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Am I in the wrong?

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  • Am I in the wrong?

    I have been in an on-off relationship with a guy for just over a year. We were together then he dumped me for another girl. He continued contacting me while he was with her then eventually he dumped her and we started seeing each other again. It was very casual at first and I told him I wanted a proper relationship or would walk away. He said he didn't want to lose me and despite his, 'commitment issues', said we would start dating properly rather than just having a casual, physical thing. Three weeks later he changed his mind again and said he couldn't do the commitment thing and called things off. I was once again left heart broken. Yet despite this he still continued to contact me and we met up a couple of times. I was once again given the false hope that he might want more from me yet, after another few weeks, he said he thought maybe we should have some distance from each other. I left it and tried to get over him but as usual, he contacted me. He told me that he wanted to start 'from the beginning' and get to know me again putting all the other stuff aside. He said he missed me and was contacting me every day saying he couldn't wait to see me. We met up together and it led to sex, following that he went completely quiet on me. We were due to see each other at the weekend but he texted me quite curtly saying he couldn't be out for long as he had other plans. I went mad at him, said he is a complete user who is only interested in me when he wants sex and that next time he is horny he should watch some porn rather than contacting me and that he didn't deserve my friendship. He told me I was outrageously out of order and that I had known what I was getting myself in for all along and that he wanted to 'draw a line under everything'. He said I was wrong to put all the blame on him for our situation because I was always a willing participant. He said he had wanted to get to know me 'without the sex', as if that is all I had ever wanted!! I could have done without it completely! I had told him all along that I wanted more of a relationship and he would always say things like, "You never know" or "let's see" which gave me the impression he may see things moving in that direction.
    Now he is completely ignoring me. I know that I was a complete idiot to keep going back to him but honestly in my heart I thought that the more I tried, the more he would feel for me. (He has a LOT of issues and I felt sorry for him and didn't want to give up on him). He knows that I had fallen in love with him because I told him my feelings for him were genuine and real. There were times I thought his feelings were becoming real because the things he said always reeled me back in...I kept thinking, he can't let me go so he must have feelings for me. I know I am a complete idiot but I loved this guy because the good times were so good. Was I in the wrong for calling him a user?

  • Right and wrong just doesn't matter. He isn't a good match for you. You need to find someone who wants the same sort of relationship that you want.


    • I think you need to walk away from this one. You have been hurt more than once in this relationship-he flip flops on you, leaving you confused and upset. True, you keep going back even though you know what may happen, but he seems to fill you with false hope each time. You need someone who wants what you want.


      • It doesn't sound like he is going to change. Why should he? He treats you like crap, avoids you for a while, contacts you and you take him back. He is getting what he wants and walks away. You state that he has also made the comment that you knew what you were getting into and that he has commitment issues. You are banking on him changing, and he has shown you over and over that he is not going to. Sorry sweets, this guy is going to use you as long as you allow it and you deserve much better. And to answer your question, he is a USER!


        • rcoreyus is totally right. That must have been so hard for you, you obviously had genuine feelings for him and he played with it, even tho it wasn't intentional.


          • I was in a relationship with this guys emotional doppelganger. For a whole year he kept me strung along. It was very casual at first, and I came to have real feelings for him, but every time things seemed to get emotional he went cold on me and acted like he had better things to do. He was always available for late night "calls" though. Finally at the end of a year he said he wanted to be with me, that lasted less than a week before he went frigid again and stood me up. I finally went on with my life and am so glad I didn't waste anymore time on the guy. He had emotional issues stemming from his marriage and just wasnt ready.
            “The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.” - William Arthur Ward



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