[littlekitkat]

My grandfather died yesterday. We're all (as a family) obviously devastated at his sudden passing. I however, am distracted a bit by a new worry:

I'm in a (very) new relationship. (we've known each other for five months and have been dating since late July) We're taking things (very) slowly. He has not met my family yet. I have not met his. My dad though, wants him at the wake to support me. I don't think it's the right time for him to meet my family yet, as we'll all be in grief and not really "with it" so to speak. I want him to meet my parents when they're happier and it's a normal, non tense, situation. Dad insists that if we're moving forward with a relationship (and we are) that he should be there. Truthfully, I don't want him there, as it will make me nervous on top of being upset. I want to see him later on in the day by myself.

Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, because if my boyfriend comes, I'll be tense. (My stepfamily is a bit nutty...and not in a good way) If he DOESN'T come, my family will immediately write him off as an jerk, especially my dad.

I don't know what to do. What would you do in a situation like this?

[KMonte85]

Personally, I wouldn't bring him there. Yes, it is nice to have your boyfriend around for support, but that is the inappropriate time to introduce him to your family. You all are grieving a man whom your boyfriend has never even met. Not to mention, as uncomfortable as you might having him there, I am willing to be he will be abundantly more uncomfortable being there around a grieving family he doesn't know. I'm sure he wouldn't mind meeting your family, but it should be in a different setting.

You need to explain to your stepdad, or another wise/well respected family member if you think your dad won't get it... tell them that as much as you want each other to meet, it won't be in that setting. That day is specifically for grieving your loss and celebrating the life of a great person... it isn't social hour/meet and greet time.

Tell them it would be both uncomfortable for you to have him there during such an intimate family time, and unfair to your grandfather and his legacy to focus on a new relationship/boyfriend, when you should be focusing on honor your grandfather's memory.

[littlekitkat]

Thank you so much. I wanted to explain it this way, but I didn't know how to put it into words. People were starting to act as if there was something wrong with me for not wanting him there...or like I was hiding something. I'm not. I just don't think it's the right time yet. So glad I'm not alone in feeling this way.

[Little]

Make it clear to your father that you forbid your brand-new boyfriend to come to the wake. It's not about him. It's about you. Wakes are for the LIVING. And it's your grief. It's awful behavior for him, in this painful time, to make ultimatums about a relationship he's not part of.

Chalk it up to your father's own grief and ignore his poor advice. If you don't feel you want your boyfriend there and you don't feel you'll be able to take that time to grieve your grandfather, you don't have to bring him, and to heck with anybody else.

[DreamP346]

Tell your family that your boyfriend wants to come but YOU are the one that is saying no, because you want to focus on your family's grief, not on introductions. Tell them that you will make a formal introduction a few weeks after the wake. This way they don't think you are trying to hide something. Make sure your boyfriends sends a card or flowers or something to your family, so they will realize he is not a jerk.

[jns]

Generally, I would say that a wake is for family, but your relationship isn't new and sounds like it is moving to being more formal. In this case, I agree with your father. Your bf should support you by being there, but in the background as much as possible. That means not being in most of the pictures, not getting in conversations and having a demeanor that is fitting for the situation. Further, he should give you all the time you need until you are ready to leave. He may end up sitting alone off to the side for long stretches. A hard role to handle. Your father can learn a lot about his character by doing this. Trust me, if your bf is there, your father will be watching his actions. If your bf does everything correctly it will go a long way for acceptance by your father, man to man. BTW, with your bf being at the wake, there will be no pressure for you to leave early.

If he doesn't want to support you in your grief, I would have questions about his sincerity and if he cares for your family. If I was him and I was told that I wasn't included, I would wonder if I could fit into your family. If I was you, I would let him prove he is a gentleman.

Just a guy's opinion.

[littlekitkat]

Thank you to everyone for the advice. In the end, I decided to meet up with my boyfriend later on in the day. We went out to dinner and he stayed over at my place and looked after me. My parents are very angry at me for not inviting him to the wake. Dad has since cooled off...my stepmom has barely spoken to me since Saturday night and at the wake behaved pretty cold towards me. Hugged all the grandchildren in the foyer except for me, kept my father...or anyone really...from approaching me at the wake so I mostly sat by myself, until my brother arrived, realized what was going on, and sat with me. I guess it was punishment for not listening to her or something, I'm not sure.

She blew up at me on Saturday and said that she wasn't giving me any advice regarding our relationship anymore. I know this was immature on my part (have since apologized) but I replied "Great!" Which angered Dad, who accused me of being a player. (without getting into too many details with my boyfriend over it, I talked about it with him and said I was worried I might be stringing him along...that it wasn't my intention. He told me not to worry about it, and said that I wasn't being a player at all.

Later, I got the courage to confront my father. I told him unless I was being harmed in some way, our relationship was none of his business. I would introduce him to family when I felt it was time to do so. I also told him it really made me upset and very anxious that he would give me ultimatums on a relationship he isn't a part of, especially in mourning. He apologized, but my stepmother ether refuses to speak to me or snaps at me. This is what she often does when she doesn't get her way. This time, I've chosen to stick to my guns. I hope this works out.

[KMonte85]

Good for you, kitkat! And thank you for coming back and telling us what you chose to do.

There is no real "right" or "wrong", just what you feel. You followed your gut, and for that you should be proud. This is your relationship and your time of grieving - no one should try to intervene or manipulate that unless they feel you may be in some kind of danger (which this situation is so obviously not the case).

Your stepmom sounds like a master manipulator. I'm glad you've recognized what she's doing and are still sticking to your guns. I mean, reallly now, what a silly thing to get so upset about, and furthermore, what a terrible environment (the wake?) to try to inflict punishment ... unless this was/is her way of dealing with the loss/grief (deflection), I don't see the point in being so angry over your choice of when to introduce your boyfriend to your family.

Anyway - it's over now, what's done is done. Your stepmom will probably get over herself in time, and you can introduce your boyfriend to the family on your terms.

[littlekitkat]

Oh she definitely is! (another reason why I've been so hesitant) I usually make the mistake of opening up to her, little by little, and she'll usually pry details out of me. Then my words are usually thrown back in my face during an argument later, so that's my mistake. She'll usually take something...a situation...a problem...a solution...even a person...and makes it hers. So I wasn't surprised when she tried to make my relationship all about herself.

This is a woman who sued her own parents.

At any rate, I'm so glad this is behind me.