[La_perle_rare]

I turned 31 not too long ago and am happy with my professional life, the town I have chosen to settle down in, my body, my looks, attitude, etc. l feel young, like I'm just 25 and everyone (3rd parties) says I even look like it. But every now and then the "marriage" discussion comes up with friends and it just down right annoys me. I hate the "I have a ticking clock" mentality. I have tried online dating and am a very social woman who knows exactly how to behave around men. I have been told I'm a classy lady by most people. But due to my standards (I refuse to marry just about anyone, esp a guy who does not deserve me) and the long distance which makes life difficult, I have not met the right person. I need some advice about how to think about this "issue" so that it does not get to me. I would like to eventually marry and have a love life, but the guys I have met were just not right for me. Any advice on how to modify y thinking is much appreciated. :-)

[lizzardb63]

I think what you're thinking is perfectly okay. You have justified reasons for why you think that way. 1. You don't plan on marrying just ANYONE 2. You just havent met the guy who is right for you and 3. you know what you deserve and won't settle. I think these are all good reasons for wanting to wait. Why marry for the sake of marrying if you're not 100% into it? If your friends bring up the topic and ask you about it just say "Someday...when Mr Right comes along!" Most people will understand that comment and it won't sound harsh.

[DreamP346]

31! That is young. I got married at 30 and I was not ready at all. The only reason I married so young was because my husband was a lot older than me. Remember, your life expectancy is probably 85, so you have a lot of years ahead of you to be worrying about that. Also, people are getting married later in life, especially educated professionals. Do not think at all that you are old.

About finding the right guy, do not settle. Being unhappy with somebody is worst than being alone. At least you will have your freedom. Make sure your life partner is right for you financially, emotionally, socially, and sexually. With that being said, guys don't come in pre-made packages. They tend to need a lot of work and so do relationships. You always hear that the best ones are always taken. I disagree. I think the ones that are taken have been trained by a good partner. There are some basic characteristics you can't change like integrity and honesty, but most other aspect can be developed.

For example, 25 years ago, my husband was the guy who was juggling multiple women, the type you would never settle down with. Now, he is the exact opposite family man. Plans our financies excellently, works hard, only interested in a monogomous relationship, enjoys the weekend mowing the lawn, etc. People change what they want from life and that has to do with timing as well as the person they develop with. I always tell me single girlfriends, don't wait for Mr Right. He doesn't exist. Find somebody who has similar values to you (financial, children, social) and try to work things out. This is not settling for somebody. If you can't work things out, then you move on. Relationships are all about compromise and as long as the other person is willing to communicate and work with you, they don't have to be Mr Right.

I'm not saying you can change a guy. Just that you can work things out. For example, lets say you meet somebody you enjoy hanging out with, but financially he is completely irresponsible. You may never be able to change that, but you could negotiate the relationship where you will completely manage the finances. If he is willing to relinquish all financial comtrol over to you, then that is the compromise.

[Aeryn Sun]

When you are single, people ask you when you are going to find Mr.Right...
When you find Mr.Right, people ask you when you are going to get married...
When you get married, people ask you when you are going to have kids...

My solution is to first avoid it if you can, and be concise and friendly with your reasons if it does get brought up. I have found that avoiding the subject or things around it help. If I have parent friends, I don't talk to them about children, talking about reading, news, weather doesn't relate to me and my reasons for not having children.

[jns]

I turned 31 not too long ago and am happy with my professional life, the town I have chosen to settle down in, my body, my looks, attitude, etc. l feel young, like I'm just 25 and everyone (3rd parties) says I even look like it. But every now and then the "marriage" discussion comes up with friends and it just down right annoys me. I hate the "I have a ticking clock" mentality. I have tried online dating and am a very social woman who knows exactly how to behave around men. I have been told I'm a classy lady by most people. But due to my standards (I refuse to marry just about anyone, esp a guy who does not deserve me) and the long distance which makes life difficult, I have not met the right person. I need some advice about how to think about this "issue" so that it does not get to me. I would like to eventually marry and have a love life, but the guys I have met were just not right for me. Any advice on how to modify y thinking is much appreciated. :-)

Having met a lot of guys who were not right for you, I can see why you limit the field to guys who "deserve you". Unfortunately that will limit the field too severely in many cases. Especially if you want a guy with a similar or higher education, a similar or higher job, a similar or higher family status, etc. Sometimes it might be a better fit to go for the guy who worships the ground you walk on. That is not to say that you have to go for a guy who is not classy, just decide which constraints on the pool of initially acceptable guys are necessary and which ones are not. Then work your way through the initially acceptable guys in hopes of finding one that you are compatible with.

