[Imoen]

Greetings, I'm a 20 (soon to be 21) year old; currently living with my father and step-mother.

The situation at home is not very peachy, but we do get along up to a certain point. However, it's taken a turn for the worse after my father demanded that I quit dating someone I truly care about. The reason being that I shouldn't date anyone until I am totally finished with my studies (4 years to go), because our relationship might result in sliding grades. Keeping in mind that my grades are one of the highest in my class; my grades actually improved during the time we "were" together.

As for my other half, my father told me that he seemed like a good man after they met each other. However, I've been suspecting that my step-mother has been talking against our relationship because well, she hates me.

Another factor is that my father is extremely headstrong, up to the point were a proper discussion is out of the question, and it's either his way or nothing at all.


So, what exactly am I going to do? I truly love my other half and I don't want to breakup with him. On the other hand, I'm afraid to lie to my father; keeping in mind that he has aggressive tendencies.


Thanks in Advance,
Imoen

[Ashlee T.]

I'd think if your step mother truly hated you, then she'd not be speaking against this relationship, in hopes that perhaps you would end up moving out to be with the guy or get married etc. In other words, if she hates you, looks like she'd be eager to get rid of you. Stopping you from dating him just makes you around even more. So it makes me think there is something else going on here..........

Are you working at all? If not, have you considered getting a part time job (I know it's hard to do while you're in school but it is done by many), finding some college roomates and moving out? It sounds to me like this home situation is a very unhealthy one. You should not be fearful of your own father. And if you truly are, it's time to get out.

My opinion is that unless he is paying for your college and your grades are suffering, he should not be dictating who you date. Especially if he even acknowledged the guy seems like a good one.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

This is so where families fall out, the non under-standing of communication and whom you have raised, a daughter that is already way achieving, head strong, who intends to succeed and so, why does she need rules that otherwise, states the exact opposite?

Surely he has seen your grades and that they have improved, get a letter from your teacher outlining the past year of your grades, give it to him as surely, as you have stated they have actually improved, it will reflect this and show this and as you hand it to him, say "Dad, I love you and all that you've guided me in life, look at these grades for the past year, obviously you've bought me up the right way, I am doing better now than I was a year ago, this relationship is not affecting my life in a negative way at all, rather a positive way because you bought me up the right way, and I am 20 years of age, at 25 trying to find someone? I'll be an old maid in a hurry to get married, and have babies, if someone will have me, I don't need, or want that stress on me, I'd rather work on my studies, pass, be happy, positive and go with life in all the right directions"..And, if you can't say that write it in a note with the letter..

Ultimately, you need to obtain part time work and a little place of your own, you are a grown girl now, and old enough to make your own decisions in life, you have to stand on your own two feet to get there.

And, I agree with BD regarding your step-mother, that doesn't make sense, if she was spiteful she wouldn't want you living there and would find a way to get you out.

[Imoen]

Sorry for not replying so soon.

I understand that my step-mother might not be the one telling about my boyfriend. I'm so confused right now.... me and my family have been through so many things, and I do not have the courage to just leave them alone after what we've been through and I do love them so much. My sister the most, she is really sensitive and she has had suicidal intentions before. Just leaving would make the whole situation much worse.

However it has come to a point where I am shaking with fear to tell my dad that I'm going out with my friends, I've been lying to him about me and my boyfriend... there seems to be no other choice! I'm planning to leave the house once I finish with my studies and get a good and steady job. My boyfriend is so helpful and he is so willing to help me with moving out, financially and everything. However we cannot do this right now, we are both still studying and we have four more years to go (we are attending the same classes). Working while studying is definitely not an option in my country. Our school starts at 8 am and does not end before 4.30pm sometimes 5.00pm, excluding the heaps and heaps of assignments that are assigned to us.

I've just had enough of other people controlling my life. I'm a grown-up now, I'm not doing anything wrong and my boyfriend is just perfect! If he was doing drugs or was a really bad person I would understand my dad saying those things against him, however there is absolutely nothing bad about him!

I apologize for the grammatical mistakes but I'm writing down whatever is coming to my head right now. I'm so hurt and depressed about this situation, I'm not even thinking... Just now I told my dad that tomorrow night I will not be home and he mentioned my boyfriend again. I know that in a way he cannot totally control what I do, but just saying these things against my boyfriend repeatedly just makes me so angry and hurt! He made me choose between my family and my boyfriend and I just cannot choose!

Sometimes I think about just giving everything up and leave, other times I plan on forcing him to choose between me and his wife so that he will feel the same way that I do (I can do that, I have a share of this house from my mother's death) but I do not want to hurt him! Now his wife is planning on getting her cousin to live with us, (they are from the Philippines) My dad and his wife both work, but their jobs cannot possibly support the six of us! Staring off from her pig son who swallows everything in the refrigerator and does not move his fat bottom off the computer, let along getting up and giving a hand!

I feel defenseless about this situation. Even my boyfriend's parents, they're so supportive. They offered their help and support in whatever the situation might end up in. They even offered to talk to my dad but I refused, it would make him rage and he would surely be so mad at me!

Me and my boyfriend are planning to go and talk to someone who might help us.

Thanks all for your replies and advice, me and my boyfriend appreciate them so much! And once gain sorry for the grammar.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I know that this is difficult and yes you are an Adult, have you tried to tell your Father that, like I suggested? But in an understanding way?

Your honest, only option is to leave home. Whilst under your parents roof, you have to understand that you have to live by their rules. If you wish to have your own independence and rules then you have to move, there is no other choice there.

Thank you for coming back and answering...


CW