[madi1423]

Hi, I need some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. Before that I was married and with the same man for 12 years, it was a bad relationship. Any way, my boyfriend now is an amazing man, I know he cares for me, he treats me like I need and want to be treated. I care so deeply for him. He is my best friend, and has helped me through so much. So what advice do I need you ask? Well, I have no one to talk to about this, because he has put trust in me in telling me. He told me from almost the beginning of our relationship that he sometimes fantasizes about other men. Mostly about oral, that it is a curiousity he has had pretty much all his life. He is much older than I am, but he doesn't treat me that way. He was married for 25 years and has 3 children of his own. His wife cheated on him, so ultimately they divorced. He has told me that while he was married he never really had those thoughts, that he loves the feel of a woman, and these are just curiosities he has. I discovered he was on a web site for adults before we started dating, and had chatted with people. He closed the account and said he wouldn't do it if it hurt me. I also recently discovered that he had been emailing one male in particular for months. He has never met with anyone and he has never been with another man, he again told me he wouldn't do it anymore. After so heart to heart talking he said he would rather be with me thancto let some fantasy ruin our relationship. After months of not thinking about any of those issues, and every thing going great, he told me the guy emailed him. He said he wont email him back, and as long as we are together he is committed to me. Sex is great as it always has been. Like I said this relationship is absolutely amazing aside from this issue. Problem is I don't know how to get over the fact that he lied to me. I feel like he may be lying to me now and secretly emailing this guy. He says he is not. I love him, and its not who he is chatting with, its the intimacy part that bothers me. Please help me, what should I do? Thank you, sorry this post is so long

[Guest]

No need to apologize for a long post...

To me, this boils down to trust. Once one has lied to the other, it's a long road back to rebuilding the trust to the "pre-lie" level.

You can do one of a few things; Have yet another conversation with him. Ask for all of his e-mail addresses, passwords, etc. and then track him - though if he really wants to lie, he'll just create another and not share it with you. Or, you can "flip the switch" and get over it (the fact that he lied to you).

I'm not quite sure what you mean about "the intimacy part that bothers me"...are his e-mails with the other man intimate in nature? Or are they just conversation and you are interpreting them that way?

I think him telling you that "he wouldn't do it anymore" really puts him in a tight spot. Perhaps tighter than he is capable of handling.

Like so many other things, he needs to want to do this, ending communication with others, for himself first and then for you/your relationship. If he's not up to it, it's better that you learn this now.

If he lies to you again or is less than truthful and you find out (same thing), then it seems the only choice you have is to go froward in a dishonest relationship or leave him for good.

[madi1423]

Thank you for replying to my question. To answer, yes the emails were very intimate and very detailed, there is no misunderstanding there. I do appreciate your advice! Thanks again

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I know lying is my pet hate

He approached you and told you that he received an email and won't reply to it as he is committed to you, tells me that he is trying to communicate with you and let you know anything that goes on, so that you can trust him again.

It's easy to get confused in life, and it's normal to have fantasies but even a bi-sexual person if in a committed relationship will be faithful to the person they are with, given his wife cheated on him I doubt that he would do that to someone else.

3 years is a long time to be with someone, if you don't believe he has ever acted on this, and time has gone by and then he advises you of an email, you are going to have to put trust in him and thank him for being honest and letting you know...or it could ruin your relationship, perhaps he is being honest and trying to make you feel safe.

[katherine.g.patterson]

For me being truthful is essential. I could not deal with a man who lied to me, but read on.

Before getting married I had the subject of trust come up in many relationships (I now trust my husband completely!!). I would feel hurt when lied, but I would give him a chance. I would confront him and see what he replied. If he admitted it, that was the start of an even better relationship, where more trust between us could be achieved.

But if he did not, then it is hard. He could keep lying because he was embarrassed, though, so I'd explain to him that it was okay, but that honesty was important to me. But if he still refused to talk about it, or got angry, then it was over.

I think mistakes can be made, and lying and deceiving is one of them, but what is more important is whether the person can face them. It looks like he did, that is what counts.

I hope it works out and this advice does not arrive too late (I just joined a few days ago and going through the posts I care about Good luck!