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VERY URGENT need advice asap

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  • VERY URGENT need advice asap

    OK here it goes me I am 29 and my bf is 21 we just had our 1 yr anniv. in Oct. He is in college and has work on weekends. As of early Nov., I have been noticing him acting differently towards me. He will go a few days with out seeing or texting/calling me. He seems to not text or call anymore I let that go on for a bout 3 weeks until I brought it up saying I am concerned about you because I never see you and this distance is not like you. When I did that, he said, "sorry I have no time i have school and things that need to get done sorry i cant see you or make you happy".

    So I started to cry because he just didn't seem to have any emotion to what he was saying so he asked why I am crying and I said becasue I know how relationships go when it gets like this and it leads to break-ups. So he says I'm being clingy by crying about not seeing me that is silly then he goes on and says that its not wrong to just be friends and starts to get me upset by thinking he is breaking up with me and i told him to stop bc it hurts me when he says that he goes well if i knew you were going to be this crazy i would of done it sooner.

    And as of that I told him I g2g but later on that night he text to see me and he acted like nothing happened but that was a week ago and since then he doesn't tell me he loves me any more not even thru calls/texting/or seeing him he use to call me just to tell me he loved me and missed me but that was a month ago.

    I don't know what to do. I am at my last end and feel as if i should just break-up with him bc i don't need to be treated this way. I feel like he just doesn't care anymore...he no longer texts me/calls me. I shouldn't feel bad for telling him how i feel but how does a bf go from being so over loving to not caring in a month he does have school and finals but when i ask him i know you're stressed, is there anything i can do, he tells me he is fine.

    I just don't know what else to do and my friends and family all say I need to tell him how I feel.
    Last edited by caterpillar79; 12-03-2011, 06:17 PM. Reason: Conventions for ease of reading.

  • Looks like he's too busy for you. What year is he now - is he almost done with his degree or more years to go (I can't decipher because I finished college at age 20). What do you do during your free time? Do you do something special for yourself? sometimes it helps get your mind off of him.

    Regarding whether you should break up or not, it's all up to you. Apparently, his education is his priority (I'm assuming), so let him go for it. What he told you and then doing/saying otherwise the next time. He is being inconsistent and non-committal. I think you are not in the same page. Did you ask what is keeping him from calling you (aside from school and work)?

    Have you two decided and agreed verbally up to what extent your relationship should go? It seems to me like he is not with you. Personally, I'll cut him loose and take each day at a time. You can talk to him to share how you feel and see what he says. If you guys have different goals, don't hesitate to move on. It would take him longer to get there if you pressure him. Go on with your life and do not invest too much in a relationship that does not give you what you want/need.

    Comment


    • He graduated from a community college and is now going for his MBA. Every time i try and talk with him he get very defensive. I have told him that i need to talk to him and he goes i dont like when you say that it sounds bad. I would think that if he is too busy for me that he would be the one to say that we need to have some time apart but he is still affectionate towards me when we are together its just this who not telling me he loves me think that has concerned me. He has told me that he will talk to me if there is a problem but its on his own time and when he feels like talking. I just feel if i tell him what is bothering me i will just get made fun of and it might turn out not the way i want it to be.

      Comment


      • I really think you should allow some space between him and you. If he does not call or text you, then don't bother him by testing or calling him. Let him wonder what you're doing. Meanwhile, go and pamper yourself: go out and watch a movie, hit the gym, go to a spa, change your wardrobe and get a new hairstyle, join a hobby club, get into yoga, workout - there are a lot of things you can do to make yourself feel loved BY YOU. If he sees and realizes you are happy on your own, he'll surely wonder and would come running towards you like a stretched out rubber band coming, snapping back right at you.

        For further inspiration, read "Why Men Love Bi(a)tche$"... the forum censors the word, but go figure. :-)

        Comment


        • the thing is i think he wouldn't even care if he didn't hear from me at all thats the point i mean its been going on for so long I would think i should tell him that this is bothering me. I am happy on my own i just dont like that fact that i am being pushed aside with no reason or explanation i have always told him that our main problem is we never communitcate with each other on things like this he just thinks a relastionship has no worries and is carefree but it has its ups and downs and when that come he runs away and comes back acting like nother ever happened

          Comment


          • Yes, I agree. You need to tell him how you feel and at the same time, communicate clearly your BOUNDARIES. If he does not respond, I think it's time to cut him loose and move on with your life. It's up to you if you still want to be friends with him, but I'd be careful about it for the first few months. Are you ready to let him go if in case?

