[anniemx]

My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago. He broke up with me because he's going through so much in his life right now and he felt like he couldn't give me what I want. In the past he's done a lot to hurt me. Mainly just being so closed off and, what I think, suffering from serious commitment uses ever since his parents divorced. (Which happened while we were together)

Anyway, last night he called me telling me he wants to see me. Being dumb, I jumped at the chance. As soon as I saw him everything I've been feeling just came flying out. Just how he talks about the future with me then pushes me away, how him just messing with my head and hurt hurts, how I feel like I bend over backwards for him and I get nothing anymore, that he's not the boy I met but I still don't wanna lose him. I told him how much I missed him while we were apart, I told him he broke my heart. I guess I shouldn't have poured out my heart like that but everything just came rushing back and out.

His response to all that was "I'm , I'm sorry." I told him I need validation, I needed to here he missed me and cares and needs me. And all he said was "I called, didn't I?" It just made me feel so dumb. The short answers and his silence gave me validation... that I shouldn't be there.

And I just wondered, can you be in a relationship with a guy who can't tell you he cares about you when that's all you need to hear? Can you be with a guy who is closed off from showing any affection? I just wanted thoughts and opinions, if you think its possible!?

[Texinator]

I don't see the point of staying in a relationship like that. A romance is a partnership in which people are meant to share things, including their feelings for each other. But some people just can't get themselves to do that, and I've known guys that would even rather break off a relationship than tell a woman they love her. You don't need silliness like that in your life.

[Hopeless Dork]

Not every closed off person is a hopeless case... but if you make every effort to tell him what you need from him to be happy and he doesn't begin to make even the slightest effort to fullfill those needs...then it might NOT be worth the patience involved in being with someone that taks a long time to let their walls down.

When I first started dating my bf he was closed off emotionally, um.. I guess in some ways he still is and always will be.. he's just built different than me, and I accept that. We get along awesomely because he, even if he doesn't organically think to do something or say something , makes the effort to do it to make me feel loved and happy. When I tell him 'it hurts me when you don't do this, or don't say this...' when i say 'it makes me feel so happy when you do this and when you say this'... he LISTENS to me. And makes a great effort to keep me happy and fill MY emotional needs... even if his arent the same.

He might not need to hear how much I care about him as often as I need to hear it from him. He might not feel like saying it as often as I like to hear it... but he knows what makes me happy and the fact that he is willing to make the effort to keep me that way... demonstrates for me how much he cares, even if the way he cares is different than the way I care... I can still feel his love in his willingness to step outside his comfort zone, to make me comfortable.

It was not overnight and yes, years later, he will still go into a shell sometimes that I cant penetrate. But I have personally decided that I can live with that... that he loves differently than I love, but as long as he is making me feel loved and I feel like I am able to make him feel loved and happy, everything is awesome.

But if your guy is 1. Not on the same emotional page and 2. Isn't willing to look at how you feel and try to accomadate your needs...at least in a compromising fashion... then it could be just not the right time in his life (if it ever will be) for him to be in an intimate relationship, long term, committed... relationship.. as he just can't allow himself to be open enough to it.

If thats the case, if you tell him what you want to hear, need to hear , and he shrugs, then yeah... it might be time to walk away rather than beat your head against the wall. But if you just expect him to know what you need:"I want to feel cared about" without giving him very specific definition of what that means as in : when you call me in the morning, I feel cared about. When you hug me when you come home, I feel cared about -- you aren't giving him a fighting chance if you don't let him know specifically what he could do to make you feel loved.... so think about all that and determain whether its a case of misunderstanding or a case of understanding but unable to give you what you need from this relationship.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I don't think you should ever call yourself dumb, rather, hopeful and that is what is was/is.

I don't know if you two are sexual but 1) if so, is that close or also shut off? And, if so did it occur that night?

I also don't know how old you are and a lot of guys take some time to be able to feel they can even show emotions it comes across as weak in their eyes when young....

Maybe give us a little more insight but in short if he has always been like this, he will always be like this at least until he matures and realises the worth of sharing emotions.