[Benni]

My guy and I met online, through a group we belong to, this past February. By May, we were chatting several times a week. The end of July, we are chatting nightly for up to 3 hours -- sometimes twice a day.

We've come to know each other very well -- exchanged emails, photos, etc. We have each other's address and phone numbers. We have really fallen for each other. I wouldn't say 'in love' yet as that is better learned in person.

We want to meet but can't afford it right now. He lives in Newfoundland Canada, I live in Texas. Yesterday, he said he wanted me to get my passport now so when we did have enough money, I could fly out to him (his expense) without waiting for the passport to go through.

Passports are $135, no way I can afford that on my retirement income so I told him I'd have to save for it. He said he would send me the money for it this weekend!! While it is a wonderful heartfelt gesture, I feel uneasy taking his money!

I've always thought that as long as the man is in control of the money, he is also in control of ME -- so this makes me a little nervous.

Should I let him do this for me?

[jns]

It depends on whether you want to see him soon. Would he be willing to fly to meet you at your place? How about you take it as a loan and pay him back at maybe $10 a month. Relationships don't get stronger unless at least one of the parties is willing to roll the dice.

[Little]

You feel uneasy about his paying for your passport, but what about the plane ticket out to see him? That would be the much, much higher expense - but you didn't mention uneasiness at his paying for that.

Some people with more money than others just want their loved (or liked) ones to have the things they want them to have. Like if you want to go out to eat with your best bud, but she's flat broke or you know she's struggling, so you pay for her. That way, you can both enjoy the outing. I've never really experienced the level of helping out that your friend is talking about, but in theory, it could work!

But it does beg the question, why won't he come to see you? Can he get a passport? Is he mobile, does he drive? What would your living arrangements be when you came to see him? I hear that Newfoundland is desperately sparse of civilization - are there even any hotels near him? You are right to be wary, but I feel like you're wary of the wrong thing - maybe you can throw the idea of him visiting you out there, just to see what he says.

[Benni]

Thank you jns and Little for your replies. He is sending the money for my passport this month, then next month he will get his. Sometimes he talks of me coming there, sometimes the 2 of us meeting at a mid-point here in the states. He cannot afford the trip right now, it may be up to a year. But, he wants us to get our passports now so we are ready if something comes up sooner and he can cover the cost of the trip.

He (and I agree) doesn't want to come here as the heat would be too much for him to tolerate. If I go there, I will stay at his neighbor lady's house (elderly friend of his). If we meet, he will pay for 2 rooms (unless things go well, then one room will be taken out of the equation).

I have discussed the money issue with him -- that I don't want to feel obligated to him. He said "I do not want to buy you. I want us to enjoy each other and have fun."

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Benni,

A year is a long time. I would start planning as well, seems this is what your male friend is doing. Even $5.00 a fortnight equates to the passport monies.

The thing to consider I guess, is this "feeling" could change over the months and he's already purchased the passport for you. If it turns "un-fortunately" to friendship, I think you will feel horrid and want to pay him back.

He is saving for his own, an air-line ticket, 2 hotel rooms or 1, lunches, dinners, petrol, all sorts of things. But it seems in order for him to do so, it will take him up to 12 months and he is hoping it will be sooner..

That's a big burdon on him. Why not re-visit what you spend and see just how much you can put aside.. And both plan together, no matter what you can contribute, you are contributing to a future possible relationship.

12 months for him to find all of this money may end up being too much of a strain as well.

What do you think?

[Benni]

It's very hard for me to put back money as I live on Social Security. He knows this and that's why his generosity -- plus it's something we both want badly. And, yes, if the relationship goes badly before a trip is possible I would feel horrid. I would borrow the money to pay him back, for sure.

The reason it might be a year is because he's using the next several months to pay off his mortgage, then he said the trip money will come easy for him. He plays the lottery every week and wins here and there. He's hoping he'll have a big win before that and can meet with me sooner. I don't put much hope in that, though.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The reason it might be a year is because he's using the next several months to pay off his mortgage, then he said the trip money will come easy for him.

I don't want to put doubts into your mind, but be careful anyway ok. Don't get your hopes up too high or let your heart go fully until you've both met and spent time together.

Is he paying his Mortgage off, in-case you two get on so well in person, he may sell his home?

That would make sense, otherwise If I was falling in love, I'd pay 3/4's each month and use the balance to get you over "here" to see where we go with this.

CW

[Benni]

Oh, I'm trying to be careful, thank you. No, he's paying off his mortgage so he's free of it before he retires. Nothing to do with us.

We talked on the phone for almost 3 hours last night. He kept me laughing nearly the whole time, which I love! Plus, there was more talk of the upcoming trip. He is such a darling!

[lizzardb63]

Be sure to meet each other in a public place no matter how well you think you know him. It's ALWAYS better safe than sorry. Also- I think it would make more sense since the trip money would come easier for him after his mortgage to come by you. At least then if something WERE to happen, you're still in the States. I'm not saying he is a bad guy or some sort of criminal, but I was always taught to be leary about those you meet on the internet. Also- if you meet in a public place and things don't go so well, you can find an excuse to bail and there is less embarassment and easier to get out.

[Benni]

Well, meeting at the airport will be pretty public. I've met guys from online a few times and am always careful when meeting them. Always in public.