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this relationship is ripping me apart inside. i need help!!

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  • this relationship is ripping me apart inside. i need help!!

    okay so i have been in a relationship with guy for nearly 3 years..
    first year it was great, amazing actually. were engaged and happy
    2nd year i moved away for university , the relationship ended but we decided to give it ago
    3rd year i moved back to be with him - he promised me that we would be serious and get start a life together. so under those pretences, i came back.. but 6 months later we are having major dramas

    since i moved back, he no longer treats me like he did before i moved.. he is often mean, unreliable and is not sweet or romantic at all.
    - i had a pregancy scare the other week, he was distant and cold. - i felt like he would never be able to be a loving commited partner.
    i expressed me feelings to him and he pretty much said that he does not feel the need to treat me nicely because of my mood swings and that being nice to me would only be rewarding my bad behaivour.

    he is away on bussiness, he barely calls or texts, he says he can't because of work.. when i call he doesn't even sound happy to hear my voice and ends the call quickly..

    for these last few weeks i have been feeling so empty, alone and lost.. i love him but i am so confused as to why he treats me this way.
    last night i went out, after i burst into tears over how nasty he has been.. i was out, drinks were being handed to me and i bumped into an ex and it was fun, i felt sexy and confident. i did not plan on anything happening, but we kissed.. i feel horrible, alone and just plain dirty i don't know why i did, its not like me
    i jujst spoke to my partner on the phone, he picked it up saying what is up now?.. i started crying and hung up the phone. i sent him a text telling him that i can't do this anymore, that his actions are showing that he really does not want me , so i broke up with him..

    he texted back saying that he loved me and would call me after work ( he was actually being nice)

    now i am left confused, hurt and not knowing what to do.. i feel like i am loosing myself, i am totally lost and i don't know who i am anymore..

    all i want is for him to love and respect me like he did before.

  • You both deserve to be in relationships in which you are treated with respect and love...kindness and compassion. A couple may not always have that new excitement they do in the very beginning, but they should never lose their passion for one another. Did you quit college to be with him? If you did, that needs to change immediately. Crying, flying off the handle, hanging up, pouting, is not going to work. FOr the most part, those behaviors just turn men off. He needs to understand you will NOT be in a relationship that leaves you feeling empty, unloved, unwanted, etc. Also, keep in mind that a relationship is much easier to maintain when you're not living so near. That could be a big reason you all got on so well before. Now that you're closer together, and have gotten to know each other more, there's a great chance you're just not truly compatible and what each other needs.

    This isn't the end all be all. If he's not the one, someone else is.........and it's better to know that now than after you've married and are on here talking about how miserable your marriage is with a man that doesn't seem to love you.
    "Be what you're looking for."


    • He does not sound compatible with you. The first year was magical, but the second year destroyed that illusion. In the third year, you found out what he was like when he wasn't head over heels in love with you, but simply loves you. And you didn't like it. I think he sees you as needy and he dislikes that.

      As for communications when he is working, he has things he needs to do for his boss and his company to keep doing his job well. Try not to interfere with it too much. Emergencies are OK, but otherwise negotiate when would be the right time to call or text.

      Complete your education. It will give you focus in your life. Then get a job. With your own source of income, you won't feel as dependent on him.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      • the first year we actually lived with eachother and were engaged..
        the second year i got into university and i had to move away to do the course, we said goodbye then on the pretense that we would be friends, but we couldn't handle the thought of one another being with someone else so we gave things another go, long distance.. it was hard, a testimate to our relationship.
        now that im back though we are having to get use to eachother again, we had a whole year away from eachother. we both got use to being independant, we are having to learn all over again what it takes to be in a full commited relationship.
        i am still at university, i transferred back here to be with him.
        these last few weeks though, i have been wanting to take our relationship to the next level, i have been wanting a " commitment". where as he wants to wait.. i have been very emotional lately due to the pregnancy scare and him being distant. i felt i needed him to express what i meant to him, i wanted him to want more with me.

        last night, i was so very wrong. we were fighting and i felt alone and unwanted. i know its no excuse for kissing someone else but im lost and confused.
        i have already decided that if we break up , i am going to move and start a fresh.
        should i tell him that i kissed someone?


