[Jellitot]

Hi all. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 and half years now, living together for two. We met at Uni, me being the fresher and him in his 3rd year I love him to bits and really want to be at least engaged - i'm quite happy to be engaged for another 4 years before getting married, because at least i'll know it will happen at some point. I have asked him multiple times if he wants to marry me, and he says yes but he wants it 'to be right'. I think because his parents have had a disastrous marriage he doesn't want it to turn out the same - I remember one drunken conversation where he was saying he wants to have a good job, nice home etc so that everything's perfect. Plus I think the idea of a wedding is scary for him because it means being focus of attention and he has to put up with all our family! (they can be difficult, i don't blame him ) Thing is for me I just love him and want to marry him, don't really care about all that stuff. I could even be convinced to elope! I do say this to him but it's always in a jokey way as i don't want to force him into marrying me! So do I drop more and more hints? Do I propose to him? There's no doubt of feelings between us, I don't feel like he thinks i'm not the one. I'm just looking for advice on how to bring up the subject without looking like a bridezilla in the making

[KMonte85]

Dropping hints and being cute about it hasn't gotten you very far, so I wouldn't suggest doing more of that.. If he loves you and you love him, and you've talked and agreed to get married 'sometime' in the future, then it might be time for a more serious talk. As long as you're just hinting and making jokes about it, he won't really understand that you're serious.

So go out to dinner together, someplace where you can just enjoy each other's company and talk. And tell him how much you love him, how much you want to spend the rest of your life with him, and how serious you are about getting engaged soon. Explain to him that he doesn't have to wait for the great job, and beautiful house for his proposal to be perfect. Because just being engaged and working towards that together is as perfect as it gets. Then ask him how he's feeling about getting engaged soon, for real - no more "some day". His reaction and his response should give you some insight about his feelings towards taking a very real step to matrimony.

[pretzel]

Dropping hints and being cute about it hasn't gotten you very far, so I wouldn't suggest doing more of that.. If he loves you and you love him, and you've talked and agreed to get married 'sometime' in the future, then it might be time for a more serious talk. As long as you're just hinting and making jokes about it, he won't really understand that you're serious.

So go out to dinner together, someplace where you can just enjoy each other's company and talk. And tell him how much you love him, how much you want to spend the rest of your life with him, and how serious you are about getting engaged soon. Explain to him that he doesn't have to wait for the great job, and beautiful house for his proposal to be perfect. Because just being engaged and working towards that together is as perfect as it gets. Then ask him how he's feeling about getting engaged soon, for real - no more "some day". His reaction and his response should give you some insight about his feelings towards taking a very real step to matrimony.

Exactly

[SaharaJim]

Four and one-half years; and no proposal I assume he is through school and financially stable? "Waiting for 'perfect'"? Sorry...doesn't exist IMHO. So what is he "really waiting for"? Or does he like the status quo and doesn't want the responsability of the marriage committment? not trying to start a problem or encourage any "ultimatums"- but as the old saying goes: "Why buy the cow when you are getting the creme free?" Most guys react negatively to "deadlines" but you should let him know that you are unwilling to give him all your youth without any committment. And..the old bio-clock is ticking- do you want children? Your post seems to say you are not happy with the status quo....Ok....time to "shake it up". There is the risk that he may not be willing to commit- I would ask myself seriously if you are willing to "live" with that? But the other risk is that you continue in the relationship until he "tires" of it and walks.

[orchiddreams]

KMonte's got it right. Have a talk but the tone shouldn't be why haven't you proposed or how much linger is this going to take? Instead, he needs to be reassured that life isn't perfect, I'm sure we can be a little more prepared in everything we do- but we shouldn't lose sight of what we want in the first place. I think men have a different type of pressure with engagement- all eyes are on them and whether they are considered able (financial/emotional/etc.) suitors. You need to help ease that pressure and and make sure he understands he doesn't have to do alone.

[gummy2181]

There are two possibilities for why he hasn't dropped on one knee..
1) He is not financially ready - buying a ring, wedding, honeymoon, etc. is not cheap and scary to men (and anyone really).
2) He is unsure about a life-long commitment with you. When a man wants to get married, nothing will stop him (except #1).

Is your relationship moving forward? Do you discuss future plans? Have you two discussed children? Do you talk about your ideal home? Life a few years from now?

It sounds like you've already had "the talk". You have an answer: he wants to marry you, just not now. It sounds like you have to make a decision, either you wait until he becomes ready (and hope he is not waiting for someone else), or move on with your life without him. Timing is everything. You might be perfect for him, and he perfect for you, but if the timing is not right...

[Little]

Original thread is almost a year old ... OP has not been back. Closing.