[Guy1986]

Hi all,

I'm a 25 year old guy and need a woman's unbiased opinion on a situation. Any feedback is appreciated.

I've been exclusively dating a wonderful girl for about 6 months now. She is smart, funny, intelligent and beautiful, and I really feel lucky to even have the opportunity to have a relationship with someone like her. We have our differences,

Recently, there have been some hiccups that have indicated to me that she is so nice / unaware that she doesn't realize allowing another guy to act a certain way with her is inappropriate. For instance, when another guy starts telling you he loves you, either tell your boyfriend about it, or stop talking to the guy, neither of which occurred until I overheard it. This has brought up some trust issues that we have been discussing and working through. It's not that I don't trust her, but I don't trust guys. I'm a guy, and I know how guys can be, especially when girls are "too" nice.

She has a friend she knows from college who lives in another state, and has planned a trip to go stay with him for a weekend. I have never been introduced to this guy, but she has read me conversations they have had. He tends to talk himself up a lot, is very pushy (he's in sales), and jumps from girl to girl. She has told him she has a boyfriend (or so she says) and it doesn't phase him.

I expressed my discomfort with the idea of her spending a weekend alone with another guy whom I haven't met, and she assures me that they're just friends and not to worry. I personally feel it is inappropriate, regardless of trust issues, for one person in a committed relationship to go spend the weekend with someone of the opposite sex by themselves. I know that they are going to go out together and drink, which makes me even more uncomfortable. I also feel that if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't even consider the idea of doing that.

As a guy, I don't want to seem like the jealous type, and I don't believe I am. But I also believe that I have to draw the line somewhere. Am I wrong in thinking this? What should I do? Thank you in advance for your help.

[lizzardb63]

I feel your feelings are completely justified. I would feel the same way as you. In a relationship, you need to take in your partners feelings and compromise. If she knows you don't feel comfortable, she should find ways of making it less bothersome to you, like perhaps, taking you with her when she visits her friend. That would be a great opportunity for you and her friend to get to know each other. Guys and girls can be friends with each other, even if they are in relationships, but there has to be a line there and I feel it is important that the friend meet their significant others, especially before you spend a weekend alone with them, when you know your partner feels uncomfortable about it.

For example, my fiance's best friend is a girl. They hang out alone but he introduced me to her and I hung out with her a few times and now feel completely fine with it. I know what type of person she is, and I know that their friendship is completely just friends, therefore I do not feel the discomfort that you feel. I just think there is too much mystery between her and her friend. She needs to introduce you two. It would make all situations better, in my opinion.

[Guy1986]

Thank you for the response. She is worried that cancelling the trip will hurt his feelings, and therefore hurt their friendship. Is it a safe assumption to think that if she chooses to go without me, that she is choosing his feelings over mine, and therefore a reason for me to take a serious look at the future of this relationship? Or should I trust her and show that I am willing to make a sacrifice for her peace of mind?

[lizzardb63]

Who says that it can only be those two? Why aren't you allowed? Just curious.

[Guy1986]

It's this weekend. We're not in the position to purchase an extra last minute plane ticket. That and it's the principle of the matter. I don't feel I should have to request to tag along and play third-wheel. She knows how I feel about it.

[Little]

I don't feel like she needs to basically run and hide behind you whenever another man expressed unwanted feelings to her ... but I also don't think that her spending a whole weekend at another man's house, going out on what sounds like "dates" the whole time is okay either, especially if you can't stand the idea of it.

Though I wouldn't find fault in going out to dinner with a friend while he's in town or even going for drinks in a pinch, she will necessarily be going home with him to his place afterwards. Awkward much? I find it reasonable that you wouldn't want that scenario playing out, no matter how much trust you want to put in her. PS, it takes two to tango - if he makes a move and she "gives in," it's not his fault for initiating!

Can she stay anywhere else? Not necessarily a hotel, but perhaps at another friend's home? You haven't said that you can't go along, so is that a possibility? That would obviously make it MUCH less awkward and uncomfortable. You should probably gauge both his and her response to that suggestion - if she hesitates, why? Is it because she's aware of his ulterior motives?

If she waves away all of your concerns and goes alone and stays with him, it would not be unreasonable to deduce she is valuing her friend's feelings over yours. Six months is still relatively early in a relationship, as far as shifting her preference to you over friends, but you'll want to mentally file this situation under the "When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them" category for any future decision you make about your girlfriend.

[lizzardb63]

I agree with Little. See what her reaction is when you bring up alternative places for her to stay, etc. If she refuses to any, maybe she values that friendship over your relationship.

[Little]

Durr, obviously I took too long to reply and you aren't in a position to go. Please consider my response with the outdated info removed

[CHANDLERS WISH]

She has a friend she knows from college who lives in another state, and has planned a trip to go stay with him for a weekend. I have never been introduced to this guy, but she has read me conversations they have had. He tends to talk himself up a lot, is very pushy (he's in sales), and jumps from girl to girl. She has told him she has a boyfriend (or so she says) and it doesn't phase him.

I am curious, how did this eventuate to start with? He asked her to go and visit for the weekend? She paid a plane fare or he did?

You've had some hickups, do you think that she has disclosed those, discussed those with this "friend" that you have never met.

My honest opinion is, you say "exclusively dating" but later you say, she should tell guys she has a boyfriend.

I'm wondering where she feels she sits, in this relationship, because her actions are of a single person or one that maybe dating one person, but is not in a "committed" relationship.

I certainly wouldn't contemplate spending 48hrs with a man, out of State if I had a boyfriend. I'd take the boyfriend...

[Guy1986]

Thank you all for your advice.

To Chandler,

He bought the plane ticket. And yes, I agree that her actions are that of a single person, which is another reason this concerns me. We have discussed it at length, and she maintains that we are in an exclusive, committed relationship. I honestly believe that she just doesn't see this as a big deal because they're "just friends", however it is quite inappropriate.

He asked her to come down, because apparently he has flown up here several times before to visit her before we met. And I have no idea if she has disclosed our hiccups to him or not.