[Magnetism]

I am also from that background.

Sometimes a woman would always order the most expensive thing on the menu and another to go. That gave a man an insight into how a woman would act in a relationship. If the woman is buying and the guy acts like this, take it as a red flag. Stingy is not good and neither is wanton spending. Some spend money like it is burning a hole in their pocket: that is not good because the good times will not last forever. Paying for everything was no guarantee of anything, not even a kiss.

I wouldn't order the most expensive thing on the menu. In fact, I suggested to an ex-boyfriend that we stay home and cook, if finances were an issue for him. He turned the offer down, and wanted to go to pricey restaurants. He also would drop $1000 dollars on technology stuff, but would complain about not having enough money the next day. Everybody has the right to spend their money as they wish, but I'm concerned that one's spending habits reflect what kind of parent they will be (like going out to expensive restaurants and then complaining about the bill). What if my future kids need something important? Is a man going to say "I don't have enough money to buy you clothes, but I'm going to spend $500 on this new ipad for myself." . I know how children are affected by selfish parenting, so that's the last thing I would want to put my future children through.

I asked this question, because the man that I dated several months ago guilted me for being a gold-digger and said most men wouldn't want to date me. What's funny is that the Eastern European country he's originally from also didn't believe in going "dutch", but this was something that he was adamant about. My female friend from his country said "If he were to go back to Russia, women wouldn't consider him a catch with his kind of attitude. The men over there would even wipe off a seat clean just let a lady sit." He did say that he didn't like the women from his country, because they "cleaned men out." I don't think that's true. It's just that they were raised differently.

[Magnetism]

To me... the whole who pays thing.. from dates to relationships is based on who has it to spend, really. If you're a well paid professional man and you're taking out a waitress - pay. Just pay. Or at least offer to pay. Good grief In that same vein, if you are a well paid professional female and you are taking out a guy you know has struggles. Pay. Just pay.

If you are on equal playing field as far as what you have goes... then I think whoever MAKES the date, asks for the date should pay, or at the very least offer to pay.

If a guy asks you where you want to eat and you know good and well he's struggling, and you pick a place out of his budget, you should pay or at least offer to pay.

I've never been one to expect to be treated like a princess. I don't ask for things I know my bf can't afford, I don't push for us to go on expensive dates or any of that. I'm broke, so when we do go out, yeah, he usually foots it. But I never demand we go out and to be honest I'm much happier staying in.

First dates when you guys don't know much about each other, I'm sorry.. I think the man really should pay. It throws everything off balance if he doesn't.. call me old fashioned on that one. But after that first date.. who pays should be related to who can afford to pay, and obviously if a woman or man can't afford to pay -- they should be requesting home dates, park dates, etc. It's silly to ask someone out and then also expect THEM to foot the bill for YOUR plans.

This is all true, but in my last relationship-I was the one struggling whereas the man I was dating was quite well off. His reasoning for not paying was "I don't see why I should pay just because you're a woman. That's so entitled." I joked back saying "I'm sorry I was born with a vag****ina."


I hate to say this, but my financial stress was impacting the relationship I was in. There were many times where I wanted to stay home and relax, but my ex pushed to go out as much as possible and wanted me to spend my money on things that I didn't need. He would encourage me to buy ipads, which I have no interest in. He would tell me, "Don't worry about building a savings account. Who cares?" Huh? I think it's important to build a savings account for life emergencies.

I ended up giving in to his pleas just to be sweet, but I wish I was assertive enough to say "No sweetie. I'm going to stay home." I even would tell him "I barely have any money in my bank account left."When we were driving, I would also drive 45 minutes to his apartment and let him drive my car around the city. He said his car was old and broken, so he wanted to use my car every weekend. Given all of the gas money I must have spent for when dating, I think my financial contribution evens out with his. After we broke up, he went and bought a new car. He would call me an entitled gold-digger, but I felt like he was the one mooching off of me in some ways? I did say "If you're so worried about money, let me pay you back" I said this when we broke up. He got angry and said "I'm so insulted that you would offer me your money!" Wait, didn't you say that you want a woman that pays for half of the date? Why is it a big deal if I offer to pay you back for all the dates that you took me out on?

