[Magnetism]

I know this is a hot topic, as I'm reading a lot of dating advice and articles that think that a man paying for dates and courting a woman is unfair, or that woman that like to be pampered are spoiled and entitled.

I was raised that going dutch when dating is a foreign concept. When you're married or engaged, of course you share your money. I understand going dutch on dates boomed out of the feminist era, but my parents weren't from that era. I was raised to believe that a man that's absolutely crazy about you won't make a fuss about paying nor will he accuse women of being spoiled brats. If a man starts to complain about money or accuses women of being spoiled and entitled brats, then I was also raised to believe that it's an indication of how he will treat you later on in the long-term. I do have evidence to show that the men I've met, who were stingy and protective of their money, did end up having misogynistic views and didn't trust women.

I'm just wondering if people in 2012 still feel the same, or is it expected that both people pay their own way all of the time?

When I say that I agree about a man paying, I don't mean that he has to pay for EVERTHING. An ex accused me of wanting the man to pay for everything, but I've reciprocated by getting coffee, ice cream or doing something special on a guy's birthday or on valentine's day. You can reciprocate and appreciate your man treating you in numerous non-financial ways (cooking him a meal, etc). Just because you allow a man to pay doesn't mean you're just sitting there and not doing anything.


Now, it's a totally different thing when a man doesn't want to pay and the woman is forcing him to. I don't believe in that. If a man and I have different views on money, then we're just not a good fit and we say goodbye. Heck, I've met men that also force their girlfriends to pay for everything, and the women are okay with it. There are couples where both parties agree to split the bill, and that's fine too.

But, I don't think there's anything wrong with a woman recognizing that some men want to provide for the women that they love. Why is a man showing his ability to provide prized in other cultures, but taboo to talk about in America? If I posted this topic somewhere else, I'm I sure I would cause an outrage to both men and women. People here are very set on paying their own way and proving that they don't need anybody?

[rosekitten]

For me it usually depended on who made the date, how long we'd been together, and how they felt about it. Often I would ask guys out on dates, and then pay for it as well. I think so long as nobody is being used, or "kept in their place" it doesn't really matter.

[Guest]

I guess I'm "old fashioned"...whatever that means. I'm from the generation that a man pays...period.

Has nothing to do with the women's movement, and no, I'm not a biggot or a pig, etc. I've been in a relationship for quite a while and I still pay. Yeah, it's really nice when she pays for something unexpectedly, like ice cream, etc. I also don't believe or agree that "it's a new time, for a new generation..." That's bunk! - IMO. If men had any class or respect for the woman they are seeing for the first time (date) or the fifty first, they'd pay.

Men, if you can't afford it, then don't ask a woman out...or get another job. Women deserve to be treated with a higher level of decency than most of "today's rules" or "what's considered acceptable" allow.

My grandparents were married 73 years and 66 respectively and my parents have been married more than 60 years. In all three cases, the men honored, cherished and respected their wives, in part, by doing ALL of the "courting" (paying).

Just my old fashioned opinion....

[Little]

I'm with Rosekitten. It depends.

I guess generally the man will pay, unless I want to insist to pay my part or both parts. I would usually only insist on paying my part if I wanted to define the outing as NOT A DATE. Friend zoning, if you will. Just because I'll share a meal with a guy doesn't mean I want to share my sex life. If the insistence is because the guy is in dire straits financially and I just wanted to see him, I'll usually insist to pay the whole meal.
If a guy was courting me and paid for formal dates, I would try to reciprocate like you mentioned, Magnetism, by providing desert or cooking for him on another date. Most of the guys I've dated have been pretty formal and firm about paying for dinner at restaurants, but they have been more flexible about my paying for ice cream or groceries. Culture is weird!

[rosekitten]

See, even my guy friends and I fight over who gets to pay. lol They all know that we're just friends, so it's not about sex, but it is a game of speed. Shoot, I even do that with my FIL who is very old-school "women don't pay." Honestly, I did date one man who got super upset by me wanting to pay for the meal, because it wasn't "my place" to pay because "if we were to stay together I'd have to get used to just using his money since I wouldn't have any of my own." He didn't get another date. He didn't even get to finish the date we were on, I called a friend and had them come get me, because I couldn't believe that someone would speak to me that way.

But, barring hurt feelings or demanding expectations- I think it's fun to take turns paying for things.

[DreamP346]

Sometimes he pays the entire bill and sometimes I do. It's not about splitting the cost half way, it's just about being fair that one party doesn't get the financial burden. When I was dating, I never even thought about it. My husband said that when I offered to pay for a date, he really liked that. He said that while dating, women who expected the men to pay for everything usually ended up being a certain type and he really didn't like them. It was not about the actual money spent ( because he made 3 times what I did) it was the sentiment. Also, doing stuff like cooking dinner etc also counted.

[Magnetism]

I agree that whoever asks for the date should pay. But, the same men that complain about money are the same people that are the ones choosing expensive restaurants, ime. thanks for your replies, as I also go Dutch when I'm not interested in a man. Its my nice way of saying " let's be friends.". I think it's different when a woman offers to pay out of the goodness of her heart versus the man saying " we're going to split the bill.". When a man asked me to pay, I would dO it out of courtesy. In the back of my head, I would wonder the same things seeker advice is asking about. My good guy friend interestingly doesn't let me pay when I offer. This is a man that's the most craziest about me. He was raised that men pay, and he doesn't make much money. I guess it depends on the persons values.

[Quest]

Depends on who asked who out. If I ask her out and she comes, I should pay because it was me inviteing her.

[jns]

I guess I'm "old fashioned"...whatever that means. I'm from the generation that a man pays...period.

I am also from that background.

Sometimes a woman would always order the most expensive thing on the menu and another to go. That gave a man an insight into how a woman would act in a relationship. If the woman is buying and the guy acts like this, take it as a red flag. Stingy is not good and neither is wanton spending. Some spend money like it is burning a hole in their pocket: that is not good because the good times will not last forever. Paying for everything was no guarantee of anything, not even a kiss.

[Hopeless Dork]

To me... the whole who pays thing.. from dates to relationships is based on who has it to spend, really. If you're a well paid professional man and you're taking out a waitress - pay. Just pay. Or at least offer to pay. Good grief In that same vein, if you are a well paid professional female and you are taking out a guy you know has struggles. Pay. Just pay.

If you are on equal playing field as far as what you have goes... then I think whoever MAKES the date, asks for the date should pay, or at the very least offer to pay.

If a guy asks you where you want to eat and you know good and well he's struggling, and you pick a place out of his budget, you should pay or at least offer to pay.

I've never been one to expect to be treated like a princess. I don't ask for things I know my bf can't afford, I don't push for us to go on expensive dates or any of that. I'm broke, so when we do go out, yeah, he usually foots it. But I never demand we go out and to be honest I'm much happier staying in.

First dates when you guys don't know much about each other, I'm sorry.. I think the man really should pay. It throws everything off balance if he doesn't.. call me old fashioned on that one. But after that first date.. who pays should be related to who can afford to pay, and obviously if a woman or man can't afford to pay -- they should be requesting home dates, park dates, etc. It's silly to ask someone out and then also expect THEM to foot the bill for YOUR plans.