            Comment




            • I'm sorry, but in my mind a guy that won't text me or call me for weeks at a time, would not be my Boyfriend, a Friend that is a Boy, but not someone I would keep my Emotional Flame burning for .

              Texting and asking him or hoping that he will show signs or say words of Love, is akin to Begging. Myself, I would sit down , write out your feelings on paper ( or comp ) Sort out the positive from the negative, then put in what You want and Deserve in a Relationship.

              Then I would simply, not even ask him if he wants to be in a relationship or not ? I would state my Wants, Needs and Desires and explain that if he is not willing to meet you half way, then you are ending the BF/GF part and will be seeking someone who has the same Goals as you do.

              I also would not be his " Part Time G/F or F/B, I would have other plans, other Dates when he comes (home) or around for the weekend. This is the Holiday Season , keep busy, visit with Friends, make Girls Night out plans or Just even Movies, Dinners .

              You Deserve better, you deserve to be Missed and Told you are Loved, You shouldn't have to Drag it out of him or cry over him.
              If He has time to text you and say your being Silly or Clingy. He has time to tell you he misses you and he Loves you.
              To me he is just keeping you on the side. when he says
              sorry I have no time i have school and things that need to get done sorry i cant see you or make you happy".
              And the

              its not wrong to just be friends
              Is to me, a Huge Red Flag. He is actually telling you he thinks of you as a Friend, Not a Girlfriend.

              Along with
              he will talk to me if there is a problem but its on his own time and when he feels like talking.
              Honey, if he is not willing to take the time and effort to "Feel like Talking " , I wouldn't sit and wait for when and If he will Feel like it .

              You can be his Friend, but you are not a Yo Yo, Move on with your Beautiful Self, when he comes acting like Nothing has Change or has Happened.

              Show him , Things have Changed, Things have Happened . You aren't a " Toy " when he feels like having you around, or someone to fall back on and to Stroke his Ego, because he knows you care and are just waiting for the Little tidbits he may feel like dishing out to you when he's in the mood .

              It's always hard to lose someone you care for, but it's harder to sit and wait for the smallest sign of affection.
              You will find someone who YOU will be the first thing they think of in the morning and the last thing they think of at night .





              Comment


              • i agree..when he told me about the friends thing i did actually say well is that what you want and he said NO....but i also have to keep in mind he is 21 he act more boyish then a man bc he is not a man yet... i love him so much that i am over seeing the age but i think it all goes back to how old he is. He doesnt understand what to do or how to act. His parents when it come to fights and such wont talk for a day or so until they calm down then they speak his mom even told me that his father use to just leave her when they had a fight and drive to cool down so i dont know how they taught him how to control anger or stress and i guess i have to deal with it...I dont know if he is just being comfortable with our relationship that now he figures i am not going anywhere so there is not need to worry or stress about me but to be all focused on school i tell myself this but am i really just making excusse

                Comment


                • I think he is just stringing you along. He loves to be with you but not the kind of commitment and togetherness that you require or a real committed relationship normally requires (what's normal - depends on you, I guess). At that age, he has long ways to go, things to explore himself with. I think it is wise to let him do it alone and when you two cross paths or he matures more and you are still single, maybe you can rekindle the fire.

                  For now, I think you should let him be and not pressure him to what he is not ready for.

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by BabyGirl View Post


                    I'm sorry, but in my mind a guy that won't text me or call me for weeks at a time, would not be my Boyfriend, a Friend that is a Boy, but not someone I would keep my Emotional Flame burning for .

                    Texting and asking him or hoping that he will show signs or say words of Love, is akin to Begging. Myself, I would sit down , write out your feelings on paper ( or comp ) Sort out the positive from the negative, then put in what You want and Deserve in a Relationship.

                    Then I would simply, not even ask him if he wants to be in a relationship or not ? I would state my Wants, Needs and Desires and explain that if he is not willing to meet you half way, then you are ending the BF/GF part and will be seeking someone who has the same Goals as you do.

