[Mes T]

A person can find someone attractive without "being attracted" to them. There's a difference, and not all guys go for the latter.

[verwirrung]

I understand that there's a difference, but in this case, to me, it doesn't help.
Masturbating to someone other than the one you love is insulting. It's a matter of respect. Regardless of intention or lack thereof, regardless of whether or not you "want" that person on the screen or whether or not you wish that the one you love looked like them, the action itself sends a message: this is better/this is easier/I want variety/you are boring. Whether or not any of these are true doesn't matter. Action must back up thought and word.

And to do it knowing that it hurts the one you love shows capability of disregarding their feelings.

My point is, I know that he doesn't mean anything against me by doing it, but the fact is that it still hurts, and I wish he understood just how much. This problem is only making trusting him harder.

[kygirl]

I understand that there's a difference, but in this case, to me, it doesn't help.
Masturbating to someone other than the one you love is insulting. It's a matter of respect. Regardless of intention or lack thereof, regardless of whether or not you "want" that person on the screen or whether or not you wish that the one you love looked like them, the action itself sends a message: this is better/this is easier/I want variety/you are boring. Whether or not any of these are true doesn't matter. Action must back up thought and word.

And to do it knowing that it hurts the one you love shows capability of disregarding their feelings.

My point is, I know that he doesn't mean anything against me by doing it, but the fact is that it still hurts, and I wish he understood just how much. This problem is only making trusting him harder.

I have to say that if you feel *that* passionate about someone even *thinking* about another person at all or finding another person attractive, then I'm surprised that you're even asking what you should do. If you feel that strongly, then I don't know that you will be able to rebuild the trust. From my perspective, I think innocent flirting is fine. I do think, however, that responding to someone on a dating site when you're with someone is never fine. It's one thing to have someone stop and ask to buy you a drink at a bar, but to take the time to flirt back and forth, to me at least, that is the part that's too much.

It's up to you on whether you want to try to see if you can trust him again or not, but maybe first off, it might help you two to have a discussion about your expectations. What do you both consider to be "past the line" on flirting? What level of attention do you both need from each other? Those things need to be clearly defined early on or you're possibly playing on two different fields.

[otherly]

how did you find out that he had an okcupid account and how did you discover these messages?

i'm suprised no one wondered that ....