the accuser....check yourself before you check your "friend". Maybe that person may not be doing the things that you accuse them of, and because of your own past experiences....(which you shouldn't be bringing to the table anyway)...you lose someone who is or was important to you. Each person is different and should be treated as such.

If you're the accused....you also need to check yourself. If indeed you are/ were doing things that caused your partner to be insecure...correct it before the situation gets out of hand, if you want it to work. Sometimes you 'act out' hoping to end a relationship. Most of the time, the relationship is not even worth it. Whatever the reason, this is not the best tactic; you don't want to end up with your kids crying over you talking about "Mommy...wake up". And we definitely don't want to see you on the seven o'clock news.

[nesha]

I agree that background checks are needed. For the purposes of seeing if their married, if they have criminal history or maybe a sex offender. We have to be safe.

[WildChild]

Interesting posts, I was the victim of a stalker back before there were laws against it. I did come to face to face with him once and did not know who he was. But this problem of not knowing who people really are is a concern. One way to get around it is to date people you have enough connections with to be able to know. Things you do need to know before it gets serious include STDs( a woman I knew didn't find out for 2 yrs that her lover had herpes), general health, financial stabilty (are they facing bankrupcy or have a history with this- they could drag you down with them), employment (frequent job changes could be part of their feild or it could be a red flag), problems with their kids (brushes with the law, addiction, who knows what could make it a tough relationship) do they have a criminal history? There are dozens of questions. This background check might not be a bad idea, it you don't have other info sources.

[rcoreyus]

I guess I'm too much of a romantic. I can't imagine dating someone I didn't know fairly well, or didn't trust. Yes, you can get burned, but background checks, financial stability - its like a business deal.

It is true that your trust can be betrayed. But I think you have lost more if you never trust anyone. It is really that bad to find out that someone is cheating on you? Is that really worse than going though life never believing that you can trust anyone? The first seems a temporary pain. The second an empty life.

I trust my wife, she trusts me. We both have done things that look suspicious. But I know that I have never broken her trust, and I trust that she has never broken mine.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I agree with rcoreyus.

I managed an Investigation Firm for 4 years and a lot of "cheating" went on to be investigated.

I think that in 'Dating" and sites, you cant do that, just use intuition, a woman scorned will come up with all ways to ensure " not next time"..

Just use intuition... if you don't go to their home, if they don't after 30 days introduce you to friends/family even a bit longer, granted, then YOU KNOW....

You can't meet someone and immediately say, lets' do a check on them, that's non trust and relationships are built on this.

CW

[thack]

I agree completely with whats said, everything is situational and its going to take a lot of thought and really taking a step back to look at the situation at hand to get a good view of what is actually going on.

[Livelaughlove]

"I'm not insecure", when in reality...everyone to a point is insecure.

This is a double bind. On one end your say "Your insecure!" On the other end your saying anyone who disagrees with this statement in fact is insecure. Therefore, both scenarios would cause the same outcome.

In reality your causing fear! Once a person believes he is not insecure, you then FORCE them question ones motives then have them accept your statement. CAUSING INSECURITY then having them bread it with past examples of why this statement is true.

This is such poison. It is for this very fact that many men and women look at themselfs differently then they should.

I would go as far as to eliminate that saying as it can do nothing but cause harm to the reader.

I can say without a shadow of a doubt and that I am not INSECURE. There is not one thing about me or my body that I am insecure about. I accept who i am and what i have been given. Would never change anything about myself

I will however agree that there is a level in fear that can be misconstrued as insecurity.

Fear protects us from harm however when taken to the extreme can misguide us into believing it is protecting us when in reality it is us accepting what we do not want to change.

---------------------------------------------------

As far as CHECKING UP ON YOUR MEN.... That is maybe the most DISTURBING statement I have ever heard. And will most likely cause the man you've been waiting for your whole life to think of YOU as the stalker and run like he11.


Wait to shoot yourself in the foot before you start the race.

Live laugh and love

[desert spirit]

A man who has nothing to hide will not object to a background check. I have had men urge me to check them out, just so they knew I felt secure with them. I know it sounds terribly cold and calculating, but better safe than sorry! , let them do a check on me too, if they want.

Now don't get me wrong ... I don't say "sure I'd love to have dinner with you ... right after I run your background check." But I don't get involved with a man until this issue is settled. I done it twice, and neither guy objected to it, even if they did think I was a little weird .. lol

[rcoreyus]

The innocent have nothing to fear. The problem is no one is completely innocent.