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Reaching out for help..

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  • Reaching out for help..

    This might get a little wordy, so bear with me please...
    Some background: I'm 25 years old, married at 22 - separated March of 2011... I have a history of sordid relationships with boyfriends and my ex-husband.. Was cheated on repeatedly by my first serious boyfriend of 3 years, which eventually led me to leave him. I've been verbally and mentally abused to the point of feeling suicidal and making one attempt in a moment of weakness. I am taking medication for depression, and have been on and off medication since my teenage years.
    I met someone new in September of 2011 and started dating him, he is absolutely amazing, and we are beginning our life together. I am completely in love with this man.
    The problem is, I'm struggling greatly to trust him completely. I sometimes convince myself that he is, or will, cheat on me. I've had issues in the past with an ex boyfriend and also with my ex husband with the whole 'online dating' stuff. I'm of the mind that whether it's in person, or online, via text, or email, physical, or emotional, cheating is cheating. I worry all the time that he isn't being true to me. There is a big part of me that believes that he really does love me, otherwise why would he stick around, right? Why would he allow me into his daughters life, and move into my home with me if he didn't? But there is this nagging voice in the back of my mind that is telling me that it's all a trick, just like every other relationship.
    I don't know how to break these thoughts, he is so understanding (thankfully), and puts up with my self-conscious, self-hating behaviour, but I worry that if I don't stop, it will ruin things.
    I need help, I need to find a way to FULLY trust him. I don't really know what to do, I'm scared of hurting him, of losing him, of pushing him away - which is what I've done several times in the past for fear of getting hurt.
    I've talked to him about my insecurities and he is always very reassuring, but it apparently isn't enough for me, the thoughts and worries are still there..
    This is something I need to work on by myself, and stop holding him accountable to actions of partners in the past... I just don't know how.
    Any help is greatly appreciated, I'm at my wits end.

  • You know I don't think there is one woman on this earth that hasn't either, cheated on a partner or been cheated on.

    And, I believe that there is one "true" partner out there for us, in death, maybe two. And certainly some fond memories and some not so fond memories as we go along that journey to find happiness.

    If you think back, some of those guys were smucks right? Didn't deserve you... And, you probably put up with a few things, a few times that you know you shouldn't have..

    The in-securities really do lay within the self.. You know who you are, respect yourself, won't settle for less and therefore become choosy of who you date and who you let into your life. There will always be people that will still let you down one way or another, a friend who claims to be one but can turn just like that..

    Once you get to the point in realising everyone has faults, and no one is perfect, lessons are there to learn to find better out there, and people will always be people but YOU are stronger from it all and YOU know what you want and respect yourself then you will be able to chalk anything up as, "not the right one for me, I deserve better" and move on.

    Whilst you live in the world of worrying and waiting for it to happen, you can't enjoy your relationship, nor can the other person and so the wheel may turn again, not in cheating but in breaking up.

    What is there to be depressed about? You have a new relationship Go with it, enjoy it, don't worry about the future this time. This time, tell yourself you have happiness... It's not the end of the World if you lose someone, our hearts continue to love. It is the end of the World if you walk it on eggshells always worrying, wondering.. Who ever is meant to be in your life for a lifetime, will be..

    It would be good for you to gain en-powerment, feel confident.. I'd start reading books, attenting seminars and gain my self worth...

    On-line dating can be fickle for sure... Alot of people have baggage and can't let go. Some are only after one thing. But, some really are searching for what they would perceive to be their soul mate. Every relationship you enter into, enter into it in happiness. Just know the one you want will be the one that wants you and you will never be cheated on again.

    Give the guy a go unless he's living with you and you are paying for everything and he's doing nothing....

    You can change you.. You can't change anyone else.



    • Stella...hehe. STELLLLAAAAAA!

      Sorry, I had to.

      I know that there is nothing I can say that will completely absolve your trust issues. Thats something you have to do on your own, so I offer my advice.
      Sweetheart, I know its hard to let go of the past, and the hurt. Its so easy to carry it with you. But it will only soil this new relationship.

      Hes understanding...thats good. Thats a good sign! If he didnt love you, it would have been a "get in, get off, get out" sort of situation, dontcha think?

      The only way you can fully trust him, is to fully love yourself. And it takes a while to get there. (Ive been on this site since I was 16. Its helped me through a lot!)

      Write a letter to everyone that has hurt you in the past. write WHATEVER you want. And then burn them. Let your emotions go. Cry if you have to. It wasnt right for your ex to cheat on you. HE needs help. YOU need closure. So lets work on getting that closure by writing some nasty letters!

      ONLY YOU can make or break yourself. This man sounds like he really loves you. Give him a chance. But do it on your own terms. There is no need to rush. You're young and have many years ahead of you. Sit down, and tell this guy your story. And when he asks if there is anything he can do to help, ask him for a hug, and a promise that he will not hurt you. You need to let go of the past. He isnt the same guy as your ex. Not even close, right? I bet they dont even have the same name or the same look.

      I hope Im not going in circles, but I want you to see your full potential. I follow six rules. I actually wrote them on my bedroom mirror, so I read them daily.

      1) Keep moving forward. What is in the past, is in the past. Dont let it stop you!
      2) Forgive and forget. Let it go. Write those letters, and burn them. I know its hard to forgive, and its even harder to forget. But its better for YOU if you do. Its a weight off of your shoulders. Kinda like...dont sweat the small stuff. And your ex? small stuff. A REAL man wouldnt have done that to you. And I am VERY sorry he put you through that. You did NOTHING wrong. He has an illness. NOT YOU.
      3) FIND THE POSITIVE! You have been blessed with something great. A big heart! (I can tell by your writing that you are a sweetheart). And you have a man that is willing to stick by you through this. Thats amazing!
      4) Cherish the small stuff. Remember, it doesnt have to be big to be amazing. This guy is right in front of you, willing to give you the time and love you need and want. Not only that, but look in the mirror, and pick out everything you love about yourself. Or your home! Remember to be thankful for what you have (your health, food, love, a roof over your head, sleeping in...) I know its hard to focus on the good, but once you do see it, thank your lucky stars.
      5) ANYTHING completed is a huge victory, and creating this thread is a GINORMOUS step in the right direction! Victory number ONE for you!! This is a great step, and Im proud of you for taking it. Asking for help and advice is hard, taking it is even harder. Keep going!!

      and finally....the MOST IMPORTANT RULE

      ONLY YOU CAN MAKE OR BREAK YOURSELF. This ex is no longer standing in your way. This is your life! YOU get to decide who is in it, and what you want to do with it. Believe in yourself, and if you happen to fall, let the new guy or us catch you, and help you up until you are ready to take off the training wheels. Learning to love again after heartbreak is tough, but you're making strides already!! Dont stop believing in yourself, ever. You are strong! I mean, you survived something that makes most people give up. You aren't "most". You are apart of the minority that wants to better themselves, and keep growing.

      ...hope all that made sense...
      The children almost broken by the world become the adults most likely to change it



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