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Is he too aggressive? Or am I just rude?

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  • Is he too aggressive? Or am I just rude?

    Okay, so my old relationship crashed and burned a while ago. So, I decided to date. I'm open to whatever Life throws my way. In my heart though, I want a stable, long-term relationship that leads to marriage. However, I'm not one to settle, and I'm perfectly capable of waiting. I'm a hopeless romantic, but I hardly fall all over myself for every smooth talking guy.

    I met a nice guy on eHarmony named Nathan a couple weeks ago. He's smart, has a good sense of humour, and seems like a genuinely nice guy. Unfortunately, we met right before I was about to go on vacation for a week. The night before my flight, he really wanted to see me. I kept saying no, because my flight was early and I had packing to do, but he kept asking. Finally I caved and said yes, and we met up for the first time. It was nice and I had a good time, but part of me was irked at myself that I went out even though I knew I didn't have the time. I pulled an all-nighter just to get packed.

    So, while I was on my trip, my phone didn't work. He was always asking to video chat, even though I told him I was on vacation and rather liked being apart from my technology. We did chat over webcam a couple times, but certainly not as much as he would have liked. I mean...I'm on vacation in Europe. I also just met this guy. I didn't think it was rude to not be in contact all the time.

    Since I've been home, he's wanted to see me every day since I've been back almost. The day I got back, he kept asking to see me and take me to lunch. I really just wanted to relax and unpack, but I went anyway. And he is really sweet and nice, but it just seems to be all the time. I finally had to insist later last week and say, "No, I'm sorry. I need to stay home and take care of some things here."

    Then we were talking, and he asked how many guys I've slept with. I was very blunt and said that it didn't matter, that it was in the past, and I didn't feel the need to talk about it. He said,

    "Yeah, I get that now. But would you eventually tell me?"

    Is it weird to be put off by that? Frankly, my past (sexual and otherwise) isn't the best or cleanest. I went through a lot in my teen years, and my sexual history is rather something I'd not ever discuss unless truly comfortable with someone.

    Well, the other day he asked to meet at his house so we could go on a surprise date somewhere. I was hesitant, but agreed anyway. He lives with his family, and suddenly (before I knew it), I was meeting both his sisters, shaking hands with his Father, and his Mom was giving me a hug. Woah! I only knew this guy for two weeks. I may have been brought up oddly, but that seems really quick to me!

    He's can be really sweet, though. Flowers, home-made fruit arrangements with all my favourite fruits. He never lets me pay for a thing. But he is **constantly** calling and asking to see me. And the other day, when we were being playful and flirty, he pinned me up against the wall and started kissing me. Well, I wasn't exactly comfortable with that much kissing and touching, so I gently pulled back and said, "Hey, let's sit down. I want to hear about your day." ...he didn't let go for a couple minutes. I finally felt like I had to get forceful and push back on him and say, "Seriously, Nathan. Let's just sit down."

    I talked to him about this, but the constant calls and texts still didn't stop. I just turned off my phone for a couple days and stuck to email, hoping to get some peace and quiet. I don't want to come across as being rude, but I'm not the type of girl to meet someone and need to talk to them **all** the time. I have a job, class, and friends. And I like my alone time. I always feel like he wants to talk and see me. And it's sweet. I think he's a nice guy, and I really like his personality when we talk and go out. But I get really uneasy at how often he tries to push his way into my Life. Am I just being rude and uptight about all this? Advice is appreciated.

    Alex

  • He sounds needy. Apart from that I think your personalities don't mesh. And he does not need to know about your past sexual history.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • Its been two weeks in and you're already annoyed by his constant need for your attention. Can you imagine how much that is going to magnify if you two were to get closer to a relationship?

      You can already see the writing on the wall... he's a sweet guy I'm sure, but he's probably not the right guy for you - you need space and he can't provide that. And in all honesty, you're probably not the right girl for him either - he needs constant attention and reassurance and you can't give that to him without being irritated by it.

      In my opinion, it may be time to get back on eHarmony and see who else is out there.

      Comment


      • Put it down to an inherantly suspicious nature....but I would be REAL careful of this guy. Two weeks and he mentally already has you engaged, meeting his family and "can't live" without constant contact? He seems to be constantly a "nice guy"? Well anyone can do that for "two weeks" during a "courtship" phase...how will he treat you if you begin "buy into" his plan? Will he become jealous and controling?
        Will he have further mental agendas? Maybe "expect" that you will provide him x children? Like I said I have a suspicious nature...if i were you ( and I am not..I'm even male); I would run like ********!

        Comment


        • In my experience when a man/woman wants that much contact or communication that immediately there are real insecurity issues at play. I'm also not that comfortable with the meeting the family so quickly and, although rather sexy, the aggression worries me a bit. He seems way to "into you" for such a short period of time. I think your gut is telling you what you need to do; that is why you posted here.

          Good luck!