                    I also would not be his " Part Time G/F or F/B, I would have other plans, other Dates when he comes (home) or around for the weekend. This is the Holiday Season , keep busy, visit with Friends, make Girls Night out plans or Just even Movies, Dinners .

                    You Deserve better, you deserve to be Missed and Told you are Loved, You shouldn't have to Drag it out of him or cry over him.
                    If He has time to text you and say your being Silly or Clingy. He has time to tell you he misses you and he Loves you.
                    To me he is just keeping you on the side. when he says


                    And the


                    Is to me, a Huge Red Flag. He is actually telling you he thinks of you as a Friend, Not a Girlfriend.

                    Along with

                    Honey, if he is not willing to take the time and effort to "Feel like Talking " , I wouldn't sit and wait for when and If he will Feel like it .

                    You can be his Friend, but you are not a Yo Yo, Move on with your Beautiful Self, when he comes acting like Nothing has Change or has Happened.

                    Show him , Things have Changed, Things have Happened . You aren't a " Toy " when he feels like having you around, or someone to fall back on and to Stroke his Ego, because he knows you care and are just waiting for the Little tidbits he may feel like dishing out to you when he's in the mood .

                    It's always hard to lose someone you care for, but it's harder to sit and wait for the smallest sign of affection.
                    You will find someone who YOU will be the first thing they think of in the morning and the last thing they think of at night .





                    Babygirl could not have put this any better! This is a rule everyone should follow if they respect themselves enough not to be mistreated in a relationship.!
                    Thanks Babygirl, you spared me from a lot of writting.
                    The only thing is though, is most girls will continue til the bitter end hoping for new signs of improvement. hanging on.
                    I say respect yourself enough to be willing not to just settle for what you can get. It's clear her feelings aren't validatede. Move on.

                    Comment


                    • thing is I LOVE HIM and i know he loves me i just don't want to make the wrong decision just b/c he act weird the last month...I mean i just dont know if it fair bc i havent heard his side ....dealing with his finals and dealing with family maybe he just cant handle all the pressure that has been put on him. He doesnt deal with this kinda thing well so maybe this is him pushed to the limit. I just dont want me to think back at this and be WHAT IF

                      Comment


                      • Sounds like you're making excuses for him to justify the way he's been acting. You can't always wonder "What if" because if its meant to be, it will be (as cliche as that sounds...its true). If a break is needed, take a break. It would be for the better of the relationship eventually if it does work out.

                        Comment


                        • I have to agree with lizzard, lvt.

                          You're excusing his behavior, saying it's because he's young, he's under a lot of stress, he's been taught to flee conflict from his parents....


                          An excuse is not a justification. He is treating you poorly, he is not even meeting BASIC relationship needs, and you are here telling us you've had enough.

                          He could have 1,000,000 excuses, but not one is good enough if it means you have to be unhappy in your relationship with him. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be with someone who loves you, cares for you, and thinks you and your feelings actually matter (because they do). Don't be scared to tell him that he has to change his ways or you will walk. Give him the benefit of the doubt if you think it would be fair, but he must be willing to hear you out, and he must be willing to make some changes, make you feel like you're a priority in his life. If he can't do these things, then the only option you have is to move on and find a man who cares for you as much as you do him.

                          Comment


                          • The above comments are right on. This guy seems to be leaving you hanging as back up, maybe when he is lonely or needs some type of company. The thing he said about being friends IS a HUGE pointer in my opinion. It almost sounds like he wants this relationship to end, but not fully, and on his terms. If I were you I would confront him with his options one last time. Tell him your needs, desires, and how you're feeling. Ask him if he is willing to commit to this relationship and put forth the effort. I would take his answer and run with it, not making excuses. If he decides it is worth it and is willing, keep your effort in as well. If not, as hard as it may be let it go. It not fair for any person to feel like this in a relationship nor is his behavior okay IMO. Sadly too many men or young boys tend to see treating women like this is all too easy and they are able to get away with it. Have you considered maybe he is seeing someone else? It's a possibility. You say he loves you, and maybe he is just stressed out. Having some separation from you id say would be normal if that is the case. But for him to do suggest friendship and stop with all of the affection, ignore your cries for help Would leave me to believe he has changed his mind on the relationship. I am no expert but I wish you the best of luck!

                            Comment

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