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Do I just let go?

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  • Do I just let go?

    I need some advice. Completely unbiased, truthful advice my friends can't give me. This might be a little long but I really need the help.

    I was dating my boyfriend for 7 months. I'm 19 and he's the longest, realest relationship I've had. When I'm with him it feels like home, everything just feels right. Even if we were fighting or not getting along there's was no one else I've ever wanted more. After about 5 months, we broke up. I broke up with him because he tends to talk before he thinks and the comments that came out of his mouth really started to hurt me. It made me feel completely replaceable and not special to him whatsoever. The break up hurt at first but I felt myself letting go, moving on. Then on his 21st birthday, about 6 weeks later, I received a drunk phone call from him. I let it go to voice mail and then listened to it, he told me how much he missed me and how amazing of a girl I was, stuff like that. Two days later I got the courage to text him about it, it brought up everything I thought I had forgotten and I missed him. We talked a lot that day, then he told me how he signed up for the coast guard. I didn't think much about it. We got together 3 days later and got back together. It was perfect, better then ever. Then he told me he had a date that he was leaving to go to boot camp. I was caught off guard, I had totally forgotten about it. The date made it seem all too real and I started to get scared. He had lost his way for a little bit and thought the coast guard was perfect, it would give him a job for life, he'd be making decent money, he'd have a purpose. The more excited he got the more I found myself closed off. I didn't know why I was so against the whole thing, he promised he'd right me when he was away at boot camp, he promised we would be fine. Then one night we were talking and he said something that just made me push him away. He said that he'd probably be only coming home 4 times a year once he got stationed. I had so many thoughts. I'm 19 years old, do I want this long distance relationship? What if he leaves and forgets me? What if he meets someone new and I'm stuck here with everything reminding me of him? How do I feel okay when the person that makes me feel like home is hundreds of miles away? What if I never see him again? I got terrified and all I could do was push him away. I didn't even really mean to, it's almost like I was doing it a sub-conscience way. When he would invite me out all I could do was think of excuses that I couldn't go, and once I'd be off the phone all I could think was "Why didn't I want to go out with him?" I didn't want to open my heart to him anymore, I didn't want to share things with him anymore, I wanted to be shut off so when he left it wouldn't hurt as much. Because of this on May 28th he broke up with me. He told me he can't be with a girl who isn't putting any effort into a relationship. He told me I was the first girl to care about this much in a long time, that I was amazing, that he didn't want to let this go, but had to because of me and what I was doing. He didn't know why I was doing it, I never told him my fear and my worries. It's only been 5 days and this has been the only thing I can think about. I want to call him, or text him, and tell him why I was pushing him away. I want all his time while he's still here. Even if he forgets about me I want his final months here with me, so I can give him something to remember while he's gone. I want him, I want the feeling back I get when I was with him.

    My friends are telling me to just let it go, this is just me hurting right now, every girl wants their ex back at first. That I shouldn't text him, I just need to go through the motions and just move on. I've never been something serious so I don't know how to react to what I'm feeling, all I know is I want him back. I just wanted advice on what you would do? My friends have their opinions because they know him, and didn't like him, which I don't know why. So maybe that's why they're telling me to let go. I don't know. Just what would you do? Let it go? Or get it back?
    Last edited by lissax; 06-02-2011, 09:00 AM.

  • Whether or not you get back together with him, I think you should at least tell him WHY. Why you were pushing him away, your fears, etc. To give both you and him closure. He may be sitting there to with the same questions.

    Communication is huge in a relationship, you didn't have this with him. You should have been able to communicate your thoughts and feelings with him, instead you pushed him away and he did what he felt he needed to do.


    • Lisssax; you are 19 yoa. YOUNG! That isn't to say that your emotions are any less real and sometimes painful as anyone else's are;but you lack experience in dealing with the "consequences" of decisions you make. What is it you want out of your contact with this young man? A "boyfriend" for a few more months? A seaman with a "forever memory" of you and that "something to remember"? Or do you think he will abandon his service and "settle down" with you? Or, are you willing to live in "port" awaiting his "4 times a year" return? (Cue: BRANDY by the 70's band BREAD)
      I think you need to examine what you think you are going to "get" out of this relationship and ask yourself if that is enough? If the answer is "no" then your friends are right- let it and him go.


      • Whether or not you get back together with him, I think you should at least tell him WHY.
        You do need to at least explain to him how you feel. Once you hear his reaction, he'll understand and change how he acts/approaches you.

        It sounds like you really do care for him, and at the beginning of your statement, you said you've never felt like this for anyone. If he's that important to you, what's going to be harder to live with: letting him go for good or having him but not such a smooth path with his military lifestyle?

        I know MANY couples who are going thru this. NOT ONE OF THEM has broken up, a couple have gotten married, and ALL OF THEM have become incredibly close and understanding of one another because of the military. Don't doom a scenario before it starts. Your anxiety is creating issues that haven't even occurred yet. You're young and shouldn't be so worried about the future. Men live in the here and now, so he's not foreseeing what you are and isn't as anxious, but more or less excited. Be happy for him and share this with him by deciding to give it a shot!
        In the end, the king and the pawn both go into the same box.


        • I want his final months here with me, so I can give him something to remember while he's gone. I want him, I want the feeling back I get when I was with him.
          I think you've answered your own question and that the Title belongs with your friends...

          This is like a fishing rod, you are the rod, reeling him in, sending him out, reeling him in, sending him out.

          Age is but a number. The person you "choose" in life has a soul, emotions and people should not mess with those, and it should be equal.

          So, if you have a few months? You already have feelings for him, you ascertain, if he just wants someone to call his own, whilst he is away, so that he has someone. And, ask yourself if your motive is to give him such a time that he will never forget you, or if it's time that will bring you both closer and therefore long distance is not an issue.


          • If you go for this, it will be mostly a long distance relationship. To make a long distance relationship work, communication is a must. Can you and he keep the communications going and open up to each other at times other than times of stress?
            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia



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