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I need a little advice

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  • I need a little advice

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. Things are going well, we of course have our bad days. Recently he used my computer and left his email up. We both have yahoo so when I got on to check mine I didn't realize it was his account. I hate to say I did a little snooping once I saw some emails he had. None of the emails took place while we have been together. They were all from personal ads on craigslist for random hook ups, I am bothered because quite a few were from men... and it goes pretty into detail (pictures and all) I don't really know what to do or how to bring it up if I should. I do feel guilty for snooping, I guess I got what I deserved. I have not mentioned anything to him and I don't know if I can keep that up.
    Does anyone have any advice on how I should handle this situation?

  • Well, if you ****do**** decide to talk to him, be sure to own up to the fact that he has every right to be mad at you for having gone through his email. I snooped on my husband while he was deployed because I felt that something was off- I found some rather disturbing things. I owned up to the fact that he should be mad at me, and that I didn't expect anything less of him. I told him to be mad at me, but that I still felt it was important for the two of us to talk about what I had seen. Or relationship was on pretty rocky terms at the time I finally brought it up, and it ended up helping us quite a bit. But, I was lucky in that he didn't keep on me about it, or hold it over my head. We joke about it now because it really did help our relationship- but that doesn't make what I did right.

    It's possible that he was just curious, or that he is bi, or that he did it for other reasons. If you feel that it is important to talk to him about, then do so. However, be aware that some people will leave a relationship because of this abuse of trust. Do you really feel that what he did before you were together is that important?

    Comment


    • I would definitely bring it up to him - own up to the fact that you "snooped" (which you know is wrong) but I'm sure that if the situation would've presented itself to him he would have also looked. It's human nature. Having a similar experience, I can tell you with certainty that if you do not discuss this with him, it will fester and manifest itself in other ways. And if it is a lasting relationship, you should be able to speak freely about anything. Just know that his "curiosity" is more common than you think. If he leaves you for looking through his email, you know it wasn't meant to be.

      Comment


      • Rosekitten, I must say I think you have a VERY mature outlook on this. I've not been privy to many women who - in 'real life' - would view the situation quite like this.

        I can't say how I would act or feel if I was bi-sexual, because I'm not, so I wont speculate. What I will say is as far as I'm concerned there is a HUGE double standard as far as bi-sexual women v bi-sexual men goes. Men who have experimented with a man are immediately labelled 'gay' (at least by the ignorant, and they are many) and may never, ever shake that label off. One incident can permanently affect his reputation, for the worst in many cases. I've known women who don't even get the 'bi' label for experimenting with girls.

        There are two issues here. First there is the abuse of trust, I'd say Rosekitten covered that better than I could have.

        The second issue is the fact that the OP is now aware of her BF's sexual past, whether she likes it or not. To be honest,if you're in a serious relationship with someone, I don't think it's unreasonable to have expected them to disclose the fact they were/are bo-sexual previously to you. As I mentioned above, the reason for this is most probably because men are just so harshly - and as I mentioned in a previous post - because of social pressure men gay and bi-sexual men actually wish they weren't guy and will (sadly) attempt to hide that throughout most of their lives. If I woke up tomorrow thinking I was gay I think I'd have great difficulty telling my friends and parents. I know real friends stick by you but the overall social impact would be more negative than positive, I believe.

        I think the OP needs to sit down with her BF, make a sincere apology, then politely ask if he's prepared to share his past with her.
        "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

        Comment


        • Originally posted by Karcha View Post
          I would definitely bring it up to him - own up to the fact that you "snooped" (which you know is wrong) but I'm sure that if the situation would've presented itself to him he would have also looked. It's human nature. Having a similar experience, I can tell you with certainty that if you do not discuss this with him, it will fester and manifest itself in other ways. And if it is a lasting relationship, you should be able to speak freely about anything. Just know that his "curiosity" is more common than you think. If he leaves you for looking through his email, you know it wasn't meant to be.
          Good post, I agree.

          I once snooped through my first GF's stuff (which in all honesty is quite unlike me, but I was 19 and insecure) and found a very personal poem and some letters she'd written (for herself I believe in a diary format) after she'd started having sex.

          I got exactly what I deserved because I was able to ascertain from her rather graphic diary type journalling that her ex a) had a huge penis; b) was a total 'killer' in the bedroom; and c) she loved him more than life itself (her words).

