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Womans input would be a big help! Very confused

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  • Womans input would be a big help! Very confused

    Okay this has got my head wrapped in a twist big time! ,Ive known this girl for a few years up to this point but was only as someone ino not close or anything , she started speaking to me early hours one night around 3 weeks ago and we got on really well speaking constantly for nerly a week and that , I didnt think much of it at the time but then we met and i stayed over hers everynight for a weke straight just got on so well! ,

    The problem that eventually arised that i never new of was after a few days of meeting she started bringing up her X of how she hates him eg and eventually told me she had an abortion a month ago after only bein for him a week which ended a few months ago she felt it was right she told me of this rather than sumone else to tell me and that since ive been meeting her The X is really obsessive giving ******** eg for getting rid of the babey theres quite an age difference between them two also but she was 100% confident it is the right decision looking back on it.

    Im 23 shes 20 btw , she kept bringing up how much he hates him and all this which over the past weekend i sent her a big message pointing out that if you keep brining up ur X and the troubles you had your gunna push me away and i dont wanna feel compared to sumone else , Shes told me so many times that she really likes me and loves my company and hasnt felt this happy for a long time , shes always the 1st to start a convo or ask to see me eg, But a few hours after i sent that message saying how i felt and that she wrote me a big message saying how her head was in a massive mess and how she killed the babey and that we should be friends which to reading this i was shocked , She told me on more than one occasion that it never bothered her and that , So if me sending the message of how i felt has made her think "I best ditch him before he does it me" i wont no how to react to that to be honest , I havent seen her for 3 days she hasnt spoke nowhere near as much as she usually does and always takes hours to reply even when she isnt working ,

    The problem is here when i do speak she keeps saying how much she misses me and how she wants us to be so much more and when i say you wanted to be friends eg she changes the subject!
    She has still got some clothing of mine there at hers and ive asked to pick it up in morning so we dont have to see eachother for to long but she keeps asking me to go to hers at night and bites at me when i say the morning!,Reason for this is i do want her n really like here but i dont wanna admit that at this point and make out i want an excuse to see her after her stating she wants to be friends , So basically im trying to make out that im not bothered about sein her and then she becomes all "do whats you want then" and asking me if ive found sum1 else and that im bein funny eg ,

    My head is all over the place as i dont no what to think of all this one bit!

    So im goin to hers tonight to pick my clothes up what do you suggest is the best thing i can do here?

    Thx again for those who take time and effort to give me you input

  • Well...

    She's not ready for a relationship right now, that's a plain as a Dutch pin-up. Kudos to her for being honest about it to you; now, I'm sorry to say you need to accept this.

    What she does need is a supportive friend to listen to her and provide her with company. She's going through a VERY difficult time right now, she'd be struggling to deal with this with the support of her ex partner, attempting to go it alone whilst being bombarded with vitriol and abuse is going to make it unimaginable. I'm not surprised she chose not to have this guy's baby if he has this kind of mentality. Right now she needs attention, support, and needs to feel wanted and listened to. You fit this bill perfectly, and that's not a criticism, just remain aware of the fact that the attraction and feelings you have for her are not being reciprocated, I'm saying this to be an A-hole, I'm just doing my best to read into your post, we ALL lose our objectivity when we develop emotions, emotions allow us to bypass the logical reasoning process!

    If you can sustain a healthy enough boundary to stay around this girl without becoming attached and putting additional pressure on her then brilliant, she'll probably be very appreciative and you'll be doing a genuinely good deed. Does she have much of a support network of family and friends?

    If you can't don the above, and you think you'll only do yourself a disservice hanging around, I would stay away. Tell her the truth and move on, I'm sorry to say this is a non-starter, and although it sounds ruthless, her problems are not your problems, support her if you choose, yes. But remain aware of the fact that you'll probably never make your way out of the 'friendship zone'.
    "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]


    • Thankyou for your reply

      I think i forgot to clear up some points also

      Shes said on more than once occasion that she hasnt bene this happy for a long time , that she wants to be more than friends but do what wer doin now and work towards it

      And i agree with the part about bringing the babey up with a person who acts like this was a good choice not to go through with it,

      She has alot of friends and a close family so thats okay in that department

      One thing where im getitng confused is she knows i like her but i havent been obsessive or trying to spend every second with her that is always been her asking for this ,weve had sex pretty much every time weve met andin person wer great really are

      Im not in denial as such because i like the girl its just the principle of her acting all lovey duvvy with me quite alot up until i said about her brining up her X which was starting to get annoying that she changed person but still talks to me n acts like i mean more than a friend or could be

      I havent once pointed out that wed become more than friends or as such if anything ive played hard to get at times but been comical about it which we both find amusing

      I dont think i could be there for her as a friend as ino we both like eachother and we do act like wer more than friends most the time so id find that really hard and ino she would to but if it means me just telling her i cant speak to her anymore i think thats gunna be a hard task but i guess your right in that department so i think im gunna have to go through with it



      • I shouldn't say this, but that's never stopped me before...

        The most prudent thing you can do now is politely tell her you think the best thing for both of you is to spend some time apart. DO NOT start saying 'I can't be around you it hurts me that we can't be together' or any other gerund like nonsense. Prevaricate slightly and simply say you think the best thing for you both is to spend some time apart.

        Next you need to get out and start meeting other girls, go out and mingle. Do you have any friends who aren't part of your immediate social group? Go out with them and meet their friends. Talk to girls, mingle, make friends and you'll find yourself invited to their social events in no time. You sound like a good guy, in no time you'll be getting a 'my friend likes you...' from someone.

        Right now this is the best thing you can do, for two reasons: 1) this is pretty much the best way to make yourself look as attractive as possible to the other girl, as far as getting things off of the ground with her (and you're already in damage control) I'd say this is the only realistic chance you have. Women HATE the thought of losing a man to another woman, once the word gets out on the street you're 'fraternizing' with other women she'll need to raise her game or give up any chance of the two of you making a go of things. 2) If she does 'give you up' when you meet someone else, or are in the initial stages of meeting someone else then the good thing is, you'll have met someone else and won't care anyway.

        Finally, if this plan does work have you considered the issues this woman has and how much work it will be working through them with her? She'll likely need therapy (no criticism) and is clearly still upset about the situation and her ex's behavior towards her. Be sure the juice is worth the squeeze to you.

        No offense, I'm guessing you're quite young and relatively inexperienced. Her problems aren't your problems, when you get a girl pregnant accidently then it's your turn to deal with this kind of thing (hopefully that will be never) you should be out having fun, not picking up the remains of other peoples' lives. Support the people close to you by all means and be a good friend and confidant, but don't be an emotional tampon and the piggy in the middle. Know the difference: ensure you're the former (when it's required of you) and avoid becoming the latter.
        "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]



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