[BabyGirl]

He went to extremes by for one getting my name tattooed along side of his ring finger, introducing me to his family as his wife, and even planning an engagement ring to propose. All of that is where the confusion comes in because if he never cared he would have never done that right?

I can see where this can be very Confusing.The introducing you to his family as his Wife, when not even engaged is a bit Odd, unless you meant Future wife ? I'm not saying he didn't care about you, I'm sure he did care.It would be hard Not to care about someone like you, who stood by him all that time.

But.. I think you have solved the Mystery of what happened, yourself. He has been " controlled " for the past 10 years, told when to eat, sleep, shower, when he could go outside, when he had to stay inside.
And when he got out, he had the Impression that he could Control you because you loved him. His every wish or demand was his to Command from you.. And you wouldn't go along with that.

I'm sorry, I laughed at the

I told him that i didnt want kids until i was married and he told me that if he really wanted me to have a kid, all he had to do was throw a temper tantrum and i would go ahead and do it.

That takes allot of Gall to tell you you will have a Kid, when you aren't ready or want one yet. Just because he throws a Fit !

You did nothing wrong, you did something Right !You didn't let yourself be controlled. You set you standards and you stuck to them.You weren't a " Yes, whatever you want Honey " kind of woman.

From your other Thread

A month after he got out and we got into an argument, he turned on me, started mentally abusing me and then left me because he said i asked him too many questions and we argued alot.

The Mental abuse, was his way of trying to control you, when it didn't work, he left. I also have a suspicion, that his Family had something to do with the break up. After all, they had "lost " their Son , Brother, Cousin , for 10 years. And when he gets out, there he has a " Wife " or almost Wife. Even if they Liked you, it sounds a bit fishy that the sister was telling you to leave him alone so soon after the Break up.

I wonder if he is Bi~Polar ? It is very possible, after what he has been through the past 10 years. I have a Brother ,Kenny, that is Bi~Polar, Skitzo Effective, When in his " right Mind " and on his proper Meds, he's easy going, Sweet, kind. But have that Man off his Meds and he is the exact opposite and then some. Mean, Abusive, Violent. Kenny is flat out Crazy, certifiably so.
But Kenny is another Story.

You are lucky that you are out of this relationship. I know you are hurting now, but give it time, realize you were not at fault. As you said, you learned from this. Put your Guard up, but not so high as to not let that " Right Man " into your life when the time comes.
We've all had failed relationships, ones we felt were the Forever One. Time will heal, lessons learned. So be proud that you are a good and Loving woman.

Don't Dwell in the What if's or Blame yourself. Just make sure you are prepared and stronger for the next relationship.

[rubyrage21]

I cannot tell you how thankful i am to receive these elaborate posts. Even from the last thread. I guess i didnt look at it as him trying to control me. I always looked at his mental abuse as him deliberately trying to hurt me but for the life of me i couldn't understand why he would want to. He may have been a little insecure as well. I do believe his family had a lot to do with the break up. His sister for one did not want him to have a girlfriend and never responded to me when i tried to reach out to her, and his mother told him while he was in there that he should not be in a relationship and to wait until he got out and of course he didnt listen.

I laughed at you laughing about that remark he made in regards to "making" me have a baby. That was crazy and the fact that he actually said it made it even crazier and unbelievable.

He may even be BI-Polar as you stated and his may be hereditary because his mom in not okay in the head and i heard that his father isnt ok either, mix that with 10 years in prison and he may very well be.

Quite a few people have said that i am and should consider myself lucky to get out of the relationship because they felt that he would get worse. I cant wait till i am able to see it that way too and i admire the knowledge you have about situations like these. I was completely oblivious to anything like this. I took a huge chance on this man and the pain cost me a lot more than i bargained for.

I am going to use this week to really focus on not blaming myself. One day at a time. Thank you sooo much again for all of the advice and input.

