I dated an older guy for 6 months. I'm 38; he's 60. He's not some 20-something player. He is losing his hair and uses Cialis. (Didn't matter to me.) He has been divorced for 15 years. That marriage lasted for 19 years. He said he took her for granted and focused too much on their 3 kids. She cheated on him, and he caught her. He has hardly dated for the past 15 years and hasn't been in a relationship, according to him and to my friends who have known him longer than I have.
He told me we were “made for each other” and that he didn’t believe in fate but would like to when it came to me. He said he never knew sex could be as special as it was with me because it hadn’t been that way with his wife of 19 years. He sent sweet text messages. He wanted to be exclusive and suggested early on we spend our weekends together. We took long walks with his dog, who loved me. And we went to France for a week in May, and I had dinner with him and his parents several times and met his 3 grown children.
The last few weeks he grew distant. At first, he didn't text as often. I sent him a text, asking if he was ok and telling him I missed hearing from him. He texted 3 hours later, saying he had not been sleeping well and was exhausted from the trip. After that, he stopped texting. I sent him a Facebook message a couple of days later, asking if I had done anything to offend him, and he replied the next day, saying I had not; he had "just been having to sort through some things."
After ignoring him for a few days, I received an e-mail from him early Monday morning. I guess this is a break-up letter? Here's his e-mail:
"I don't know what the right forum is for this, or whether it is just better to say nothing at all, but my feelings about my relationship with you are complicated. I'm not seeing anyone else, and that's not an issue, and I'm not upset about anything that you've done, but I began to examine what was going on between us, and it seemed clear to me that you were bringing a lot more emotion and passion into the relationship than I was. This wasn't anything intentionally deceitful on my part, it just was the emotional hand I was dealt. But, I began to feel a little uncomfortable with this, maybe a crisis of conscience, but it didn't really seem fair or right to you.
"As I'm writing this, I think maybe I need to have my head examined, for you're a beautiful lady, smart, interesting, we have so many things in common -- I couldn't go to the drawing board and some up with a more ideal woman. And the sex -- that's been pretty incredible. The time I have spent with you has been wonderful.
"But, something was missing for me. Why, I don't know. I'm not sure I can explain the reasons. I'm not sure if it had to do with the fact that I hadn't really had a real relationship in 15 years and the thought of it still kinda scares the **** out of me, if I'd kinda gotten set in my ways during this time, if it's that I was having a hard time opening after my divorce (I know I have a problem with this; defense mechanism, I guess). It's certainly nothing you did or didn't do. All I know is this is what I'm feeling, and it has been troubling me.
"I certainly don't relish hurting you -- I'm sorry about that -- but I haven't really known how to address this issue, and I didn't think things needed to go on as they were. I guess maybe it would be better to address these issues in person, rather than by e-mail, but I'm not sure I could remember all this if we were talking in person and things got emotional. I told you this was complicated; at least it is for me. I don't know whether addressing these issues like this makes you feel better or worse, but I'm hoping trying to explain things will be better in the long run. I do think you are a special person."
In the middle of the day Monday, when I hadn't responded, he sent me another e-mail, saying, "For what it's worth, you did look beautiful Saturday night." (We saw each other at a musical event in our small town but did not speak because of the awkwardness.)
I sent him an e-mail Tuesday, asking, "So where do we go from here?" He responded last night (Thursday): “Don’t know right now.”
I'm beginning to think commitment phobia may have been the problem. He seemed really "into me" for almost 6 months. And now he feels as if his "emotional barriers" might have been the problem, but, at any rate, his feelings are "complicated."
Looking back, I see some red flags. He told me that during his childhood years, his father (who's now 85, with whom he seems to have an amicable relationship, and who has been very sweet to me) was very hardened. He was a doctor who worked long hours, and this man felt like he was never good enough for his father or that sometimes his father didn't even want him around. He dated his ex-wife for 7 years before they married. He said he was an indecisive person, and it was really hard to get into that relationship and then really hard to get out when it broke apart. When their first son was born 29 years ago, he had a really hard time dealing with the commitment and suffered from anxiety. Of course, he hasn't had a "real relationship" for 15 years, but he did tell me that the women in whom he got interested were usually "inappropriate" for him: "gum-smacking waitress types" with whom he nothing in common and it usually wouldn't work out.
