[StevenR]

Guy -

I was in the same boat as you. A brief history: my long-time girlfriend was friends with a male co-worker. This was never an issue because they saw each other at work and at work functions but eventually they both left that job. Suddenly the guy starts with the "let's hang out" and "let's go to lunch" nonsense with her.

I of course am immediately suspicious just like you. Also, from jump street, I could tell this guy liked my girlfriend; we all know the signs. Anyway, she gives me the "nothing is going on, we're just friends" line, but I think "she may think that, but I know this guy is fishing and scheming and messing around in my relationship". Long story short - turns out these two had a brief non-sexual history (kissing and a few dates) early in our relationship when I was away and my girlfriend and I were not exclusive (this was very early in our relationship). But I had to repeatedly ask her questions about their history for months to drag this admission out of her years later when the "let's hang out" started because my BS detector was screaming that something was not right. I mean I knew it was more to it than they were letting on. 6 months or so after I started with the "this makes me uncomfortable... what is going on?... nothing has ever between you two?" discourse, she finally comes clean that they had this history and she was keeping it from me because she "knew I would not believe her" that this was now just a friendship.

So the guy moves away and starts sending her letters, calls her and stuff, but he's out of state, so whatever, right? Well she and I date for a few more years and then break-up. Within a year she has moved to be with this "friend".

My opinion is simple - if you think something is wrong, it probably is. I hate to say it, but your instinct and intuition is likely 100% accurate. Men and women cannot be platonic friends. It is impossible. Women may believe it is possible and that this axiom about impossibility is insulting to them because it means men don't value them without sex or romance being involved, but it is a fact. The idea that your girlfriend wants to spend a weekend away with this guy w/o you is nuts. If I were you, I would pull the cord and get out now, on your terms, before you get hurt or worse, sick. If you are unwilling or unable to do that, put your foot down and tell her no way is it cool for her to go on dates and weekend trips with another man. Period.

[Mes T]

I think regardless of whether or not it's possible for men and women to be friends... I can't think of a situation where what your girlfriend is doing is appropriate. Sounds to me like she thrives on the attention she receives from men in general and doesn't want to lose the ego boost that this guy provides her.

Sounds very dodgy to me. It's hard to be with someone who doesn't have the same views on relationship rights and wrongs. Recipe for a lot of heartache.

Anyway bottom line, I think your concerns are perfectly reasonable.

[Guy1986]

Thank you all for your advice. Hopefully she'll understand my concern and not go, but we shall see! It's nice to know I'm not unjustified in my concerns. Thanks again!

[jns]

I think StevenR hit the nail on the head. She may not be pursuing him, but he is most definitely pursuing her. It doesn't sound like an exclusive relationship.