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Mother Issues

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  • Mother Issues

    My boyfriend (39) and I (42) have been dating each other now for 1½ years. I live on my own and am doing pretty good on my own. He is currently living with his Mother (70) and Grandmother (93). His Mother has a lot of health issues as well as his Grandmother. He is not from this area but his Mother is. She moved back here 8 years ago to take care of her Mother. My boyfriend ended up moving here because she could not take care of herself or her Mother anymore. He has been living with them for going on 4 years and is their sole caregiver. He has his paychecks directly deposited to his Mother's account and she keeps the money. Both his Mom and Grandmother get SSI checks every month so there is no real reason she has to have his paychecks. He pays for everything and she gets upset with him whenever he has to take money out for something or has to spend money on anything (ie. If he gets hurt and needs medication she throws a fit he has to pay for the office visit and medication).

    My boyfriend has a very bad past but that is just what it is.. in his past. I don't think she has ever forgiven him for anything he has done although she is the one who started the downward spiral. In his early 20's he went to jail for stealing her car. She is the one who pressed the charges and had him thrown in jail. It just escalated from there. He spent most of his 20's in and out of jail.

    Let me give you a little background about their family situation. His Dad died of cancer when he was 9 years old. His Mother worked as a Paramedic at the time and he could not figure out why Mommy couldn't save Daddy. He was just a child so he was angry for a little bit until he really understood what cancer was! When his Mother was pregnant with him she was not very happy. I personally think that she wishes she didn't have the child because she actually thought she had miscarried him. It turns out he was a twin and that is who she miscarried. My boyfriend has an older sister (who is the apple of her Mother's eye) and I adore her but they didn't have a great sibling relationship. She literally tried to kill him at least 3 times that I know of.

    After his Father died they had the opportunity to move up here but his Mother decided it was more important to be around her friends instead of family. My boyfriend has 4 Uncles who would have loved the chance to help raise him but were denied. Then they all started to have families of their own so it made it even more difficult for them to help with my boyfriend. He does have 1 Uncle who is pretty much a father-figure for my boyfriend now. I absolutely adore this Uncle because he is always out for his best interest. My boyfriend had a ******** childhood and to be honest I am shocked he is as nice to his Mother as he is. I don't know if I could do the same thing if I was in his situation.

    Anyway -- lately his Mother has been trying to cause problems in our relationship and I am at a loss of what to do. I honestly believe she is jealous of me and that just isn't right. We talked about moving in together a month or so ago but she literally made him feel guilty so he wouldn't. She told him that she would be homeless if he moved out but she has friends (and a disability) that would allow her to get some sort of housing. His Grandmother actually should be in a home because she has Dementia and it is hard to take care of her living at home now. If he was to leave Grandma would end up in a Nursing Home and his Mother would end up in a home of her own. They would lose the family house because everything is in Grandma's name. I am not exactly sure about the details but apparently the Home would get her assets. (?)

    My boyfriends Mother told him that he can never ever move out nor will she allow me to live there with them. I really never wanted to because as much as I love his Mother she would drive me insane. She does not allow me to spend the night anymore because a.) we are not married and b.) if I stay longer than 2 days I am a "mooch". Granted I have never paid her to spend the night but it isn't like I don't do anything. I have always been willing to help with any sort of shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc... I have even stayed with her to take care of her when my boyfriend has been away for long periods of time. My boyfriend and I just recently were invited to go spend the weekend with one of his Uncles (the father-figure) for the city thrift sale they have every year. I was talking to another family member when she made the comment about how I should give her $25 for her fathers homemade Margaritas. He makes a ******** of a good one! I told my boyfriend about it because I was shocked she had mentioned it especially right after his Mother made the "mooch" comment. My boyfriend ended up getting upset that I was asked to bring money for some drinks when everyone else would be drinking it as well. I was raised that if you go someplace and you bring something you don't charge people for it. You do it because you want to. He happens to agree with that. I asked him if he told anyone about the comment and he said yes he told his Mother. Her reply was: "Well why not? She (meaning me) sucks off everyone else!". I get upset (and hurt) because this is the second time she has made this reference. My boyfriend tells me: "No honey, it's not like that. She just feels that everyone has to pay for you when we go out.". The last time I checked that is what I figured she was saying! I may not be rich but he has known this from the beginning. I am on disability so I get a fixed income every month. I live on MY own so I am responsible for my rent, phone bill, cable bill, food, etc. It eats up my money quickly. Besides, I will take my boyfriend out on a date night when I have the funds. I don't always expect him to pay for everything but he does because he is just that type of guy.

