[Amber]

I don't know if you are always considered a recovering alcoholic once you stop drinking. But I contacted a guy after reading his profile on a dating website. I didn't realize at first that under drinking, it said never. I asked him about it. He came back with saying the reason why he stopped was because he felt he was drinking too much at one point and stopped. That is how he put it.

I then asked him if going into a bar or pub bother him. Or does it bother him if someone drinks in front of him.

He said he doesn't go into bars much at all but when he does, it isn't for very long. He said it is difficult to explain and how he feels about it has changed since he stopped. He said it was more difficult to be around it when he first stopped."

I enjoy fruity martinis and margaritas. Or a glass of wine. I like getting a buzz but I never drink enough to get drunk. Did that once and it wasn't fun. But what happens when I go to a restaurant with someone like this guy? I'm guessing I shouldn't be drinking or I will be wondering if it makes him feel uncomfortable. I'm guessing I would have to give up listening to j a z z or blues in a small pub or bar. (Since when has j a z z become a swear word and will get xed out on this site? lol They must like hard rock here! ) I really enjoy that and don't have anyone else to experience that with anymore.

I'm just wondering if I should get to know him better. Do you think I would have to stop drinking if I was around him? I don't know how long it has been since he stopped but I wonder if he can stay on the wagon or if he would drink again when times get tough. Obviously, seeing so much TV you think of violence when he is drunk. I can honestly say I have never had any experience with an alcoholic. I am lucky to say no one in my family ever was one.

I'm at the point that I am only emailing him. I haven't talked to him on the phone or met him yet. He does sound pretty nice so far. Should I ignore the fact that he is a recovering alcoholic right now and meet him. Or should I run for the highest mountain and not look back? Would you give a guy like this a chance?

[Claret]

As someone whose ex was an alcoholic and from attending meetings in trying to learn to cope with his disease, if he had quit drinking for 10 years, he'd still be considered an alcoholic but in recovery. It never ends. Unfortunately my ex chose not to do anything about his drinking and his behaviour deteriorated into abuse.

There are recovering alcoholics that are able to be around people that drink in moderation, ie out to dinner and have the other person have a drink of wine with dinner etc. Unfortunately, being the only sober one amoung a group of drunk people is not fun, I've been there and perhaps this is what he doesn't want to do. The only thing you could do is outright ask him if it would bother him if you had the odd drink.

[Amber]

Claret, I asked him if he is ok with people drinking around him and he sort of danced around the question. I wonder if that is because he hasn't been recovering for long. Or he just isn't comfortable with it still or what. I don't want to ask him how long this has been going on, only because I already discussed it briefly in two emails and I don't want to keep harping on it, not if I can help it. But this is what I wrote.

Does going into a pub or bar bother you? Or someone drinking in front of you? I'm not one to get drunk. I got drunk only once and close to it a few other times but that is it. I will admit I do enjoy a buzz some times. A fruity martini or a margarita. Or a glass of wine.

This was his response.

I don't go to bars much at all but it doesn't bother me too much I won't burst into flames or anything like that but when I do go it isn't for very long. It is difficult to explain and how I feel about it has changed since I stopped. It was more difficult to be around it when I first stopped.

Not sure what to think at this point.

[jns]

Recognizing that a person has the weakness of alcoholism is a big thing for that person. Backsliding is always possible, so keeping the temptation away by not being around alcohol is a reasonable strategy. An alcoholic is such, that if his or her will breaks down and they have a drink, they most likely will think they could handle one so they will have a second. The second could be at that time or at a later time. So far so good, but they will not recognize that they are on a slippery slope and soon will go back to heavy drinking. Not much different than other true addictions.

[Claret]

At this point in your relationship you have the option of cutting all ties and finding someone that doesn't have excess baggage or issues in his past. You may be lured into this relationship thinking you can help, but the only one that can do anything should his sobriety fail is him. You'd be on the sidelines, shaking your head, wondering what in the world was going on. You may be attracted to his determination to keep sober, but what if that faulters? You may think you can live with his sobriety, but what if one day you have a couple of glasses of wine and he calls you a drunk. Think hard about getting into any relationship with a man that obviously feels so strongly (at this point in time anyway) about drinking, when you like to have a social drink on occasion. You have nothing invested at this time. If you feel this could be a deal breaker for you, as it is, or if he falls off the wagon, then try to find someone else that has the same vested interests as you. You could keep him as a friend - if that would work - but why prolong something that may be inevitable.

[Amber]

I like drinking. i don't get drunk but I like having a buzz some times. It makes me wonder if I should get involved with someone like this. Especially since I enjoy going to a bar or pub to listen music. He probably couldn't handle that either. I feel like I have given up so much thanks to my feet and knees. Not sure I want to give up my enjoyment in a buzz also. Not sure if that is selfish or foolish but I can't help it.

Not sure what to do right now. I guess the fact that he couldn't just come out and say that he is fine with someone drinking in front of me makes me feel hesitant here.

[Amber]

Claret, I didn't see your post when I posted my last one.

I kind of think you are right. I will admit that I'm getting desperate here when it comes to online dating. So many guys want to be physically active when I can't be because of my knees and feet. So that limits the guys I can be with a lot. There are other things also I do stay away from also. While, I'm trying to make being a recover alcohol out to be not a big deal, if I really look at it, it can be. Especially when I don't want to give up drinking and the guy can't even say he is comfortable around people drinking.

I think I am going to get rid of this guy before I start to like him even more. Thanks you two!

[Claret]

Alcoholics, even ones in recovery, are just one drink away from a relapse. Maybe it wouldn't be fair to him, to have him being around someone that drinks even if it's just one or two, let alone someone that likes to "get a good buzz on" once in a while. For both of you, I'd say break it off.