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Terrified of commitment

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  • Terrified of commitment

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and 3 months. We have lived together for about 2.5 years but we only moved in together because his old roommate was turning into a jerk and physically threatening him - neither of us really wanted to live together at that point. Needless to say that caused some drama. We, just like any other couple, have our fights. They used to get out of control sometimes. We started going to counseling together about 6 months ago and it's like a new beginning. We both were doing terrible things to each other and just grew apart. Since we have been going though everything feels much better. He is sweeter, I'm more able to tell when I'm being naggy etc... I have gained most of my confidence in our relationship back. I'm not looking for an escape route anymore - which, I will admit, had a lot to do with my own past relationships and (as it's titled) my fear of commitment. I think about marriage sometimes. I feel more ready to have a kid than to get married honestly.

    My parents got divorced when I was 7 - nasty, disgusting divorce. My sister is getting divorced after 11 years of marriage and 3 kids. My dad got divorced from my step-mom and is now on wife #3. I have absolutely no experience or evidence that relationships ever work out. He keeps bringing it up. He said something about it the other day and I just kind of brushed it off. I just can't picture myself ever getting married....it's not like the though of being with him in 50 years scares me....I just cannot picture myself in a white dress with all this attention on me. I don't know what it is. Is there something wrong with me? I hear all these girls talk about how every girl dreams of it and plans their wedding out for years...I never have. I feel like I'm missing some critical part of my female genome....

  • I can definitely relate to you on this. I've always been different than most of the women in my area (especially since it's the bible belt) in the fact that I have NO desire to marry at this point. Now that doesn't mean I never want to get married....what it means for me is that I haven't met the right person. I believe that when I do, marriage will be something I look forward to, that I long for. Will I ever want the big fancy wedding? No probably not. I see myself and my "fiance" traveling somewhere far away, like in another country and marrying then spending a few weeks traveling and enjoying each other.

    In your case, much like mine (though my parents didn't split), you've paid attention to what has gone around you. You're smart. You've seen how people marry for the wrong reasons and how they divorce. You've seen how a person can seem so trustworthy, then turn out to be someone totally different. And you have no desire to put yourself in that situation. I don't either. I don't want to get married until I'm with someone that makes me WANT to get married, someone that I can not only trust to be faithful, but that I can trust to be who he says he is.

    Who says you have to have the big white dress and be the center of attention? If this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, I suppose it doesn't matter in what way you do it. Even a courthouse marriage would suffice. But the big question is, is this the man you want to spend your life with? Are you happy? Do you feel loved, cherished, respected?
    "Be what you're looking for."


    • Yes I do. Thinking of my "husband" doesn't freak me out. I guess it's just all the things that come along with a wedding like you said. I would be fine with just a little ceremony (or none!) with our families.

      Thanks. At least I know I'm not alone here! I guess when you word it that way I'm not so much afraid of commitment, more of everything that comes along with something that only lasts 20 minutes...and, like you said, I've seen it go bad but I've also had it go bad. Thinking I'm with "the one" and it turns out he was lying to me about spending time with his ex.

      However, he is the first guy I have ever been with that I'm 100% confident in. I can say with total confidence that he has never and would not cheat on me. I have never been that secure before. I actually feel like he really does love me which is also weird for me.

      Thank you for your response. I have not looked at it from that point of view. You helped me clarify some things that were confusing to me


      • Not alone!

        You're definitely not alone. It freaks me out to even look at a wedding dress. And I, like you, cannot stand being the center of attention. But I look at it this way, a wedding no matter how big or small is just an expression of your love for one another, and it's only one day. The wedding is just a beginning. For your wedding, if you even choose to have one, is controlled by what you want. Not everyone dreams of a white wedding. I for one would much rather get that part out of the way so I can start my life with my SO.

        It sounds like you have been preconditioned based on your experiences to be very weary of marriage. I look at it this way- you know what to avoid because you have experienced the fall out. It gives you an advantage over many others who haven't experienced a bad marriage or a divorce. You can be the exception to your experiences.

        The bottom line is this- those people that do get married don't have any guarantees. Nobody does. the question is are you willing to take that leap with the man in your life?


        • Aweee, it's good that you feel this way... Too many people (me in-cluded) make the mistake of "giving something a go" when that is not what it is all about.. Yet, again lessons learnt.

          You are lucky, you have someone who wants to make things happen, is willing... That's a great start.

          Take your time.

          The main reason why I wanted to answer was to say, please, please, don't look at what happens to others. Others, is not YOU.



          • Marriage is a social construct defined by religion, culture and the law. I always say it has very little to do with love. Being married makes it easier to live in society and the law gives you benefits. Don't feel pressured into following the social norm just because most people do it. Live life the way you want to. As long as you are not hurting anybody, don't worry about it. I didn't want a big wedding either. Told my husband we should run off to Vegas and get one of those cheesy Star Wars themed weddings just for fun. He didn't go for it

            I got married because of other issues, not because I loved my husband. I choose to be with him because I love him. Those are 2 different things. Marriage is a business contract about combining finances. I personally think that people who get married because they want the big white wedding or because they are in love (and that is the only reason) are doing it for the wrong reason. You marry somebody because you want to build a business together and fit into society. Therefore you need to consider their financial viability, acceptability socially, etc. Loving that person makes it a lot easier. But I don't think of it as a requirement. You can have a successfull business with somebody you don't even like, but it will probably make you unhappy working with that person. Similarly you have have a marriage that really works (financially and for the kids), but is hard on your heart. It also goes the other way. You can love somebody who is not a good provider/father, etc. (sorry, I think I have gotten a little off topic with my tirade about marriage)

            Don't be fooled by the happy pictures of blushing brides. Don't feel you are not feminine for not wanting a big wedding. Its not about being a woman, that comes from being fed the social pill that teaches us that is what women want. Be free and do what you feel, not what society tells you to feel.
            Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


            • It's crazy that I agree so much with sp346, when I know our beliefs about the origins of marriage are very different. Your mate is your business partner, the marriage is your business, and your vows are your contract. The white dress, the big fancy cake, and the hall with crystal chandaliers are cool if that's your thing, but it does not equate to a lasting marriage or happiness. (In fact, the debt could doom it). Romantic love does not either. Being smart about the business of marriage does.

              My wife and I had our own ceremony - just us two and God. My uncle married us legally in his basement with about 15 people there a few days later. A few months later her father had a big barbecue in his backyard as a reception because he wanted to. (I do admit it was nice, but all he paid for was the food that he and his brothers and sisters cooked). No white dress, no wedding cake, no DJ, no rental halls or churches, no limousine, no debt. We did not spend one dime on any of it. We did go to Cedar Point after we got married - not your traditional honeymoon. We probably spent a couple hundred bucks on that trip. A lot of our cousins and friends that went traditional and spent a lot of money and went into debt around the same time we did our thing and after are divorced. We're still together 12 years later and experience marital bliss (most of the time) with no end in sight.

              That's my marriage rant. Take that sp346!
              "Those sowing seed with tears
              Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126



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