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Too much too young? Doubts!

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  • Too much too young? Doubts!

    I feel a bit ridiculous posing this question as it seems the answer is obvious but the fact it's continually prying on my mind makes me want to seek outside opinions.

    I'm 20 and I've been with my 23 year old boyfriend for nearly 4 years now, and it's always been a distance relationship. We've never had a serious argument and he loves me very much. He tells me how much he loves me many times everyday (to the point that it sometimes annoys me). The idea of breaking up with him seems awful because I don't know what he would do, he dropped out of university after his first year and has worked in a supermarket ever since, and though he has many friends I'm scared of hurting him as I really do care for him and love him. I'm just not sure if it's the love of a girlfriend or just a good friend.

    I'm in my 2nd year of uni now and we had a bit of a bad patch half way through my first year where I expressed doubts over the 4 hour distance between us and it not being fair on either of us, but he wouldn't have it. I know it's wonderful to have someone who won't give up on you but ever since I've felt a little trapped I suppose. He is also expressing plans of moving in together when I graduate, and goes in pretend sulks when, again, I express doubts. I feel very young to be in such a serious relationship, especially when my peers are enjoying their time without someone interrupting every 5 minutes to tell you how much they miss you for the 8th time that day. Though my friends often tell me how lucky I am to be in such a happy relationship, it makes me feel even worse to be doubting it (and him).

    My parents had a long and unhappy separation that often put me (as an only child) in horrible situations that probably hasn't helped my stance on commitments. I keep telling myself that it's a case of the grass being greener in a single life, when a separation may be the worst decision I could make. Am I over reacting over nothing?

    Sorry for the essay! x

  • Hi simply_ me, welcome to the Forum

    You know as we grow, I think anyway, each 5 years we change. We've seen alot in those 5 years and we've grown, learnt and have new ideas, goals, dreams as well as maintaining some old ones.

    I think really, you've grown "out" of this relationship and you feel stifled alot.. 8 times a day being told I love you, would smother me to death

    Obviously, he's insecure and that's why he's doing it.

    I also note the comment about his position. Dropped out of Uni and now working in a supermarket. So, I think you see no future? He's just mosing on in life? And, yet you have plans for yours...

    There are several issues therefore, not just one.

    Who are you ? What are your dreams, goals, career path will he fit into those honestly.. Are you now independant yet obviously would be happy to share your life with someone who is also independant has the same dreams, goals and passion in some sort of road ....

    As hard as it is. You can only really make decisions based on YOU, not how someone else will feel. That is your heart and compassion is a good trait to have but if we live for someone else, we are not living for ourselves.

    It's when you know who you are, find yourself and are 100% happy with yourself that someone else can walk with you on that journey.

    I think his suggesting on living with you has scared you, no way, too young, I don't want to get married. And, that is what it will feel like.

    You will know whether it's just a deep friendship now, or real love if you ask yourself honestly. But, remember... distance can make you independant. That does not mean that you don't love someone.. It can also make you less intimate as in dates, laughter, holding each other, that can also drain a relationship.

    Ask yourself if you spent a week together, or do that, how that would be? Before you make any decisions.


    • What are his circumstances? Is he providing you any support? Is he providing his family any support? Does he plan to go back to school? Is he making good money working at the supermarket?

      LDRs are hard to do and can lead to insecurities. What changed after a half a year at school that had you rethinking the relationship?
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      • I was in a relationship like that....But he was in South America, and I was in North. lol
        All I can say is at least your man is working. My ex didn't even finish elementary school, he was 20 and still living with his parents and not working at all. Which sucked. I felt trapped, because not only did my single friends get to enjoy like, even my friends with boyfriends got to at least hug theirs where I didn't.
        For awhile he started treated me like ********, trying to leave and then coming back. Making me feel like a complete desperate piece of ********...and you know what? I was scared to leave him pretty much for the same reasons you are. I was concerned for him. I truly did care. I loved him. But I feel sometimes people try sooo hard to make things work, and no matter how hard you try, some things are not meant to be.
        You obviously don't believe it's meant to be. Even if you tried, you have doubts. And that is totally okay. I understand it's scary and upsetting to leave some whom you've been with a great deal of time. I had to be strong and say no more. Because it was breaking up and getting back together more than 10 times. I relied on him for happiness, even though I was upset most the time. Finally I said no more. And you should too.
        It will be very heart breaking but you know what.....you will feel that freedom. I wanted it too! I wasn't free for too long though, because prince charming swept me off my feet and I'm not getting married. And I was so heart broken and depressed over this kid in South America, and it's amazing how less than a week later, someone could change that. He mended that broken heart that I felt was never going to heal.
        I didn't try to fall for my fiance. I tried to avoid him because I wanted to be free. But I couldn't help it. And maybe the same will happen with you too You could find the perfect guy sooner or later. You obviously haven't found 'the one', and you could be missing chances by staying with someone you doubt.
        One regret I have is being concerned for my ex's feelings. I didn't want to hurt him ever. But you know what, when it came down to it, he didn't give a rat's ******* about my feelings when we broke up. He called me a fat w******** and all this. I was being so nice about the break up too...and he was a jerk.
        You deserve happiness and it sounds like you are closer to finding it. Good luck!
        "Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame."



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