[Guy]

Hello ladies,

I know this is a women's forum so I apologise if my question is not appropriate... I just really need some help to understand my girlfriend better and hopefully someone here can give me some good advice. I will really appreciate it!

I am involved in a long-distance relationship with a lady. We have been dating for about six months and I am madly in love with her. The issue is that she has many male friends and I sometimes have a problem understanding her...

To make a very long story short... She told me today that she has no problem with going away on holiday or for a weekend with a male friend and sharing an apartment with him if he is only a friend, have never tried anything with her and she has known him for many years.

I trust her 100%. I know she has many male friends... I don't mind her having lunch or dinner with a male friend. I don't even mind her texting or emailing old boyfriends. But, spending the night alone with another guy (a friend) in an apartment is where I draw the line. It does make me feel jealous, I am being honest. I do not find it is correct. I find it inconsiderate and disrespectful.

Like I said, I do trust her 100% but I don't know her male friends. I simply do not feel comfortable with my girlfriend sharing an apartment for a night or longer with another guy.

She thinks my objection is stupid and she does not see anything wrong with her actions. She told me I am being intrusive, controlling and that if dating me means always explaining, clarifying and justifying her actions that she is not interested in dating me.

I said to her that, in my mind, 99,9% of all guys would have a problem accepting their gf going away for a weekend or longer with one of her male friends and sharing an apartment with him. Her reply was that she would then rather go for the 0.1%.

I have a personal rule... I will never tell her what to do. I can only tell her how it makes me feel. I am quite hurt than when I told her about my misgivings that I am then told they are "stupid".

She said it really bothers her that I am being jealous.

I don't understand... I love her so much and I think she really loves me too. As I said, I don't mind her having male friends and going out with male friends. But, spending the night alone with a guy in his apartment? I just don't find that is right.

So ladies, please give me your honest opinion. Am I just being paranoid and jealous? Should I just accept the fact that it's okay for my gf to spend one night or several nights alone with a guy in an apartment.

Thank you very much in advance!

[spurzzz]

Hi Guy, I too am a Guy, however I shall give you my thoughts...

I don't understand... I love her so much and I think she really loves me too

You think she loves you? You should know. And I think you do but you don't want to see that side of it.....
Your girlfriend is very immature and does not respect you or your feelings. No it is not right for her to go away with a male friend and share a room, absolutely not man! It seems as if she wants to walk all over you and step on your ego......It has only been 6 months and she doesn't care as much about you as you do for her. Your right in not telling her what to do but as a man you have to draw some groundrules into what is acceptible and what is not or you will find she will constantly be hurting you...

In short, if she wants to go away with him, that fine. Just make sure you get away from her as soon as possible. Leave it too long and you will be more heartbroken later on than you would be if you ended things now.

Again, I feel I have to say this one more time: IT IS NOT OKAY FOR YOUR GF TO SPEND ONE NIGHT OR SEVERAL NIGHTS ALONE WITH A GUY IN AN APARTMENT - NO NO NO!!!!!!

[MarcnMona]

I completely agree with Spurzz.

IT IS NOT OKAY FOR YOUR GF TO SPEND ONE NIGHT OR SEVERAL NIGHTS ALONE WITH A GUY IN AN APARTMENT - NO NO NO!!!!!!

Just about anything can happen on that trip between him and her. You are going to go out of your mind with worry wondering what she's up to. I think you need to talk to your girl and express how you feel. Find out where she stands in the relationship. Does she love you or does she not?

[FortunsFoole]

I find it strange that you having an issue with her being in an intimate situation with another man seems to cause a defensive reaction out of her. To be told your misgivings are "stupid" instead of you and her being able to talk about it and come to an understanding. I think it's great you are so comfortable with her having so many male friends, there really are a LOT of guys that would not be comfortable in that sort of situation. Long distance and their significant other being in close contact with men she knows very well.

I'm curious about what the sleeping arrangements are like? Is there an extra room? Would she sleep on a couch? Maybe she feels having that sort of distance is what makes it acceptable. Similar to as if they were in a hotel, yet had separate rooms? It may just be because she's really not interested in these guys that no matter what advances they might try to make she knows 200% nothing would happen because she doesn't want it. Maybe she feels that your trust in her isn't 100% based on your level of comfort in this situation? Maybe she feels like she doesn't deserve to be mistrusted and it's insulting to her because she knows how strong her convictions are?

