[IceBox]

We’ve been dating for over three years now. He’s 26 and im 24 and he WAS such an amazing guy when we met. We met just after I had broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years and NO he wasn’t my rebound. I dearly loved him and the feeling was mutual. In the second year of dating we ‘unofficially moved in together ‘whilst in the third year we officially moved in together. I have been to his home and his mom and I are now buddies*such an amazing woman*.
All our problems started to surface in the last year….He became boring, moody and always wanted to hang out with his friends. Our relationship suffered a lot, we became distant, no sex, not even a hug or kiss at all, he basically became like my brother. When I told him about this he just replied that he is ‘stressed’….You see I have accepted this man with all his flaws, he has two kids with two different women and I’ve accepted that. He earns half what I earn so most of the time I pay all our bills. He also uses my car, which he doesn’t pay a cent for, as he wishes. I don’t have a problem with that since he earns less, but if I sometimes refuse to borrow him the car he gets mad. Recently he has developed an even hot temper .I.E He has told me he will hit, He has told me I am not special, he has told me any man that marries me will be wasting his money, he has told me I do not deserve any kind of intimacy, he has violently broken the dishes in the house and has threatened to kill himself if I leave him. In the past month, he has only slept at our house less than five nights. He stays at his friend’s home.
A part of me wants him to come back home but another part wants him gone. I don’t depend on him for anything so I can easily survive. He is my second BF and I’ve never been single and this part right here scares me to . I don’t know if I still want to try to fight for our relationship because clearly he will not be able to take care of me or us, should I lose my job and does not take care of my physical or emotional needs anyways. He also wants a child and refuses to understand when I say I’m not ready hence he’s withholding all the intimacy!!Im bushed, im stressed, im tired, have lost 7kg in a month(happy tho) and im on the brink of depression!
PLEASE HELP!!

[Mes T]

Ooh. Sounds like it's time to move on, to be honest. And he already wants a child with you? Seriously? To add to the list of women he has children with? Yikes. Can you even imagine? What if you had to go on maternity leave for a few months - who would pay the bills? Would you want a little child to be in a household where dishes get thrown and the "man of the house" threatens suicide?

Breaking up is always hard, but the way you've just now described him makes him sound like the worst possible partner. I think you should go and be single (and happy) for a while, and learn from this relationship - in the sense that now maybe you have a clearer idea of what kind of person you are looking for in a boyfriend.

[IceBox]

He always comes up with excuses such as: He does what he does(threats n throwin things around)bcz i dont listen to him or respect him,but cannot leave me because he loves me???He never apologises for anything because hes 'the man' and i should be submissive because im a woman.He also doesnt like it when i question any of his decisions bcz he says im being 'unsupportive'. Im really torn,the more i think about it,i realise hes a bit psycho...what if i kick him out of my house and he comes back and seeks revenge?he knows my every move and the last thing i would want is for me to be found dead in a ditch!!What should i do???

[Mes T]

Kick him out and file a restraining order. Buy pepper spray. Change your number, block him from your email. Surround yourself with friends for protection. You CAN do this. It's possible that he's mostly talk. Like he enjoys trying to be threatening but when push comes to shove he hopefully won't DO anything rash.

Besides, how's he going to hunt you down without a car... without money... and with two children on his back from previous women?

Go go go sista!

[Needahand]

Icebox, your saving grace here is that you are young, and have no kids with him. Take a deep breath and move on. Even if that sounds hard now I am sure you will realize it to be the best thing...it almost sounds like the main thing keeping you with him is fear...get out, get help.

[Ashlee T.]

Get out. This situation could easily become as physically dangerous as it already has emotionally. First, he has been emotionally abusive to you. Quit hanging on to what you thought he WAS. What is now is reality.

Develop a plan. If that means moving, then move. Get his things out, take them somewhere nuetral like his mothers, file a restraining order (Afterall he has threatened you...), get yourself some protection (pepper spray, security system, change the locks). There will be a local safe space in your area, for women dealing with or getting out of domestic violence situations. Contact them, ask for advice. They will tell you exactly what you need to do.

Love goes out the window when there is abuse involved. He is emotionally abusive and is TELLING you that he's going to be physically abusive. Get out.

[jns]

I agree with the others: get out now.

[Elanor-Jane]

SIMPLE---he hasnt left because he is using you and he is breaking you down so you will have low self esteem and stay in the situation.

LEAVE...your too good for him

he says anyone that marries you is wasting their money, well thats their problem LOL not his. you know its not true though. this is basic stuff hes not hard to read. people with low self esteem often like others around then to feel the same, they want to break you down to their level. i know this because i HAVE DONE THIS! sounds horrible and i dont anymore as its hurtful and destructive but not everyone can realise these things and change for the better. he has a lower paying job than you, who cares not you! but he hates it. its obvious. when men hit their spouses it is the last act of abuse, so much other more hurtful and damaging stuff happens before you get hit. dont be with an emotional abuser. you are better than that. goodluck. please leave.

[orchiddreams]

I know someone who was married to a man like that. She waited 20 years to leave even though she knew from day one it would not get better. Well they had two kids, she finally left but he is eternally attached to her life by way of her kids.

Get out while you can, while it's just you, while you have a job and support. I would go so far as to cut off communication with him for your own personal safety.

You can do it!

[Guest]

It's time to go!

What are you waiting for?

All of the people in this forum, who are from different parts of the world, have said the same thing. You know they're right.

Start packing...