          Moral of the story: don't do the crime if you can't face hearing about the previous times!
          "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]

          Comment


          • Originally posted by buddhaboy View Post
            Rosekitten, I must say I think you have a VERY mature outlook on this. I've not been privy to many women who - in 'real life' - would view the situation quite like this.
            It was actually very hard for me. My first husband had cyber affairs that he claimed didn't "count" because even though he paid them more attention, it wasn't "physical" so it wasn't "bad" for him to do. I snooped religiously through his stuff towards the end of our marriage because I knew he was a liar, a cheat, and a horrible person. My current husband gave me access to his email for bill stuff because he didn't know any of his info, so it was easier. I abused that trust because of what I had been through previously. But, I grew a lot since my first husband, and while I knew what I did was wrong, I wasn't about to get taken for another ride through the lie coaster. I know I'd have been ****ed if he had gone through my email, so I was able to recognize that if I was going to force the issues of what I had found, I needed to own up so that we could actually deal with what I had found.

            I can't say how I would act or feel if I was bi-sexual, because I'm not, so I wont speculate. What I will say is as far as I'm concerned there is a HUGE double standard as far as bi-sexual women v bi-sexual men goes. Men who have experimented with a man are immediately labelled 'gay' (at least by the ignorant, and they are many) and may never, ever shake that label off. One incident can permanently affect his reputation, for the worst in many cases. I've known women who don't even get the 'bi' label for experimenting with girls.
            This is very true. I am bi, and I've known since about 4th grade. It was never a question for me, but nobody believed me. As it was, my parents didn't believe me until I brought my girlfriend home with me for a holiday break. I do know a lot of men who talked to me about their curiosities, but never with anyone else because they didn't want to hear the name calling or deal with the abuse. I'm not sure why it's "hot" for women to be with women and "disgusting" for men to be with men. It's possible that the OP's boyfriend was confused, or curious, or is legitimately bi. If that is a problem for the OP, it's something they should really talk about, but the reality is that he likely kept it from her because he didn't want to lose her over it. It may have been something he was at one time curious about, and decided wasn't for him. But, you are right, for some reason when men explore their curiosities they are often treated much more differently than women.


            The second issue is the fact that the OP is now aware of her BF's sexual past, whether she likes it or not. To be honest,if you're in a serious relationship with someone, I don't think it's unreasonable to have expected them to disclose the fact they were/are bo-sexual previously to you.
            See, and here I disagree. A persons past is just that- their past. She has no more reason to know that at one point he was curious than he has to know about how many partners she's had. I always leaned towards making my past an open book, but that was my choice. I never expected the same from the people I dated, because it didn't actually matter, and that was their choice. So long as a person is clean- their sexual history shouldn't actually matter. To some people it does. I know it bothered my husband for a long time, but the reality is that he didn't have to (or want to) know. He doesn't need to know how many partners I've had, and he doesn't ask.

            Comment



            • I would Own up to the " Reading " of his emails.
              I would be Very Honest.. I would tell him that you were Reading, what You thought was YOUR Yahoo... And by the time you realized it was his, that he forgot to sign off, you had read a few of his past emails.

              You can apologize for reading longer than you should have, but You are Human. Then I would ask him, if he was or is Bi Curious or was it just a phase ? Also let him know that you care about him or Love him if you do Love him . That his past has no effect on your relationship now.

              But you would like to know if his " Thought and Interests " include Women or Men or Both . Then be honest , Again, and let him know your feelings on his Interests in Relationships. This I mean , whether you can or will accept being in a Relationship ( Now ) with him if he is possibly into Guys also. I would also have this " Porn Talk with him " at this time.

              If you can accept and tolerate him, lusting after another Man, let him know, If he is able, with your " Blessing " Lust after other Women, Let him know .. If you want him to be Exclusive with you and only You.. Let him know that also.

              And I would be Very Curious as to why he still has Emails and Craigs List Stuff in his Email Box from almost a Year ago .. Especially ones with Photo's . Male or Female, if "Hook Up Photo's ".

              After the Talk with him and whatever Decision you two make. I'd teach him how to Clear History and Clear Yahoo / Emails and even the good Ole MSN, Yahoo, Skype Instant Messages .

              But Personally..
              In an Honest and Loving Relationship, each others Emails should not need Permission to Read. One should Not feel Guilty for reading something of the Partners. One should not feel the Need to " Hide " anything From Their Partner. This include Cell Phones. Texts or Calls.

              Simply, you will avoid any Suspicion, any Anger, any Doubt and any Guilt. If You start all New Serious Relationships, with a Clean Slate. Erase the Past, Don't Hang onto it, Start Fresh and Be Honest and Trustworthy from the Day you claim that They are " The One ".

              We carry enough Trash from The Past. Don't we ?




              Comment


              • You can always take baby steps. Bring up in conversation about two men together, but stay neutral on it; you are neither against it or for it. Just a neutral conversation. See his responses, hear what he says and how he says it.

                There is also that maybe he was looking for a threesome and the woman wanted another man involved. Whilst you don't have enough facts to jump to a conclusion, leave the door open for other possibilities. Maybe he was searching for a man for a female friend and she was searching for a female companion for him. Some friends do 'hook each other up'.

                Comment

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