[BabyGirl]

I always looked at his mental abuse as him deliberately trying to hurt me but for the life of me i couldn't understand why he would want to.

Ruby,
Sometimes we have to delve beneath the surface and understand that what is or has happened is not just a simple Black and White issue. He was 16 when arrested and spent 10 years. So here , he was controlled his whole life, so far.

Birth to 16, by parents and teachers and most likely " peers ". I say this as, I've said before 10 years is a Pretty Severe Sentence for someone that is only 16 years old.

Whether it was Drugs, Robbery, Rape, Manslaughter or Murder, Vehicular Homicide ( Drinking and Driving & killing someone, or Vehicular Assault, Drinking and causing severe injury while Driving ).
I doubt he got up that morning and for the First time in his Life, decided " I'll go out and commit ( fill in Crime ).
His decision was in somehow determined by choices he was given. And yes, by his Past and Childhood. If he was not given the proper Raising and Support and Morals and Supervision and Teachings . He would have, as most teens at least try once, to Rebel and Test the Authority's or just seek the Love and Nurturing he needed from others, and that can sometimes be the " Wrong Crowd "..

Which would be the next Group/ Person, of Controlling him. At 15/16 and sometimes younger. Teens want and Need Love, the also are on their way to becoming and Adult and needing to be Wanted and Needed themselves. They need Praise and they need Respect and they need Guidance and Consequences.
But he found that from the wrong place. It is Evident from his Imprisonment for a Crime. That it was not Recieved at home or by Loving Role Models.

** Note ** Not many Teens now will Admit this, but Trust me .. They will someday say " I wish I had or I wish I'd Listened ".

Anyway, once he committed the Crime, he was then Controlled by The Legal System, The Courts, Lawyers and finally the Public's Judgement of him, or the Plea taken .

Once Sentenced to the 10 years. There it is again .. Control, Total Control. The only " Control " he had was His Feelings, which most likely could not be Spoken out loud. And he had the Control over his Reactions to things. He learned, if he spoke out of Turn, or was Rude or didn't follow "Higher Ups " Rules and Requests. This included Prisoners that Ruled the Roost, as well a Guards.That his life would and Probably be Hellish. It probably was for awhile.

Then, comes You, However you started writing him or seeing him, does not matter. But what Matters is he Finally had someone to talk with, which built into Caring, which was built into his " Salvation " Of someone he could show his " Heart to his Dreams to, his Wishes to not be there and Go back To . "
And with every Loving and Positive word you wrote. He could feel it, he could share it with his " Celly" he could Prove he was Loved. He had someone Waiting for him . And that gave him Time and that gave him a " Protection " of sorts. Even a "Self Protection " of sorts . A Goal to get out and Maybe , Just Maybe. have a Real Life. ?


And he Latched on to that Positive , that Positive that someone Loved him, Wanted him, Forgave his Crimes of the Past . He told you his " side " of the Story. Now with Inmates, you have two kinds. The ones who take Responsibility for their Actions and the ones who Blame it all on others.

The ones who Take the Responsibility, say things Like " I was Stupid, I Followed, I Made a Bad Choice, I know it was Wrong, I'll Never ever do that again, or anything Criminal. I never want to come back here again. I have Learned my Lesson . I will be a Better Person.

The ones who, Don't Accept Responsibility, are the ones who say " I don't deserve to be here,I was Framed, It wasn't me, but I was with the Group/ Gang. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Can't wait to get the " F" out of this Place. Gonna Just do my Time and the Heck with everyone else.

When he Got out. There you were !!! Loving, Caring, Supportive. Things were good, for a while. He had his Family and you. He had his Freedom and You. And he was " Lost ". He had to take Control, for the First time in his Life. Real Control. He had the Privilege of Having Control. And he started with himself and You.
Can you see this ? Can you feel this ? In your own Heart and Mind Ruby . Can you understand That you were his Very First " Control " No longer,can Others Tell him what to Do, when to sleep, when to Eat. He now can Tell You, When he Sleeps or Eats and when he wants Sex ( or a Baby ) Sorry till giggling over that .

