[kdods]

I've been reading quite a few threads from this forum, and they all seem to be very helpful.

Let's see, I have been in quite a few relationships, and I know how to deal with them fairly well. I'm not one to allow a girl to walk all over me, but if I can make it work, I'll sure try. This one is kind of complicated, haha.

My current ex/girlfriend and I had our first baby together. She was not planned, but she is still a friggin' awesome baby; I love her to death. Therein lies my problem, though.

We're both 21, and we live together in my apartment. We've been together for about a year and eight months. Problems arose around the fourth or fifth month we were together (and she was in fact pregnant at the time). She was still hooked up on this ex-boyfriend of hers. No biggie; we broke it off, and I let her go. Her problem is that he lives in her hometown two and a half hours away, and she and I go to college together.

Now, it didn't work between them the last time, and I'm sure she knows it won't work with him now. I've been nice about telling her to stop texting this guy, but she keeps doing it. I know now that I should have probably done something to fix our relationship instead of forbidding her to talk to this guy. I'm sure that she would even stop if she was happy with me.

Life has been pretty hard. We're both in college, and I work part-time to pay the bills and such. I know I've been grumpy and what-not, but she could have been more supportive. She stopped having sex with me (haha, it seems a lot of threads are created because of this topic), she stopped kissing me and hugging me; just all-around stopped showing interest in me. I've asked her about it, and of course, she just doesn't feel like being intimate.

Now, I'm not some stupid kid; I know what that all means. The real problem is that I love my little girl to death. I broke up with her last week knowing nothing would change, but I told her straight up that I wasn't going to be in some fake relationship with her anymore. I started cleaning the apartment (seeing as how it is mine), and I was doing nice things for her. But I know this won't change her views on me. You see, we may be apart now, but it has felt this way for two months.

We live in the same apartment in this little college town, and she can't afford to get a job with the baby by herself. I guess what I am really getting at is that I can't solve my own problem. My view is too biased, so I have come to this board asking for the help and experience of everyone here. Should I just start seeing other people? Or going and hanging out with my friends again; leaving her to watch the baby when she's not in class? I work my butt off to give her a nice place and monies and such, but I know that isn't enough.

Alright, enough explaining. Any tips?
-Kdods

[Elanor-Jane]

I think you should both just concentrate on the care and happiness of the child. And this doesn't mean providing her with money and stuff. It's your child too, how much of the care time do you contribute? It would be very hard having a baby in this situation and perhaps she feels like she needs something more u can't give. Who cares for the baby when she is at school? As much as I sympathize for you in this situation she is the one who carried and birthed a child at such a young age and with such uncertainty and I think you need to focus more on what will make u all happier individuals in the long run (and now) as opposed to what u think is best for her and yourself as far as a relationship. Spend as much time with your baby is the best advice I can give. Don't indulge your gf or ex gf, but help when things are needed, groceries, nappies etc

[kdods]

Well, of course I said I love my little baby to death, and I do. When she is in class, I am home with the baby, and when she gets home, I'll go to my classes. I'm the one who gets up with baby girl every morning, and she gets up at seven every day (some times she will sleep for an extra hour or so, and that's really nice too).

She said she was overwhelmed with everything, so I started doing all of the house work too. Now don't get me wrong, its "our home" and everything, but I'm sure she see's it as my place, so I really don't mind doing all of the house work. But, now that I do the dishes, the trash, the laundry, and cleaning the place up, she doesn't really do much else except for her homework.

Is that wrong? I mean, shouldn't she feel bad? We used to fight over who did what, and it would take forEVER. Now though, if there's something to do, I'll just do it in between classes while I'm watching the little one. I just don't want her to use me because she knows I will do everything if it won't really help "us." I do also work three to five days a week; usually eight to ten hours a day workshifts.

[Crystalblue]

Is she having problems with depression? Does she go out and see friends? Raising a new baby and going to school would be a lot for a new mom to deal with, but having a few hours here and there for a break from the home is important too.

It sounds like you're in a really tough situation, new baby, working, going to school, and living with/supporting an ex. You would benefit from some time out with friends, too. Maybe you each could work out one day a week, at least every other week, for personal time.

I can't imagine what it would be like trying to work through a break up with a child involved, while you're still living with each other. Moving on to new relationships would be tricky in a situation like that because of y'all sharing a home. While it wouldn't be wrong, I would imagine it still being hurtful. I wouldn't see it as something you shouldn't do, but would keep it private if possible. She may be having the same issues and worries.

Have y'all had any talks about how to handle moving on?

[kdods]

We haven't really talked about moving on or anything yet. We're both pretty comfortable where we are at now. Her best friend is actually a HUGE help with us and the baby. I'm taking a second job that apply to my major, so in between classes, her friend will probably watch the baby now while I'm at that job.

I don't think she's depressed, but that is one of the first things I thought of. I started having a Tuesday night movie night (like I said, I've had a handful of relationships before this one, haha) to make sure that she was getting enough social interaction. We invite some of her friends and some of mine, and it's a pretty fun event. I do like people, but I also savor my alone-time, so I don't need frequent interaction.

I feel like I should mention that we aren't on bad terms or anything. I broke up with her last week because she just wasn't appreciating me, and now that I think of it, she probably felt that way too. I suggested that we go to a family planner up at the college since it would be free for us, but we haven't gotten around to it yet.

I'm probably going to start getting out of the house more, so she'll at least have a bit of alone time. I really do want to please her, but I think having her miss me being around would help more. The thing is, I'd like to get back together with her, and I think she wants it to, but it just isn't happening for some reason.

[Little]

If you have time for a job, TWO jobs even, why doesn't she have time for ONE? How old is your baby? Did she have issues with postpartum depression? And have you eliminated any possibilities that the baby isn't yours? Is she breastfeeding or attachment parenting, anything that would force her to be the primary caregiver to the child?

The bottom line is that if you are "broken up" and still living together, you're really still together. At least until one of you starts boinking somebody else, and then you're just in a BAD place. If you really want to be broken up, and didn't just do it to get her attention, it's time to stop worrying about what she can afford to do. Just worry about what YOU can afford while taking care of your child.

In the event that you're only breaking up to get her attention: get to that family planner or a counselor ASAP. Breaking up for any other reason than to actually break up is an attempt to get control of the situation and manipulate the other person.

[kdods]

Well, I know that she really doesn't want to get a job. She's offered, but never followed through with it. Our daughter is seven months old as of the last week or so. I did actually think that the baby might not be mine, but after she was born on the date that I guessed based on the date of conception, I'm not worried about it anymore (and she looks just like me =] ). She's not breastfeeding anymore; in fact, our little one almost doesn't eat from a bottle anymore. She likes her squash and sweet potatoes!

When I broke up with her, I don't think I did it to get her attention, but it might have been a deep-seeded effort of my sub-conscious. I was really just tired of all of our friends and family thinking that we were good together, when she really just wasn't treating me all that well.

[jns]

I think you two are really not compatible. She doesn't show enough commitment and neither do you. Further, she seems too comfortable about letting you carry a high burden to make things work, while she does a lot less. This will cause problems in any future relationship between you two. Since she knows you dote on the baby, she can use that to get to where she wants to go. I would expect her to move away with the baby when she gets her studies finished. Maybe things could be extended if she goes for upper level degrees.

[kdods]

So I should... Kick her out?

[jns]

Kicking her out may be worse than continuing living together. At least your daughter is close. But I would not expect a close, loving relationship to blossom. There is another cost: it will be harder for you to have a relationship with someone else.