[Kaye67]

So . . I have this friend (and this is not one of those situations where the friend just so happens to be me . . No, this is real) One of my best friends is currently having some issues so I thought I could share it with you guys so I can help her better.

Anyway, she's been in a relationship with this wonderful man for the past year and a half. Recently, he lost his father and as expected of course has been going through a lot. Up until about 3 months after he lost his dad, they were practically living together but she moved back home so now they are 3000 miles apart.
I'll just be blunt, he's a bit emotionally cut off and she's found herself yearning for that caring nature that her boyfriend always had. This has led her to become friendlier with another man in her life, a wonderful man too who just happens to be single, caring, thoughtful . . Things have never been physical between them but he's there for her in ways her boyfriend can't be at the moment so of course it's only a matter of opportunity before things get really complicated. They are both aware of how tricky their situation is and are not deluding themselves. It seems to me as though they need each other . . No matter how wrong it might be. I mean is it really emotional cheating if your boyfriend isn't particularly receiving of your emotions?

I've been in a somewhat similar situation just a different set of circumstances and it didn't end well. I ended up causing a whole lot of hurt but while I was doing all that I did, it just felt right. Which I'm sure by the way, is exactly how she feels.

I really want to help steer her in the right direction but I feel as though I'm a bit prejudiced because of my own experiences. Any help you can offer will be greatly appreciated, thanks in advance.

[lizzardb63]

To be faithful means to be committed not only physically, but emotionally too. They may not have done anything physical (yet) but it's still wrong to invest emotions (other than simple happiness you'd get from a friend) in someone other than your significant other. If she wants to salvage her relationship with her current boyfriend, she must distance herself from this new friend. Or...she may have to reevaluate whether her boyfriend can give her all she needs. I'm sure the fact that they are 3000 miles apart doesn't help, but she still needs to make a decision of who she's going to invest her time/emotions/and physical pleasure with.

[azalea]

Unfortunately, I had something very similar happen to me. I was involved with a guy whose father passed away. He moved home to be close to his mom, and he became very distant. He stopped picking up the phone, stopped writing to me, stopped seeing me. He was in shock, and I was willing to let him have as much space as he possibly needed. He ended up leaving and dating a girl closer to home.

I think that he is going to be different. He has suffered some severe emotional changes, and he will need time to recover, or he may never quite return to being himself. Has she been able to talk to him? Have they talked about ending their relationship so that he can have some time and space to himself to overcome the trauma of losing his father?

I don't think it's wrong of her to have feelings for someone else, she's probably in shock too from her boyfriend's sudden life changes. It's not really under our control who we feel attracted to, it's a natural thing. It's very hard to have the emotional support of a lover one day, then it just vanishes... she is trying to fill a void in her life. She probably feels helpless because there's nothing she can do to help her boyfriend, and she's feeling stranded and is looking for support. I do think that she should avoid getting physical with the guy for now, though, because there might end up being a lot of drama that would be very stressful for everyone involved.

The best advice I can give to her is to talk to her boyfriend about whether or not they should end their relationship... not because they don't love each other, but because their lives and their needs have changed. He might feel hurt about the idea of her leaving, in which case, they should talk about how to make it work. He might agree that he needs space and time to cope with his trauma. Neither her or her boyfriend are at fault, nobody has done anything wrong... it's just a very tough time, and unfortunately they need to find a solution for the new circumstances.

I'm not sure if that helps at all, heh. Just try to be supportive and understanding of her :]

[Kaye67]

Oh, it helps!!

She's talked to him before and asked him if he would prefer space but he refused and instead she tells me he's talking of marriage. She didn't mention the doubts she's been experiencing, all things considered it just didn't seem wise. But do you think she should? I mean talk about those doubts?
She's going with the give him space and see if he'll come back . . The problem with that is that it comes down to waiting . . And that can be torturous because she may not even get what she's been waiting for at the end of it all.

I absolutely understand that she should simply pick one but let's just be honest, that is much easier said than done.

Thanks guys.

[azalea]

She's talked to him before and asked him if he would prefer space but he refused and instead she tells me he's talking of marriage. She didn't mention the doubts she's been experiencing, all things considered it just didn't seem wise. But do you think she should? I mean talk about those doubts?

Oh my, it sounds like he's going through a lot and is thinking of marriage to try to hold their relationship together. Maybe he thinks it will somehow make the distance between them better. Unfortunately, as many people will tell you, marriage isn't a special glue that somehow keeps relationships together.

Doubts are an incredibly hard thing to talk about in a relationship, but they're also one of the most important. He should know that she's having doubts so that they can work through them together. He may not even realize that she's having doubts, he has so many other emotions going on.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Recently, he lost his father and as expected of course has been going through a lot. Up until about 3 months after he lost his dad, they were practically living together but she moved back home so now they are 3000 miles apart.

Can you please explain for me and the readers, why she moved back home, some 3000 miles apart?

Absence can and should make the heart grow fonder however, love is a word used flipently in my opinion. 12 weeks after the death of his Father is not a long time to grieve. I am going to sound horrible but it appears to me that she is a little bit either over him and doesn't care or is self centred, only interested in that word "love" and all that goes with it, not at all about peoples emotions.

If I was in love with someone and his Father died? I would totally know that he would be going through depression in a big way, stand by him, be there for him however I can and if I see it getting worse, ensure that he gets help, because depression can lead to suicide.

I am sorry but reading what you have written tells me she is either over him or she doesn't understand what constitutes love , real love... My heart would be breaking for him but she is viewing whether she should move on.

I don't believe that she really loves him to be honest and should just let him go however, ensure his family know so they can get him help if this kicks his butt as well as the death of his Father.

[Kaye67]

She moved back home because of work.

Because she's my friend, I feel the need to defend her but I believe you have a point . . . Absence should make the heart grow fonder.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know with friendships, the two things to remember are, 1) accept them for who they are and 2) be there when they fall.

Same rule applies between her and her boyfriend because love is also about a strong bond and friendship.

You can't help her make up her mind, decision. But you can perhaps open her eyes as to whether she really is in love or not. A person who then makes that conclusion should move on before "moving on", it's not fair to the other person to be cheated on, emotionally or physically...