This relationship is over anyways, and I actually got offered a higher paying job just a few months ago. I'm enjoying the single life and am quite amazed that my male friends want to pay for me when they're not even dating me. I guess I'm trying to understand why my ex was so fussy about money. Maybe he was using it as a weapon or maybe he was trying to find a way to justify the break-up. Luckily, no man in my life so far has acted like this particular ex-boyfriend.

[Little]

Sounds like he was using it as a weapon, or at least a conversation piece. An excuse to complain and get you riled up, keep you under his thumb because he was sooooo put out to be paying your way at restaurants and you should "feel bad." It sounds like you guys were actually on pretty even keels to me.

I think it's important that people understand the social niceties that are required of them, but not take advantage. Men understand that there's an expectation that they pay for restaurants on dates - women should understand that this can be a pretty hefty financial requirement and order accordingly. I can't imagine someone who thinks they should order a to-go meal on someone else's dime, and that certainly says something about who she is. Just as it says something about a guy when he complains tirelessly throughout a relationship about paying but refuses any kind of more equal payment system. Maybe it's because of something in his past, some woman who really WAS a gold digger taking advantage of him, but whether or not there's a past event to trigger it, he's still acting out because of it now ... so it's part of his personality.

[SaharaJim]

???This is a question? (just joking I swear) But in the overwhelming majority of situations I pay on a date. I "expect to". Having my "companion" pick up the bill "occassionally" is a very nice surprise and tells me wonderful things about her "character". But;(snort snort MCP) I am in a much better financial position to pay. Yes I have dated some women far better able to pay ANY bill than I am...but they are usually "on guard" for the would be leach. Most "activities" I take dates on are not very expensive; (tickets for major performances being the exception),but the really "high-priced" type of events are things that I take a person that I am VERY serious about to.

[Magnetism]

Little-He didn't bring up the money issue until the 12th month of dating, which is when we were on the verge of breaking up. He could have had the opportunity to bring up his views much earlier on if he felt he was wasting time. Before him, none of my exes discussed splitting the bill. In fact, they were offended at me offering to pay, so those experiences stuck in my head that men felt threatened or would decline when you offered to pay.

I told him that I understand my ex's opinion of wanting both sexes to go dutch, BUT I also said I understand why people want to stick with the old-fashioned view. He said that he wanted me to adopt his opinion, but we can't force people to change their beliefs. The male posters themselves have done a great job explaining why they prefer to pay. It's about showing the woman you're with that she's special and you're serious about her. When my ex started to complain about money, it did correlate with how he treated me towards the end of the relationship. He also revealed that he was unsure about marriage and kids.
When I go on dates, I let the guy choose and plan. That gives him the opportunity to take charge and decide what's in his budget. If someone asks me to think of something, I choose coffee dates b/c they're cheap and put no pressure on the other person. Expensive dinners can come later on when you're serious about someone.

[LittlePip]

It's really interesting to hear how other couples pay. I always expect to pay my way on a date, I wouldn't dream of going out without enough money to pay. There are always the tricky situations like being asked out to an expensive restaurant, it really helps when the man pays but I still make sure if I go I have enough to cover it. I eat like a sparrow which can be a real disadvantage when he orders three courses with a fat steak and I order a tiny salad, 50/50 seems so unfair!

I love it when a man wants to take me out and pay, it makes me feel really special, it's definitely more about the sentiment than getting a free meal!

[Hugo-B]

I am also from that background.

Sometimes a woman would always order the most expensive thing on the menu and another to go. That gave a man an insight into how a woman would act in a relationship. If the woman is buying and the guy acts like this, take it as a red flag. Stingy is not good and neither is wanton spending. Some spend money like it is burning a hole in their pocket: that is not good because the good times will not last forever. Paying for everything was no guarantee of anything, not even a kiss.