When and What he will do and Why. Was So New to him ...And you Argued, You stood your Ground, You said No and you gave your opinion , that's the reason of Arguing, different Opinions or Beliefs .

Then comes the " I just spent 10 years, if you Loved me, you would do it my way " or the " I'm your Man, You are my Woman, what I say Goes !! "
* By the way, it's not just Ex Cons that do this , It's Anyone who has " lost " the Battle in Love and try to start a Newly Released Relationship, too Soon .**

And Ruby, when He found that he Could Not Control You. He left, He Walked Away . It's not You he walked away from, it's Himself. He walked away, just as he learned in Prison. Walk away from Confrontation, Control yourself, your Space.

He is in his Mind he is following the " Rules ". But he is also "Testing and Straining " them , just as he did when 16.

Please remember he has NEVER had the Chance to be a Man Outside . He hasn't had the Chance to be Free, Make any Decisions based on Outside Life Experiences. Only the Inside Life. But He Chose, even wrongly, a 10 year life.

You seem to have given the much needed love and support to him and seems, even more than his Family did or Could.
And you fell for the fact of Helping and Supporting and Being there in Spirit, if not in Real Time. For this Man, that is still a Child, not by age, but by Growth.

You gave "Whole Love ".. Kinda like Whole Milk versus Low Fat or 2% . Lol
And when it came to it you wanted it all back. The Love, The Respect, the Balance of Normalcy. What are you needing and Wanting or Lacking in your Life Ruby ?
I'm being honest here and I know you will be also.

You can only move forward in this, by Accepting that you Gave and Supported and Challenged
and it is time to use your Talents and Gifts elsewhere. Your Motherly, Compassionate Nature, will be Appreciated someday. You will look at a Son or Daughter, being held in your arms, And Make 100% sure, That at 16. They will be going off to College, Not Prison .

[rubyrage21]

Thank you so much for all that you said. I envisioned everything that you were saying. I never looked at it that way as if i was his first control. Because i was asking to spend time with him, he looked at me as being controlling as though he had to answer to me and he didnt like it. he didnt like having to check in with me or tell me what he was doing or where he was going. He wanted to just live his life, do what he wanted to do whether it included me or not and for me to be okay with that and i wasnt. All of the love i gave to him while he was in there was unappreciated. Its as if he forgot and i was just some annoying woman that was always on his case. That is how he made me feel, and knowing that hurt me because he never got annoyed while he was way, and i never got annoyed when he was calling me 9-10 times a day running up my bill.

All i wanted from him was him. His time, his compassion, his love in a physical way being that we have been away from each other our entire relationship. He didnt want to give that to me. I never thought i would have to seek it from him, i thought it would have already been given to me. I just wanted him to be the man that he portrayed to be, the man i fell in love with. When he was in, he was very encouraging and always there for me but when he got out, he was always against me. He allowed his family to disrespect me in front of him and never stood up for me at all. I always felt like i was alone.

He was a troubled child as i soon learned after he got out and he started exposing another side of him. His step mother told me that as a child he was very impulsive and she considered sending him to a school that specialized in kids with impulses but because he wasn't her real son, she couldn't force the issue.

He played the "game" so well and i didnt know that i was a part of it. Now that he is out and "free" there is not telling what he is doing. I always tried to keep him on the straight and narrow but he rejected it and started resenting me and looking at me as a negative thing in his life. I was very uneasy throughout the relationship when he got out because i never fully trusted it and couldn't understand why i was having those feelings. I guess my intuition was telling me that it wasn't real and i was struggling to accept that. Because of those emotions, i was very sensitive and always expressed what it was that was bothering me and what i didnt like.

he lives with his father and his family now, under certain rules and restrictions but lord only knows how he will turn out once he is out living on his own. I guess that is when it will be revealed who he really is.