    I am at my wits end right now because I don't know what to do. I can promise you that if I confront his Mother she will just tell me that HE actually said all that but is just blaming her so he doesn't look bad. I don't believe that for a moment. My boyfriend and I have our ups and downs (like normal) but I know he loves me. We want to be together forever. Granted he may not ever want to get married because he was once before and that turned him off marriage. I have accepted that though. I can handle being together forever if we are able to live our own lives. His Mother has been mean to me since she found out that he wanted to live with me. I can't even stand to be in the same room with her right now.

    I don't get to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend due to his crazy work schedule and now his Mother's lame excuses. When we do it is pretty special and sometimes it makes me feel like I should not go see him. When I really think about that though it is like letting her win. I refuse to let her win. I never thought I would have to fight for my boyfriends love and attention with his own Mother! I know that if I give my boyfriend an ultimatum (me or his Mother) I will only lose in the end. He does not go for them in any shape or form. In all honesty, he shouldn't have to choose between his family and me. I hope I am making some sense and would appreciate any help or advice. Just to make it clear in advance he will not go to any therapy. He was forced into therapy after his Father died and doesn't believe in it. When I try to talk to him about how I feel he gets upset. I used to think he would pick me because in the past he has fought with his Mother over something she has said to me. I am not so sure now. I just know that I love him with all of my heart and he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
    Last edited by KMonte85; 05-01-2012, 05:21 AM. Reason: paragraphing

  • Originally posted by BttflyKitten View Post
    If he was to leave Grandma would end up in a Nursing Home and his Mother would end up in a home of her own. They would lose the family house because everything is in Grandma's name. I am not exactly sure about the details but apparently the Home would get her assets.

    Make sure that that's the case currently. State laws on Long-Term Care are rapidly changing. I'm not extremely familiar with WI laws, but I'm pretty sure they changed in the past few years. They're a long-term care partnership state now, which means that if a person has taken certain steps to protect themselves from going into a home if they do ultimately have to their assets will be protected. States won't kick a spouse out of a home and now a lot of them won't kick out a caregiver. I'm just not sure if WI is one of them. The laws in MI just changed in the middle of last year on this very issue as long as the caregiver has been providing care for 2 years. Start by checking with the State Department of Health and Human Services.
    "Those sowing seed with tears
    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

    Comment


    • Originally posted by BttflyKitten View Post
      We talked about moving in together a month or so ago but she literally made him feel guilty so he wouldn't.
      Originally posted by BttflyKitten View Post
      I get upset (and hurt) because this is the second time she has made this reference. My boyfriend tells me: "No honey, it's not like that...
      Originally posted by BttflyKitten View Post
      I can handle being together forever if we are able to live our own lives.
      Originally posted by BttflyKitten View Post
      don't get to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend due to his crazy work schedule and now his Mother's lame excuses.
      Originally posted by BttflyKitten View Post
      I never thought I would have to fight for my boyfriends love and attention with his own Mother!
      Originally posted by BttflyKitten View Post
      I know that if I give my boyfriend an ultimatum (me or his Mother) I will only lose in the end.
      Originally posted by BttflyKitten View Post
      When I try to talk to him about how I feel he gets upset. I used to think he would pick me because in the past he has fought with his Mother over something she has said to me. I am not so sure now. I just know that I love him with all of my heart and he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
      These are the quotes from your post that really struck me. This just oozes of a codependant relationship between mother and son, and you're stuck in the middle.

      Are you willing to spend the rest of your life with a man who has made it painfully obvious that you will always be #2 in his life?

      The man you spend your life with should be your partner, he should be your support, he should love you and cherish you. This guy can't, because he's already got a woman in his life who is his world... Mom. You will never be as important to him as him mother is, and she will control him (and therefore, you, if you choose to stay) for the rest of her life.

      You will NEVER be able to build a life together with this man. He made that clear when he wouldn't live with you because Mom said no. Or when he wouldn't defend you when his Mom called you a mooch. Or when you try to bring up this MAJOR issue and he gets mad at you.

      if you're satisfied with the situation as it is now, by all means keep on keeping on. But I don't think that's the case at all. You might not want marriage, but you DEFINITELY want more than what you're getting right now. If you didn't, this whole situation with him and his family wouldn't be frustrating you so much.

      Take some time to yourself to really reflect. Think about what you want from the relationships in your life. Think about if you will be truly happy living the way you have been for the last 1 1/2 years for conceivable another 20 or more.

      Is the relationship as it is right now something you're willing to accept for yourself forever?

      Comment

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