[billsmith34]

I recently had a falling out with a girl at a relatively early stage of a relationship, and I'm curious to hear people's opinions on the girl's thought process on her decision, and if my actions were a complete deal breaker.

We are both grad school students living in the same condo complex. We began to hang out/text/email on a daily basis about 3 months ago. She was by far the pursuer right from the start, and would usually be the one to initiate the text/email conversation. About a month into our courtship, we both attended a concert in town, arriving separately with our own friends. While at the concert, she and her two friends saw me dancing with another girl, and while dancing with this girl I gave her a kiss on the cheek. The girl that i kissed on the cheek was a good friend and classmate - we were never in a relationship in the past. The girl that I was courting, upon seeing me dance/kiss my friend, immediately began to send me text messages saying things such as, "you have embarrassed me in front of my friends" and "you have a lot of growing up to do" and "we are done".

When I rec'd these texts I immediately went up to her and asked her what I had done wrong. She told me she saw me kiss another girl on the cheek. At this point, I explained that it was a friend of mine from school and that I was sorry for the kiss. She didn't accept the apology and ran off. I found her a few minutes later and once again tried to explain the situation to her but she refused to discuss it.

At this point, I was upset and left the concert. When I got back to our condo complex that night, i decided to walk over to her condo and wait for her and her friends to return to explain again what happened and apologize. When she returned to her condo, she wasn't happy that I was there. I tried to explain my case, but she was very dismissive. I tried to get her to calm down and listen by touching her arm with my hand. She didn't like that i touched her. At this point, she told me to go home, and I did. In total, i would say the interaction lasted about 2 min.

The next day she asked me to come over to her place. There, I apologized for my actions and said that I was completely wrong for coming over to her place the previous night and touching her arm. She said that she accepted my apology, and that we should just put it behind us.

Over the next two weeks our relationship continued on as if the concert incident never happened. The relationship actually increased in intensity with her repeatedly saying how much she liked me and that "she was so happy to have found me".

About 3 weeks post the concert incident, she told me that she wasn't ready for a relationship and that we just needed to wait until January when we returned from Winter break. I told her that I had no problem waiting, that i didn't want to rush her and that I want things to naturally progress. She was very appreciative with my answer.

Over the next month I played it cool and let her reach out to me before i talked/texted her. Our interactions definitely slowed down, but she still would reach out to me every so often.

Upon returning to school in January, she told me that she just wanted to be friends b/c she just couldn't get over the concert incident when i came to her condo late at night. I was really taken aback by the fact that she was resurfacing an incident from two months ago that she had told me was in the past. I viewed her decision as a bit irrational, but I would love to hear the opinion of the community. Thank you in advance.

[KMonte85]

I think it is kind of ironic that she said YOU had a lot of growing up to do. This girl sounds immature and a bit flighty to be completely honest. She has also been stringing you along for months, not really dating you, but not wanting you to go out and enjoy the company of other people (women specifically) either. How fair is that to you?

This "concert incident" was harmless. You explained the innocence of it, and she was to forgive you as she said she did. Furthermore, you kissed your friend on the cheek before you were in any way exclusive with this woman. And yet, she "can't get over it"

In my opinion, yes, she was being irrational. And on a side note, I think she did you a big favor in saying she just wanted to stay friends... that's a bullet you dodged there, my friend.

[lizzardb63]

Competely agree with KMonte... this also shows exactly how she "fights".. she doesn't want to listen, dismisses what you say before you can even explain, jumps to conclusions, and makes mountains out of mole hills. This is a blessing in disguise. You deserve someone who is going to listen to you, be understanding, and someone willing to make a true committment. Yes, there is going to be fights in every relationship, but it needs to be a give and take and she was being completely irrational about the whole ordeal.

[kygirl]

I'm going to have to agree with everyone else here. She sounds like she needs to grow up. She also sounds like she may have some of her own issues to work out. If I were you, I'd just consider yourself lucky that things didn't get move involved and move on. Do you really want to be with someone who acts that way over something like that? I sure wouldn't.

[acerousme]

yup. totally agree.
are you guys exclusive? She sounds a tad too immature. Adults talk out their issues, not run away. I dont think shes even ready for a relationship

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Actually, I see fear.

You say alot of this was via emails and text messages but your Condo's are not too far apart, as you did walk to hers after the Concert..

Then, you say you both went to a Concert, but seperately, with other friends, you danced with one of those, a female... Why did you all not meet up? Why were you not with her or ask her to dance? This being your new "lady" to be...

It's not the dancing or the kiss.. It's that she has told her friends all about you, the three months of courting and yet, when they get to see you, both in the same place, they see a guy who is supposidly courting their friend, dancing with someone else. I imagine they told her you are a player, I imagine that she said "break" until January, because she feared you'd be off with someone else over that break... Sure, it's her in-security, but again, you decided not to text her and let her do all the texting over that period of time and it wasn't alot, as she probably hoped for you to initiate as well...and so she has said "friends".

You either make her your girlfriend exclusively and tell her that you want that, not the games that have been played or you accept that you don't want that and so, it's friendship.

Women are not mind readers, ignorance or dancing with others "first" or "fullstop" both put doubts in a woman's mind.

Just be wary though, she seems to have an in-secure side to her, whilst she is trying to be "tough" with her words and actions to maybe "test" you, she also may have an in-secure side. So, you need her to understand you have female friends and you will introduce those friends to her and she has nothing to fear.

Your call I think....

[Little]

I definitely see her having her own issues to work through, especially a lack of trust. That's her burden, and until she can get past not the actions that she is angry about, but the REASON why the actions make her so angry ... it is indeed probably better you keep a distance.

But on the other hand, why did you feel the need to apologize so profusely for dancing with your female friend and kissing her cheek? Does your friend belong to a culture where kissing on the cheek is normal between men and women? (I am assuming based on your diction and word choice that you are American and in America, where only the highest social classes will generally do this - correct me if I'm wrong.) I would immediately assume, in her place, that this is a showing of GUILT on your part. I guess it could also be insecurity; you were upset with her big reaction and went big in trying to mollify it, even if it wasn't warranted, to keep her affection.

I think this is a simple case of red flags - the two of you have very different ideas about what the contact should be between yourselves and other members of the opposite gender. This kind of disparity can cause long-term issues, regardless of the perceived maturity or readiness of the members of the relationship.

[JadedQueen]

Should a woman give a man a second chance? Well, it all depends on the woman, man and the issue. Everyone has there own set of "deal breakers" when it comes to relationships. Some people will tolerate certain behavior from their partner while others have zero tolerance for the same behavior. If this girl tells you that she can't get over the concert incident then the way I see it, you have no choice but to respect her decision. You may be able to convince her or charm her into giving the relationship another try but if she is truly unable to let that incident go then even if she did give you and the relationship another chance she would still constantly replay the incident over and over again since she never found a way to work through it and put it behind her so the relationship probably wouldn't survive long term. If that is the case, isn't it better that you cut your losses now instead of five years from now when you are more emotionally involved?