[cocoa]

30 is not young for marriage. And it's not too old to be single, imho. Readiness is a personal thing. If I got married in my 20s, I would definitely say, I wasn't ready. But now that I'm closer to mid 30s, I am comfortable with the thought of marriage, but it's difficult to find someone who wants committment and stability since many today are focused on their "options" and dating around, and always wanting something out there or needing someone to do or be more in order for them to be good enough or deserving. I agree that you deserve the best for yourself but be careful that you don't set unrealistic or unfair expectations. Simply because the guys you meet are not exactly what you want or expect, doesn't mean they can't be good partners. But I don't think you should settle either. On the other hand, remember that everyone has something different to offer. Sometimes, the most unlikely person maybe a good fit. Clearly, you are a capable of making sounds decisions for yourself, and only you can say what will make you happy. But consider lessening some of the expectations. Instead of focusing on whether someone fits or doesn't fit your criteria, focus instead on getting to know people on their own terms. Hope this helps.

[La_perle_rare]

Thank you, makes a lot of sense :-)

[La_perle_rare]

Thanks, makes lots of sense :-)

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The thing is, is to be yourself, no one owns you, this is your life.

Of course people will push you, they don't understand you, apparently every woman must get married at a certain age and she can't be career minded.

Not so. We make our own choices, be it that we love ourselves and life as it is and would love someone to be in it, but finding the right one is important and love career and our own time or, same but we are ready to settle down and have found what we are looking for earlier.

Time has no boundries.

Keep being you.

[Hugo-B]

31! That is young. I got married at 30 and I was not ready at all. The only reason I married so young was because my husband was a lot older than me. Remember, your life expectancy is probably 85, so you have a lot of years ahead of you to be worrying about that. Also, people are getting married later in life, especially educated professionals. Do not think at all that you are old.

About finding the right guy, do not settle. Being unhappy with somebody is worst than being alone. At least you will have your freedom. Make sure your life partner is right for you financially, emotionally, socially, and sexually. With that being said, guys don't come in pre-made packages. They tend to need a lot of work and so do relationships. You always hear that the best ones are always taken. I disagree. I think the ones that are taken have been trained by a good partner. There are some basic characteristics you can't change like integrity and honesty, but most other aspect can be developed.

For example, 25 years ago, my husband was the guy who was juggling multiple women, the type you would never settle down with. Now, he is the exact opposite family man. Plans our financies excellently, works hard, only interested in a monogomous relationship, enjoys the weekend mowing the lawn, etc. People change what they want from life and that has to do with timing as well as the person they develop with. I always tell me single girlfriends, don't wait for Mr Right. He doesn't exist. Find somebody who has similar values to you (financial, children, social) and try to work things out. This is not settling for somebody. If you can't work things out, then you move on. Relationships are all about compromise and as long as the other person is willing to communicate and work with you, they don't have to be Mr Right.

I'm not saying you can change a guy. Just that you can work things out. For example, lets say you meet somebody you enjoy hanging out with, but financially he is completely irresponsible. You may never be able to change that, but you could negotiate the relationship where you will completely manage the finances. If he is willing to relinquish all financial comtrol over to you, then that is the compromise.

Good post, I was going to mention that 'compromising' and 'settling' are two different things. I know it's cliche' but when you meet someone right for you just 'know', you that feeling in your stomach.

Women settling down out of peer pressure or simply giving into the 'ticking clock' mentality must be responsible for a great deal of unhappiness. I'd rather be single than with the wrong person, I also think my partner deserves more than me 'making do' with her. If I found out a girl was with me until something better came along or was just making do with me I'd be quite upset.