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Failure to communicate...

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  • Failure to communicate...

    Firstly I want to say "Hey" to the forum since I'm a newbie :-).

    OK. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and in those two years, we've had our share of ups and downs... Last August we lost a baby that we both really wanted. In that time, when we needed to be there for each other, we actually became more distant... I remember him saying after a few days of grie that he was "over it" but I wasn't. I remember calling him one evening and telling how much I needed him and his response was very cold and callious. He just wasn't there the way I needed him to be which caused us to break up... In January, he emailed me saying how not being there for me was a Hugh mistake and how he'd never neglect my needs and that he's not good with emotional situations and doesn't really know what it means to "be there" (he's always been very emotional "cold" so I believe that). Since then we've been making efforts to make it work. Recently, due to stress and a family situation, I lashed out at him and said some hurtful things. He refused to talk to me for a week because he was hurt by what I said. When we started talking again, he was still sort of ill-at-ease but was willing to talk. We hadn't seen much of each other. The same week we started talking, his Grandmother had open heart surgery (a few weeks prior he'd found out about her needing the surgery and I remember him crying and being upset). Every since then he's been "busy" or distant from me. We've barely seen each other and I really just want to be there for him. He calls every single day, etc. but we just don't see each other. I asked him if he needed to take a break from me to regroup and he said no but given the fact that I feel like I have to make an appointment to spend time, feels like a break all the same. He also just moved, is stressed about financial issues, etc. so I understand that there's a lot going on... I guess my question is, how do I be there without being overbearing. When we talk, he seems so frustrated all the time and part of me can't help but to think I've added to it... How do I approach this situation? Is he really that stressed or more annoyed?

  • Hi, welcome to the forums

    Quite a tricky dilemma you pose us with **scratches head**

    Well it sounds like he has a 102 things on his mind so it is better to tell him that you understand he has a lot of issues to deal with and that you will leave him alone until he is ready to talk to you again......and leave it at that. What you have done is told him you care about him, but respect the fact he may need time to himself and that you will be there for him when he needs it. That is in all honesty the best thing you can do, if you really care about him. If he says he doesn't want that and wants to be with you etc. than you need to tell him to show it and be there with you, not call you when it is convenient.

    In time, if he cares about you, he will let you know....somehow. And don't be scared to ask him the last question you pose, communication is vital in a relationship and it should be open enough for you to be able to ask anything.
    I am going to tell you what you don't want to hear!
    Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't

    Comment


    • He's got a lot on his mind... I wouldn't take it personally. When I'm stressed, have a lot going on, I'm a total grouchpuss, I just need to be left to myself to sort everything going on out. It's just how some of us have to handle things.

      Tell him that you will be there to listen if he just needs to vent or talk. Let him know that you will help out if he let's you. But, IMO, don't go all needy on him, that will be bound to drive him more nuts than he already is.

      Just leave him be and let him come to you when he is ready. You can only do so much if someone doesn't need or want the help you are offering.

      Comment


      • He's got a lot on his mind... I wouldn't take it personally. When I'm stressed, have a lot going on, I'm a total grouchpuss, I just need to be left to myself to sort everything going on out. It's just how some of us have to handle things.

        Tell him that you will be there to listen if he just needs to vent or talk. Let him know that you will help out if he let's you. But, IMO, don't go all needy on him, that will be bound to drive him more nuts than he already is.

        Just leave him be and let him come to you when he is ready. You can only do so much if someone doesn't need or want the help you are offering.

        Comment

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