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To long-distance, or not?

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  • To long-distance, or not?

    I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months now. We met online and have been enjoying ourselves getting to know each other and our relationship seems to be heading in a serious direction. We live in different cities but every weekend, one of us goes to visit the other. So far, he's made a lot of effort and his actions show he really cares for me. We speak often, not everyday, but it's enough for us to have great communication.

    My boyfriend's career is very important to him and I respect and support that. He's 25 (we both are) and is in the prime of his career, doing his MBA and starting to climb the corporate ladder. He recently got offered a position in Hong Kong (we live in Spain) and is taking it. It means he will move there in August for a minimum of 4 months. I have a new job starting in Barcelona, where he currently lives, in July and will be tied down there for at least a year. I am open to moving to where he will be if our relationship goes the distance as I have a flexible career, but I don't know how to say that to him.

    My question is: I feel we have a healthy, budding relationship and though it's early days, we have strong feelings for each other. I want to know how I can best approach the subject of what he thinks is going to happen with us when he leaves-i.e. does he see a future, will he want a long-distance relationship etc. I don't want to sound desperate and push him away because it seems like a conversation that's premature in a 5-month relationship, but necessary in our circumstances.


    any advice and suggestions are welcome.

  • The good news is that very long distance relationships are easier than ever due to electronic communications and the internet. If you both have high speed internet, there are many options. If there is not high speed internet at one of the locations, calling cards can make calling affordable. International texting plans should be available.

    That being said, the real situation is how much you trust each other and if you both are OK seeing each other infrequently. I would suggest visiting at least several times a year, maybe he visiting you, then later you visiting him or the other way around. Do you both have strong feelings of exclusivity in your relationship?
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • not too long-distance

      I met my fiance online as well. Though I am from Canada and he is from China! It took us over a year for us to even finally meet in person!
      But now we are getting married!

      I think if you love each other enough, and able to find a way to make the relationship work(and find a way to be together in the end!) I think it will work out.

      Anything is possible!

      Just discuss it with him and see what he thinks of the relationship and if he is still willing to make it work out as well no matter the distance. If you both have mutual feelings for each other, I think there won't be a problem in the end.
      你好

      Comment


      • It's true that with technology long distance relationships can work. We are already in a "minor" long distance relationship as we live in separate cities but manage to keep in communication throughout the week.

        Yes, we have strong feelings of exclusivity. He told me I am his girlfriend and "my girl" and he has also removed his online dating profile (where we met) as he said he wasn't interested in dating any one else.

        I guess my main problem is how to approach the subject of the future and find out what he thinks will happen when he leaves. I know we have to have this talk but I'm afraid it's pre-emptive and perhaps a little early, although given the circumstances maybe it isn't.

        Thanks for your advice!

        Originally posted by jns View Post
        The good news is that very long distance relationships are easier than ever due to electronic communications and the internet. If you both have high speed internet, there are many options. If there is not high speed internet at one of the locations, calling cards can make calling affordable. International texting plans should be available.

        That being said, the real situation is how much you trust each other and if you both are OK seeing each other infrequently. I would suggest visiting at least several times a year, maybe he visiting you, then later you visiting him or the other way around. Do you both have strong feelings of exclusivity in your relationship?

        Comment


        • I'm so happy to hear you had a happy ending and outcome to your relationship. I guess anything is possible but I am afraid of going through so much suffering and finding out later he didn't have the same intention.How did you approach the subject with your fiance? Did you ask him directly about where he saw your relationship going or did you just "go with the flow" until it naturally came up?

          Originally posted by chelandoll View Post
          I met my fiance online as well. Though I am from Canada and he is from China! It took us over a year for us to even finally meet in person!
          But now we are getting married!

          I think if you love each other enough, and able to find a way to make the relationship work(and find a way to be together in the end!) I think it will work out.

          Anything is possible!

          Just discuss it with him and see what he thinks of the relationship and if he is still willing to make it work out as well no matter the distance. If you both have mutual feelings for each other, I think there won't be a problem in the end.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by seli View Post
            I'm so happy to hear you had a happy ending and outcome to your relationship. I guess anything is possible but I am afraid of going through so much suffering and finding out later he didn't have the same intention.How did you approach the subject with your fiance? Did you ask him directly about where he saw your relationship going or did you just "go with the flow" until it naturally came up?
            I can understand your worries. Long-distance relationships are definitely hard and different. I guess this is what makes our situation different. In terms on long-distance I think seeing how you have been together for 5 months is really great. But also because of this type of relationship, you have to treat it a bit different also. I think you should talk to him about it. I don't feel that it is too early to do so. Just being in this type of relationship, I think you really have to make an effort to stay strong and work out ways to make the relationship work for the both of you. Especially with him moving away even farther, I think you should bring it up. Tell him you still want to be together, and find out if he wants to also. If he does, then I think your next step is talking about the future. As in, keeping in contact, and how work will effect it. But if you both really feel the same about each other, I really think you will work it out so that you can be together, and it won't be long distance anymore.
            After his trip, is he planning to move back again to the city that you are at now?
            With my situation, we both new that we cannot keep a long-distance relationship together forever, so we both planned and discussed together how to come together. My fiance actually brought it up first, but I was open to it, so we continued to discuss it.
            你好

            Comment

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