[Magnetism]

I was reading some articles on why people keep attracting these relationships. The articles say that women are too nice and don't assert their own control. Yes, I used to be that way. I was too nice to prove people that I'm not a mean person. When a woman stands up for herself, some people accuse her of being a b*tch. But, I think I've changed a lot from those days. I've set boundaries numerous times in this relationship and explained what my needs are. There are some people that just won't listen and will do anything it takes to get their way.

One of the main reasons why I think I'm getting into these relationships is probably unresolved parental conflict. This boyfriend wanted me to be as angry as possible at my parents, but that doesn't work. He even wanted me to punish my parents by telling all of their friends about what they have done(yeah right, that's not my nature) I think I need to get to the point of forgiveness and letting go. If I hold onto resentment, I'm not going to break the cycle of getting involved with these type of men. My goal is to work out conflict with parents and let go of the past before I get involved in any relationships.

[Hopeless Dork]

First date? I think guy pays, sorry, old fashioned... whatever.. first date , dude pays. lol. But after that... I think whoever inniciates the date should OFFER to pay. If the dating is steady the tabs should be picked up and split equally unless one party is way more well off than the other (and is also insisting on going out knowing its beyond their partners means). Even if the guy is better off, its good to every once in a while say, nope its on me... even if its just a trip to something less expensive like coffee (if the person is struggling) its truly the gesture, showing ... I may not have much, but I want to contribute.

[jns]

First date? I think guy pays, sorry, old fashioned... whatever.. first date , dude pays. lol. But after that... I think whoever inniciates the date should OFFER to pay. If the dating is steady the tabs should be picked up and split equally unless one party is way more well off than the other (and is also insisting on going out knowing its beyond their partners means). Even if the guy is better off, its good to every once in a while say, nope its on me... even if its just a trip to something less expensive like coffee (if the person is struggling) its truly the gesture, showing ... I may not have much, but I want to contribute.

A reasonable approach in today's age.

[Magnetism]

Oops, I posted the wrong post above in the wrong thread.

I reread the thread and forgot to add that I have paid for concert tickets, drinks after dinner (beer, wine, cocktails), coffee, groceries and household needs (toiletries, dish soap, shampoo, cleaning supplies, etc).

[Magnetism]

If anyone wants to give their 2 cents, I would appreciate it.

He had explained why he felt the way he did. He said that a woman expecting him to pay for dinner is like him demanding sex from me all of the time It made sense when he explained it, but I'm also wonder if this is comparing oranges to apples? Pressured sex is a lot more serious and could get you in trouble with the law. Old-fashioned courtship ideas won't get you in trouble with the law. He said the situation wasn't about money itself, but just the idea of a woman expecting something from him all of the time. Given how he has talked about other women in the past, it seems like he's terrified of being with a woman who will clean his account or just use him for money.

I also thought about how my own issues came into play. I think I was starting to doubt if my partner didn't cherish me or appreciate me, and I was using the dinner issue to represent that. He did say he has greatly appreciated how I reciprocated with concert tickets, drinks, etc. I'm at the point where I'm missing him and it sounds like I want to give him the benefit of the doubt.

If any of you can offer an objective view, it would help. It's hard to be objective when you were in love with someone and were thinking about planning a future.

[jns]

With the mix of people who all like something different, it is possible he could find a real gold digger. But he has to take that chance if he wants to be attractive to a group of women who have certain expectations. What you call old-fashioned courtship is still the style of courtship in many countries. He has never had to deal with the woman being chaperoned on dates. Then he would also have to pay for the chaperone also. Or having to go out in a group. It shows he does not know very much about South Asian culture (this is also similar to much of Southeast Asian culture if you are away from the parts that cater to tourists - understandable since there is tremendous influence from Indian culture).

Even that style of courtship is different from arranged marriages that are not too far in the past for some and still the norm for others. A former coworker went to India to get married in an arranged marriage. There was a lot of work done by both families to make the best fit possible. He and the woman who became his wife seemed to be happy in the process. They had some great pictures from the snow country in the north of India where they went on honeymoon.

[Magnetism]

What do you mean if he wants to be attractive to a certain grouup of women?

We had discussed it again, and I said "I understand where you come from, but I want to retain some points of my old view as well. I can see both sides of the coin." He was upset as to why I didn't 100% agree with him. I told him, "If dinner and money is such an issue, the easiest thing to do is stay at home and not go out. That way the couple doesn't have to worry." He keeps saying that it's not about money, but the fact that he thinks I'm entitled. I gave him an example of how he acts entitled. He has grabbed my breasts out of nowhere in public and in private. In a way, he's showing that he's entitled to grab my breasts whenever he wants. He doesn't see it that way though.

Frankly, I'm starting to think it's silly to keep going back on this topic of who pays for who. Aren't there more important things to worry about in a relationship? Like intimacy? Emotional happiness? Spending time with each other? I'm glad he finds this a deal-breaker, because it doesn't make me seem like the dumper only. Yeah, I have my days where I miss him and contemplate going back. When I'm thinking rationally and can see this behavior sprout up, I'm glad that things have ended. I do get worried about him. He looked very upset tonight and slammed the door all because I wouldn't give up my opinion and submit to his.

After our conversations, I do feel like I'm being mind-f*cked and I start to doubt myself. That's not a good sign. I would be lying if I didn't feel guilty about being entitled. When a partner guilts you, that's not the healthiest relationship.

[jns]

What do you mean if he wants to be attractive to a certain grouup of women?

Actually I said:

But he has to take that chance if he wants to be attractive to a group of women who have certain expectations. What you call old-fashioned courtship is still the style of courtship in many countries. He has never had to deal with the woman being chaperoned on dates. Then he would also have to pay for the chaperone also. Or having to go out in a group. It shows he does not know very much about South Asian culture (this is also similar to much of Southeast Asian culture if you are away from the parts that cater to tourists - understandable since there is tremendous influence from Indian culture).

The group of women that I was talking about are those who want the contemporary dating style that has the man paying for all of the expenses of the date because that is what he is supposed to do in the cultures they were brought up in. This includes probably most of the women in Thailand, Laos and Cambodia - the three countries in Asia that I am most familiar with. If women from those countries are living in the USA, I would expect that many would still like their dates to pay for everything. Just because they are living in a country that has more of an expectation of both people paying equally doesn't mean that they would think that. I suspect that there are women from many other countries that have the same understanding. Many women of this group would never go on a second date with a guy who did not live up to this expectation. When talking about him to their friends they would say he was cheap. Then their friends would steer clear.

[Magnetism]

To call him cheap or to never go out on a date is a bit extreme to me, but I can see why they would feel that way.My parents believe in always financially helping out the unmarried single daughter if she needs it. They don't want to see her struggle, which is normal for Indian culture. My boyfriend would tell me to not take their money, but I was raised that it's okay to accept your parents' financial help, even though others might see it as mooching and not being fully independent.

It's interesting that he also doesn't like the women in his ethnicity, because he feels they "clean their men out." Let's just say his parents' country is notoriously known for mail-order brides. I don't agree with his opinion, but that's how he feels about his country's women. Maybe the problem is not me, but his own views and bad experiences in general.

[jns]

Maybe the problem is not me, but his own views and bad experiences in general.

My thoughts exactly. He needs to overcome his own demons. He also should learn a bit about your culture so he knows how to act in a correct manner. His not learning about your culture does not bode well in the future, where it is likely he would expect you to conform to his culture or American culture. In a cross cultural relationship, both sides need to give some and learn about the other's culture. There are benefits in the others culture, but each has to learn about the culture to be able to use them.