        • is it really needy to want a commitment from him when i have spent 3 years with him?

          is it so wrong to want to find out what his intensions are so that i don't waste my time?
          i moved back here to be with him, he knew that. if a commitment is not what he wanted he should of made that clear and not told me that he did want to give things a real go..
          i am studying to better myself and have a good career, all i want to know is if he wants to be with me. if he doesn't i will let him go and move on with my life..


          • i have been wanting a " commitment". where as he wants to wait
            It's fine to want to get married. But wanting it because you moved back to be with him, because it seems like the next step............despite the fact that generally your relationship since you've been back has been quite unhappy, in my opinion is unhealthy. It seems more like you want the commitment from him as reassurance for his feelings, not necessarily because you're head over heels in love with this man and want to spend every day for the rest of your life with him. He's making you feel unloved and unwanted NOW.......... do you think marriage would change that?

            is it really needy to want a commitment from him when i have spent 3 years with him?
            I don't think that's why jns said you seemed a bit needy. I think it was the calling/texting him while he's at work and busy and then when he answers rudely you get upset and hang up and then break up with him. That situation gave the impression that you expect him to be accomodating to you when you need reassurance no matter what he's doing. Doesn't mean that's the way it truly is, but that's the impression it gave.

            The bottom line seems to be that you want to get married. You want it...even though the relationship isn't happy or healthy, or anywhere near ready for it. You want it...because it's been 3 years and you think that's what should happen at this point. And because he's not giving that to you, everything he does at this point short of proposing is going to feel like rejection. He knows you want it, he feels pressured, and he's being smart right now by not proposing to you or marrying you. Not because you're not a wonderful gal, but because you two do not have a good relationship right now. Is it wrong to want marriage with someone you've been with for 3 years? Yes it is....if the relationship is unhealthy and unhappy. In that case it would be entirely foolish to marry.
            "Be what you're looking for."


            • I came back to post again because I thought of this after the fact, but dont' miss my response before this one too.

              I say these things to you because once upon a time not very long ago I was in a similar situation. We dated all through college. I never brought up marriage but at times he'd bring it up and tell me he wanted us to wait until I got out of college. But during this time, despite how much I loved him, he so often made me feel unloved. I was last priority in his life. Work came before me (not his day job, but after work kind of work), his family came before me, his friends, his hobbies like hunting, fishing, fourwheeling, demo derby's, etc etc etc. I started to wonder if I was wasting my time with him and so I became increasingly unhappy with EVERYTHING. Though I never said it or never pushed for it, I truly felt that if he'd propose that would reassure me of his feelings and I was resentful every holiday, every anniversary, every special occasion that passed in which he didn't propose.

              But then he did. We had been together for 5 years. Yes, I felt better....reassured for a while but it didn't take long for me to realize that things truly weren't going to change. I was still last priority. I still felt unloved, unimportant, etc. I still felt like he wasn't willing to make an effort at romance or anything he knew would truly make me feel good. I realized that in his own mind and heart he DID love me...but we were just not compatible. He was never going to give me what I needed in a relationship and I realized that I could NOT spend my life that way. 6 months after engagement, I left. Today, I think of what my life would've been like with him. I think of all the things I've experienced and felt since then that I would've missed out on if I had married him. And although I will always carry love for him in my heart and believe he's a good person with a good heart..........I'm truly thankful I didn't fall into a complacent obligatory marriage that would result in years of fighting and most likely, divorce.

              Think about it.
              "Be what you're looking for."


              • DO YOU

                Sounds like what you really need is some self love. You feel empty inside because you have been relying on him to fill you up inside. Take some time to yourself and do you for a bit. Ask yourself, what is the most loving thing I can do for myself RIGHT NOW? And do it! Take a hot steamy bath, get a massage, enjoy the single life for a bit. From the sounds of your boyfriends reaction, he aint goin anywhere for a while. Tell him you need some time and give yourself all that smothering you've been aiming at him. Trust me. You'll feel full and confident again, and your boy will want you more than ever before.