I haven't had time to read all of these, and will do so later.

I agree JNS, I know you're married so this won't apply to you, but men, listen up: If you're out on a first date having dinner (which is a bad idea on a first date IMO, based on experience) and the woman starts taking the pis** ordering the most expensive things (definitely a red flag) and you want to see something very, very amusing When your turn to order arrives (for the benefit of any younger guys, the woman always orders first in a restaurant) say to the waiter 'I would like..., oh, and can we have separate bills please' the girl will have a look on her face like her kitten has just been run over.

A friend of mine was out with his buddy, and they met two extremely hot girls (the type and caliber of hot girls who think men exist purely for their benefit) my friends foolishly agreed to take the girls out for dinner (foolishly because a few drinks in a bar would have sufficed to ascertain the degree and level of sincerity of their interest) anyway, the girls just went on a complete fishing trip at dinner, ordered all the most expensive food, champagne, the lot. My friends quickly realized they were having a joke at their expense so politely told the girls they were popping outside for a cigarette, and went home. Leaving them to pay for the banquet they had ordered. How's that for retribution?

[notlikethenormal]

Guess I'll be in the "Old-Fashioned" group too...

On a first date, if he made the date, yes I would expect him to pay. If there was a second date I would prefer cooking him a meal. First because I very much enjoy cooking for anyone, especially a date or SO. Second because I'd want the date to have more of a laid back, casual feel to it. I'm not shy really, but I know that I don't let the real me out in just any old place so I'd want to be in a comfortable atmosphere in order to get to know him and let him see me better.

If the relationship were to progress it would become a level playing field. I love to spoil my SO, I get more enjoyment out of seeing someone I love happy than I do out of any material item.

[Hugo-B]

I stopped taking girls out to restaurants on first dates for several reasons I'm happy to discuss with anyone who's interested, but won't go into know since they're outside of the scope of the question asked by the OP.

This is how I do it: If I ask a girl out, and choose the restaurant (basically organize the date,which 99% of girls like men to do) then I pay. Simple. I have a favorite restaurant which I LOVE going to, eating out is one of my favorite things, I wouldn't say it's extravagant but it's somewhere I go to treat myself and it's not cheap.

I wouldn't take a girl there unless I was prepared to pay for us both, and whilst the bill won't break the bank I wouldn't ask a girl out and then expect her to cough up 50% of the bill at the end of the first date after she's agreed to let me take her out at my request.

MEN, UNDERSTAND: when a girl goes on a date, she tells ALL of her friends where you took her, so make an effort (and if you end up 'with' her, it's important to her that they like you) If you DO end up together, the story of your first date will be told TIME and TIME again, if it's Mcdonalds you will NEVER hear the end of it. Do NOT try too hard to impress her by taking her somewhere you cannot afford, if you do this regularly you're just creating a habit you cannot afford to sustain, but make sure you do make an effort and set a little money aside (miss out on a pay per view or a case of beer or something) and go somewhere where the wine isn't vinegary enough to put on the fries. When I used to go out on diner dates if it was somewhere quite nice I would make a point of subtly (and it was subtle) letting the girl know I wasn't in the habit of eating there every week and that it was a treat for me too, who doesn't like a lovely dinner in a nice restaurant after a day's work?

[Hugo-B]

Just to clarify, re me thinking dinner on a first date is a bad idea: To me, the first date is the meeting when you BOTH decide you want to meet up with someone AGAIN. IF you meet up with someone off of the internet for the first time, that's not the first date, it's the first meeting. For me, the first meeting is a quick, no pressure half hour coffee with no pressure. If that goes well, then yeah, we go for dinner. If I meet a girl out one night and we kiss and swap numbers, then text and speak in the week, then yeah, the next meeting's dinner or drinks or whatever she wants to do (if she gives any input LOL, not just the 'I don't mind').