Still, I find it hard to understand why someone seem so invested and affectionate for the first five or six months and then turn so quickly. So was he just not “into me” after all, or does he sound like a potential commitment phobe?
He told me we were “made for each other” and that he didn’t believe in fate but would like to when it came to me. He said he never knew sex could be as special as it was with me because it hadn’t been that way with his wife of 19 years. He sent sweet text messages. He wanted to be exclusive and suggested early on we spend our weekends together. We took long walks with his dog, who loved me. And we went to France for a week in May, and I had dinner with him and his parents several times and met his 3 grown children.
The last few weeks he grew distant. At first, he didn't text as often. I sent him a text, asking if he was ok and telling him I missed hearing from him. He texted 3 hours later, saying he had not been sleeping well and was exhausted from the trip. After that, he stopped texting. I sent him a Facebook message a couple of days later, asking if I had done anything to offend him, and he replied the next day, saying I had not; he had "just been having to sort through some things."
After ignoring him for a few days, I received an e-mail from him early Monday morning. I guess this is a break-up letter? Here's his e-mail:
"I don't know what the right forum is for this, or whether it is just better to say nothing at all, but my feelings about my relationship with you are complicated. I'm not seeing anyone else, and that's not an issue, and I'm not upset about anything that you've done, but I began to examine what was going on between us, and it seemed clear to me that you were bringing a lot more emotion and passion into the relationship than I was. This wasn't anything intentionally deceitful on my part, it just was the emotional hand I was dealt. But, I began to feel a little uncomfortable with this, maybe a crisis of conscience, but it didn't really seem fair or right to you.
"As I'm writing this, I think maybe I need to have my head examined, for you're a beautiful lady, smart, interesting, we have so many things in common -- I couldn't go to the drawing board and some up with a more ideal woman. And the sex -- that's been pretty incredible. The time I have spent with you has been wonderful.
"But, something was missing for me. Why, I don't know. I'm not sure I can explain the reasons. I'm not sure if it had to do with the fact that I hadn't really had a real relationship in 15 years and the thought of it still kinda scares the **** out of me, if I'd kinda gotten set in my ways during this time, if it's that I was having a hard time opening after my divorce (I know I have a problem with this; defense mechanism, I guess). It's certainly nothing you did or didn't do. All I know is this is what I'm feeling, and it has been troubling me.
"I certainly don't relish hurting you -- I'm sorry about that -- but I haven't really known how to address this issue, and I didn't think things needed to go on as they were. I guess maybe it would be better to address these issues in person, rather than by e-mail, but I'm not sure I could remember all this if we were talking in person and things got emotional. I told you this was complicated; at least it is for me. I don't know whether addressing these issues like this makes you feel better or worse, but I'm hoping trying to explain things will be better in the long run. I do think you are a special person."
In the middle of the day Monday, when I hadn't responded, he sent me another e-mail, saying, "For what it's worth, you did look beautiful Saturday night." (We saw each other at a musical event in our small town but did not speak because of the awkwardness.)
I sent him an e-mail Tuesday, asking, "So where do we go from here?" He responded last night (Thursday): “Don’t know right now.”
I'm beginning to think commitment phobia may have been the problem. He seemed really "into me" for almost 6 months. And now he feels as if his "emotional barriers" might have been the problem, but, at any rate, his feelings are "complicated."
Looking back, I see some red flags. He told me that during his childhood years, his father (who's now 85, with whom he seems to have an amicable relationship, and who has been very sweet to me) was very hardened. He was a doctor who worked long hours, and this man felt like he was never good enough for his father or that sometimes his father didn't even want him around. He dated his ex-wife for 7 years before they married. He said he was an indecisive person, and it was really hard to get into that relationship and then really hard to get out when it broke apart. When their first son was born 29 years ago, he had a really hard time dealing with the commitment and suffered from anxiety. Of course, he hasn't had a "real relationship" for 15 years, but he did tell me that the women in whom he got interested were usually "inappropriate" for him: "gum-smacking waitress types" with whom he nothing in common and it usually wouldn't work out.
Still, I find it hard to understand why someone seem so invested and affectionate for the first five or six months and then turn so quickly. So was he just not “into me” after all, or does he sound like a potential commitment phobe?
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