                • [QUOTE=adviceanyone;316261]he pretty much said that he does not feel the need to treat me nicely because of my mood swings and that being nice to me would only be rewarding my bad behaivour.QUOTE]

                  I have a real problem with this. Regardless of your behavior, human beings need to treat each other nicely. That is just decency. There may be many issues going on with your relationship, but how can any decent person not treat their partner, the person they care about, nicely! That is just a sign of somebody who is not a nice person. Do you really want to be committed to this person.

                  My advise is to stop moving around for this person - either moving to him or moving away. Live your life. Be a strong person. Don't let your life revolve around a single person. Otherwise you will constantly demand more than he is willing to give you and that will only lead to conflict.
                  Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


                  • thanks for your help guys.. i actually did put your words of advice into motion... i joined the gym, have been going almost every day and it has changed me. i feel happier and alot more confident and i have been leaving him alone. the end result, the other night he out of the blue said he wants to move in with me in 6 months..
                    i think he may be telling me what i want to hear to keep me hanging and waiting. i have decided to not ask about moving in together again just to see if he will actually pull through..
                    i have been doing alot of soul searching these past few weeks ( he is out of town on bussiness) and i have decided that if at the end of six months i am still not happy that i will move. where i live is a small town and every body is the same , i want a change and a new adventure..
                    i am over the cycle of him being mean than nice than mean than nice.. i just don't want to move away again and still feel the need to be with him so i am giving myself 6 months to either fall out of love with him or for him to be the man that i want.
                    to be honest i don't think it will work out, his family hates me and blames me for everything bad that has happened to my partner. i have tried to make them see that he is a 21 year old man and knows what is right and wrong and i should not be to blame for the cosequences of his actions but i suppose i am the easy target. his father would like nothing more than to see him and i fail. his father has him under his wing and i don't think he wants to loose that grip. i am what stands in the way of this fathers control.
                    gosh i feel so overwelmed - a part of me has had enough of hurting and so desperately wants a change of scenery
                    but the other half is still in love with him and does not want to run away again.

                    i told my partner that i am giving us a trial of 6 months, all he said was that i always run away when things get tough and that if i truly loved him that i would stay for as long as it took to make us work.. i am just so confused, my head is telling me one thing , but heart is telling me something else..
                    what do i do ??!!?


                    • I think the problem may have been in your approach. Even if me and my bf were having rocky times.. if he came to me and said 'look... i'm gonna give us 6 months to see if this is suiting me or not'. I'd probably not want to even stick around to wait for the judgement. To put a dealine.. its not a job, its a relationship, built on love and trust and working through the icky parts of distance, mood swings, emotional *** for tat retaliations (you are treating me bad, I treat you bad, you are ignoring me, I might cheat on you)..

                      But even in all that ugly, to put a probation, in the form of days.. outloud, to another person.. makes it sound a lot less than love. It puts pressure on, and even if one agrees to such an arrangment, actions and feelings are likely to be displayed in a less than natural status.. what if he does awesome and makes you feel like a princess for 6months... then 7 months in he becomes a jerk? Would you be stuck because your agreement was if he was good for 6 months you'd stay?

                      Do you see why putting a specific span of time can lead to unecessary pressure, not to mention.. may not make the slightest improvement that isn't just on the surface?

                      Its good to work it out if you feel for him, if you believe he feels for you.. then its worth it. But love is not all peaches and cream. it should be, however, more good than bad, more happy than sad.

                      Why not give it some time, but not express that in a verbal contract sounding context, and instead, just to yourself watch and feel for how things are day in day out. Don't just see your side, see his also... take a look at things you could do to make him happier, tell him the things it would take to make you happier... put your expectations in check, as yourself how realistic they are but don't bend on the important stuff like respect.
                      Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.



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