At the same time, it may be that you are finding a boundary with each other. She wants to have her freedom, not be questioned on her actions or be restricted to your level of comfort. From this it sounds like she's willing to leave as soon as things don't go the way she wants them, or at least she's sort of threatening to? I would think if she really wanted to be with you she'd be able to give just a little bit to make you feel better. This relationship is not only long distance, it's six months in. It's something you guys could work on over time if spending that sort of time with her guy friends is that important to her.

All in all I don't think it's ridiculous, or even stupid, for you to feel uncomfortable with her spending the night/nights with another man. It's the way you feel and she should be able to respect that, not threaten to leave or belittle you in defense of it.

[miffed23]

No, not right. I have many male friends, one of which is my bestest friend in the world ever, and I would never dream of going to stay in an apartment with him - single and certainly not if I was in a relationship. It is disrespectful.

Trying to look at it from her angle - if this guy is a really good friend, then the least that she could do is introduce you, as her boyfriend, to him. I think it is wonderful that you trust her 100% but she is taking you for a ride. If it were me, and my boyfriend stayed in a hotel overnight with another woman - i'd be gone like a shot

You sound like a great guy, dont let someone abuse your kindness.

[Guy]

Thank you very much for the replies! I really appreciate it!

I do trust her 100%. But, I am uncomfortable with her spending the night with another guy ("friend") in his apartment if it's just going to be the two of them alone. I don't know the guy... I don't know his intentions. He does not have a girlfriend (they recently broke up) but if he did have a girlfriend I doubt he would like the idea of his girlfriend going away for the weekend with one of her male friend and sharing an apartment.

What really hurt me the most is that when I told her it's not something I feel comfortable with that she became very harsh. It really shocked me how she reacted and that I was told "that is just stupid I think".

[WildChild]

I would be more concerned with lack of respect and consideration for your concerns and feelings than with her sharing space with a male friend. If she is going to screw around that can happen any place in a matter of minutes.

[Guy]

WildChild

You're right. She has made the point to me before that if she is going to fool around it might as well happen during any time of the day and not only at night if she sleeps over somewhere alone with a male friend. Either I trust her 100% or I don't trust her at all... I do trust her and I don't believe her intention is to take advantage of my trust and to sleep around with other guys behind my back. To be honest, if she does I will probably never find out. However, I would like to think that she is being faithful.

In my opinion, it's important to have boundaries in a relationship and to treat your partner with respect. And, to take his or her feelings into consideration even if you don't necessarily agree on something. I don't like the idea of my gf spending the night alone in an apartment with another guy. For me that's crossing the line and shows disrespect. So, I am indeed more concerned with the lack or respect and consideration she has for my feelings.

I just thought about something I read a while ago that struck a cord with me, namely when you start to compete with other guys for the time, attention and affection of your girlfriend it's the beginning of the end. Perhaps that is what is happening here...

[spurzzz]

It is the concept of her thinking that you should be ok with her sleeping in a room with another bloke that is worrying. She seems like a free spirit who can walk away from you whenever she wants if things do not go her way......and that is love? I don't think so. Your partner is not so emotionally attached as you are.

It is definately important to have boundaries in a relationship and to have respect for your partner and their concerns if valid, without that fundamental core there is nothing. How would she feel if you spent the night with a female friend of your while on holiday? What is her answer? If it is yes that she is ok with it, I would think she is not mature enough to be in a serious relationship yet or just doesn't feel too strong about you. If it is No, than she is just a hypocrite and so there is no right answer to that question.... There are people out there who think nothing of moving from one partner to the next and not have the emotional attachment an inexperienced individual may develop early on, even when things are not so good.

Guy, you seem quite smart and well put. My honest opinion is that I feel you are heading for a big fall with this girl if you carry on for much longer and let your feelings get attached even further. If she cannot see the boundaries that she is crossing, it is time to move on and find someone who can.

Good luck buddy

[Guy]

spurzzz

Thank you very much for taking the time to repond! I think you have made some very valid points!