[Snuz]

Hello.. I recently broke up with my first bf. We were together for almost 8 years; both lost our virginity to each other, etc... I'm 22 at the moment and i've taken an interest in a guy who I've known for about a year (talking online, and we met once at a gathering).. He's 28. I really like him and he likes me too.. But I'm having a big issue with his sexual past (he doesn't know it's an issue for me)

He has been with 7 girls in the past. I asked if all of them were "serious" and he said "some were, some not".. Though more details than that I did not ask because he said immediately that it should be irrelevant.. And another time he mentioned a girl he knew that he had a "thing" with... What does that even mean?... I'm afraid of asking him too much about it..

I'm probably making too big of a deal out of this just cause I've only been with one person and I feel intimidated or insecure about being compared or something.. But I value sex and don't think it's something to be tossed around and I just want to know his view on it but it hard when he is so private about it.. I basically feel like "well, if he sleeps around with anyone just for the sake of it, what's it worth if he sleeps with me down the line?"

I know, I know "the past is the past"... But the past does tell you something about what kind of person someone is; Anything that tells me about his morals is relevant to me..

Is my perception completely skewed?..

Any advice for me?.. Thank you!

[spurzzz]

So you recently broke up with your BF but you have been speaking to this guy you have liked for over a year.........that's not too good on your part then if you are going to be analyzing other peoples lives?

He is 28, of course he is going to have a past as will you by that age. Your 22 and only just broken up with your ex and now your thinking of sex with another man..........Hmmmmmmm. I say this because you say you value sex....

If your views are strong about sex then why don't you wait until you get married to someone who you "love" and who will "love" you back......then you can have "meaningful" sex. You want to date and have sex before marriage then expect that "tossing about" may happen

[Snuz]

I came here for advice not to be judged so quickly.. You don't know anything about the relationship I had with my ex. Yes I recently broke up with him but the relationship was dead for years already and I had spent enough time grieving it so I don't see the problem in moving forward...

I had not developed any ROMANTIC feelings for the guy until recently. We were just friends.
And who said I was considering having sex with him? I just want to get to know him and his views on it. That is what I don't know how to go about doing..

[spurzzz]

Yea I expected that reaction. My intention was to get you to see things from other angles not to judge.............sometimes i'm blunt *yikes*

I was trying to emphesise the different views of sex and our moral perspectives on it. A lot of people would consider you unethical for having sex before marriage so I was trying to get you to see both sides of the fence.....

"A thing" means a sexual encounter basically. May or may not have been physical.

First of all how will you know the guy will tell you the truth in the first place? If he wants to have sex he will say what you want to hear.......so what will be your method of judgement. His track record? Well he could be lying about the number. It may be higher then normal because he feels shy about too little experience or lower because he feels he wants to keep a good impression.

You could look at how Religious he is or how good he is at home? Different types of Morals can give a better all round indication of how a person is.

Has he cheated while being in a relationship? If not, then what a person does while he is single does not matter too much? Or does it?

Its all a difference of opinion.

[Ashlee T.]

I'm not getting the impression that the Snuz is even talking about hopping in the sack with this fella. It seems the concern is: what does his sexual past say about him, if anything?

My thoughts are that if he's 28 and only been with 7 girls, that's probably 20 less than a lot of guys is age. I'm 28, been with nearly that many guys and I'm FAR from promiscuous.

I don't see it as an issue unless you make it one. You need to get the reigns on this insecurity now, because you're not even in a relationship with him yet. What happens if you all do get into a serious relationship? Are you going to question him about things he did before he even knew you existed? .......... let it go. Pay attention to now, how he treats you now, how he makes you feel, does he respect you, does he give you the type of love and attention you need, compatibility, etc. Leave the past out of it.

[Snuz]

Yes, you understand my concern correctly.. Thank you We have not even started "properly" dating yet at this point (just chatting online) so I'm just trying to think ahead here..
I see the rationality of what your saying but not sure how to deal with it in practice, I'm trying hard to just not think about it.. And it works for a while, but then something will come up to remind me of it and I start to wonder, and a part of me is perhaps a little resentful.. I'm a really sentimental person myself, probably more than average.. maybe that's a part of it..

[miffed23]

I too dont think that seven is an amount to be concerned about, I think it worries you because its a difference to the one sexual partner that you have had. We're all different. Try not to think ahead, just go with the flow...when something comes up that reminds you of it, push it aside, get to know him as he is now, not in the past. How did the topic come into conversation by the way, its just that i dont think that it is something that i would want to know so early on However, you say that youre a sentimental person and i get the impression that you like to have a bit of plan, there is nothing wrong with that, infact it is quite sensible, but dont let it overtake the present moments.

If it still is a real issue when you start progressing within the relationship then maybe you should readdress it then, you'll be more comfortable with each other so it wouldnt hurt to talk to him about it, he'd probably put your mind at rest if he's a good guy

[D.D]

i kinda had a similar experience with my bf, im his first gf, but i was in relationships before, so he was uncomfortable with that at first, i felt he needed to know everything about my past, so i was honest with him and told him everything. i did things i shouldnt have done in my past, it took me 3 months to confess it to my bf, i wanted him to get to know me NOW, so that he would realize that i have changed, and that my past doesnt define me. and thats what happened. he was glad that i have changed and i am what i am now.
my point is, his past doesnt define him, it sure does tell a lot about him, but his present will tell u even more. focus on who he is today because thats the person you'll be with.

[D.D]

i kinda had a similar experience with my bf, im his first gf, but i was in relationships before, so he was uncomfortable with that at first, i felt he needed to know everything about my past, so i was honest with him and told him everything. i did things i shouldnt have done in my past, it took me 3 months to confess it to my bf, i wanted him to get to know me NOW, so that he would realize that i have changed, and that my past doesnt define me. and thats what happened. he was glad that i have changed and i am what i am now.
my point is, his past doesnt define him, it sure does tell a lot about him, but his present will tell u even more. focus on who he is today because thats the person you'll be with.

[Ashlee T.]

and a part of me is perhaps a little resentful..

This a major problem. It's wonderful that you're able to identify these feelings...but you're setting him up for failure. He can't win here. He can't go back and unsleep with people. And neither can you. ANd honestly, he shouldn't have to work overtime proving himself to you if indeed you all do start dating. I know you don't see it this way, but YOU yourself are being judgemental by allowing a number to make you think one way or the other about him.

I too am a very sentimental person. But I'm an unmarried 28 year old, I've been in lots of relationships. I haven't slept with all of them, but like I said, I've been with close to 7. Trust me, it doesn't mean I'm any less sentimental. You are 22, you've had one relationship, and you truly have no clue where you'll be by age 28.

If you simply cannot get past this, you need to never let this turn into a relationship. As I said, you'd be setting him up for a relationship full of jealousy, insecurity, and resentment.

Perhaps it's time to not focus on a relationship or a man in your life and focus on learning about yourself for a while. Being single is actually a wonderful thing.