          Comment


          • Supposing this guy is 100% on the up-and-up, you two obviously have completely different requirements for amount of time given by a partner (and probably different ideas about when a date becomes a partnership.) You need one day a week, he needs seven.
            He's showing you who he is and what he needs from a relationship. He's ignoring all the signs of who you are and what you need, so make it clear: This is not working out. And no, there's no way to make it work.
            <center><i>Nature gives us shapeless shapes,<br>Clouds and waves and flame,<br>But human expectation is that love remains the same,<br>And when it doesn’t, we point our fingers and blame.</i><br><a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/register.php">Register</a>|<a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/members/little.html">Contact Admin</a>|<a href="mailto:support*womens-health.com?subject=Forum Contact">Email Admin</a></center>

            Comment


            • Originally posted by Alexandra;

              The night before my flight, he really wanted to see me. I kept saying no, because my flight was early and I had packing to do, but he kept asking. Finally I caved .....part of me was irked at myself that I went out even though I knew I didn't have the time....

              He was always asking to video chat, even though I told him I was on vacation and rather liked being apart from my technology. We did chat... but certainly not as much as he would have liked. I mean...I'm on vacation in Europe. I also just met this guy. I didn't think it was rude to not be in contact all the time.

              he's wanted to see me every day since I've been back almost. The day I got back, he kept asking to see me and take me to lunch. I really just wanted to relax and unpack, but I went anyway. I finally had to insist .....

              he asked how many guys I've slept with. ... I didn't feel the need to talk about it. He said,
              "Yeah, I get that now. But would you eventually tell me?"

              Is it weird to be put off by that?

              Well, the other day he asked to meet at his house so we could go on a surprise date somewhere. I was hesitant, but agreed anyway. He lives with his family, and suddenly (before I knew it), I was meeting both his sisters, shaking hands with his Father, and his Mom was giving me a hug. Woah! I only knew this guy for two weeks. I may have been brought up oddly, but that seems really quick to me!

              He never lets me pay for a thing. But he is **constantly** calling and asking to see me.

              he pinned me up against the wall and started kissing me. Well, I wasn't exactly comfortable ...he didn't let go for a couple minutes. I finally felt like I had to get forceful and push back ....

              I talked to him about this, but the constant calls and texts still didn't stop. I just turned off my phone for a couple days and stuck to email, hoping to get some peace and quiet. I don't want to come across as being rude, ... But I get really uneasy at how often he tries to push his way into my Life. Am I just being rude and uptight about all this? Advice is appreciated.

              Alex
              Alex...I took the liberty of going through your original post to show why I think you are dealing with a controlling jealous person:

              first quote: He insisted you meet and you "caved" even though you knew you didn't have time. Is he considerate of your needs?

              Second quote: He insists that you constantly call and video chat with him while you are on vacation? Is it that he can't wait to see you or that he can't stand that you are not where he can watch everything you do?

              Third quote: More of the same...he expects to control your time.

              Fourth quote: ??he wants to know about your past sex life? Sounds like irrational jealousy of your past to me. And something to throw in your face if you displease him at a later time: "you slvt..you did x with y".

              Fifth quote: he wants you dependant- no money to pay for anything. How will that play out in your finances if you become involved with him?

              Sixth quote: He "pins" you against a wall and does not let you go until you "get forceful and push him back". How will that play out if he is married to you and thinks he has the "right" to use your body?

              Seventh quote: You have to turn off your phone ..to get some peace and quiet? He can't honor your request?

              Abusive, jealous, controlling men who are prosecuted for all levels of spousal abuse; up to and including murder, seemed like "nice guys" who wanted constant contact, and paid for everything. I can be totally wrong...but this is what I picked out of your post. I see these not as "cute" infatuation, but as red flag warnings about who he is when he takes off his peacock suit. What happens when the "courtship" is over and he thinks he has you. Is he going to be "nice" and take "no" as an answer? Or will he think you are "out of line"; "after all he has done for you" and feel he needs to "correct" you.

              I can of course be totally wrong...but I still say run honey run fast.
              Last edited by Fallen1; 05-22-2012, 01:20 PM. Reason: Fixed quote ;-)

              Comment


              • Hey y'all! Thank you all for replying. I really appreciate all the responses.

                KMonte, I completely understand that. I thought about what would happen if we were to get into a relationship as well, and the thought almost concerned me.

                Little - Thank you for being so blunt. I think I needed to hear that!

                Sahara - While I never got the feeling he was dangerous, I do thank you for all the ways you used to warn me. It certainly was something I hadn't thought of, and I'm glad you mentioned it!

                Valnickyl - You were right about my gut telling me what I needed to do. I read these replies and it just helped solidify what I already knew.

                Well, as much as I knew it would hurt his feelings, I broke it off yesterday. After reading these posts, and talking to a couple friends of mine, I knew that it was probably for the best that we part ways now. I told him that I thought we had different needs in a relationship, and that it wouldn't work out. When he kept asking questions, I tried to be honest but gentle. I told him he was a great guy, and I thought he deserved someone who could give him the attention he wanted. I also told him, when he kept pushing, that I didn't feel like I was being listened to. I should only have to say "no" once.

                He wanted to make things work, and asked if we could just give it a few more times now that we've had this conversation. He said that he knew sometimes when new things come into his Life he can be a bit obsessive, but he was trying to change that and knew it was a problem. He seemed really kind of heartbroken, and I almost caved in yet again and just said, 'okay, okay. We'll try.' But, I knew that it was just prolonging the inevitable, so I told him "no". I felt so badly, because it seems like I really tore him up over this. However, I think this was for the best.

                Thanks again, y'all. You really helped cement my decision about this. Sometimes I just need some reassurance, because I absolutely hate being rude or not giving a genuinely good guy a chance.

                Comment

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