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Need third party perception on jealousy and communication issues with BF

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  • Need third party perception on jealousy and communication issues with BF

    I have been dating a very nice guy for 4 months. He is sweet, sensitive, supportive, and very dedicated to me. On the other hand, he has also been bordering on suffocating, needy, in that he needs us to be together every night, and started talking about moving in together at 3 months together.

    My real issue at the moment is that he tends to get jealous at times, tries to not let it show, and makes weird comments at times. Then when I try to talk to him about it he talks around it, acts like he was joking, or turns it around on me, and I get no where. Most recently, my ex boyfriend texted me one night just being weird, and I told my bf about it, like I do everything. Later I was talking to my bf about our relationship and how we work things out when things are rough, totally unrelated to my ex texting, and he said "You talking like that makes me think you have feelings for your ex". I tried talking to him about it, but like always said he was joking, and turned it around and twisted it, and did nothing but furthur frustrate me. This is not the first comment like this, and it's really starting to get to me. THEN, the very next morning he checked my text messages, and I know because my new messages were showing up already read. This enfuriated me. I had it out with him. He admitted to it, but while arguing he still talked around things, did not acknowledge my issues, same old. He eventually started talking to me about it, but mainly just begs me to not dump him. He is begging me to give him another chance, but I am so concerned these are signs of worse things to come.

    MY issues with this also is, I was married to an extremely possesive, controlling, sociopathic abuser, who checked everything of mine constantly and accused me of cheating even though it was all completely unfounded. Also, my passion in life is dancing, and for me to be able to do this in a relationship, my partner needs to be very secure. So I am VERY gun shy about jealousy in relationships and is a total deal breaker for me. I just don't want to be jumping the gun here and reacting prematurely because of my own issues. When him and I first started dating I made it very clear I would never tolerate jeaousy or possesiveness and I would walk if it happened, and he acted like he completely agreed and said the same. I don't want this relationship to end, especially if this may be an issue that might be worked through, but I also don't want to continue to invest more time and emotion into a relationship that is doomed. Am I over-reacting or being inflexible? I don't have any good friends I can talk to at the moment and just need another insight into this.

    Thanks for reading!
    “The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.” - William Arthur Ward

  • If you dislike jealousy and he is becoming jealous, then he probably not the one for you.

    Do you dance with a variety of partners or mostly just one? I think a lot of guys would be insecure with a person who's passion is dancing and it has to be done with a variety of partners. I suppose dancing can be seen in some ways as flirting to steps. If there isn't at least some flirting in it, it may not be seen as having passion. Is he good at dancing?
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • Either he needs to be willing to have an open, honest conversation about the problems you're seeing (no hiding behind humor or deflecting), or he needs to hit the road. You have hard limits about jealousy and insecurity. He knows that, you were very upfront about it given your past relationship, so I don't know how he thinks it is ok to be overly jealous and then beg for you to not dump him.

      If you care for him enough to give it another chance, then do so. But don't let it become a pattern. If he says he'll change and stop being jealous, then he needs to show it. And if he can't, then you're both better off parting ways and finding a partner who suits your needs better.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by jns View Post
        If you dislike jealousy and he is becoming jealous, then he probably not the one for you.

        Do you dance with a variety of partners or mostly just one? I think a lot of guys would be insecure with a person who's passion is dancing and it has to be done with a variety of partners. I suppose dancing can be seen in some ways as flirting to steps. If there isn't at least some flirting in it, it may not be seen as having passion. Is he good at dancing?
        I have been a dance instructor for the last 4 years. I am involved with circles of dancers, so yes, I dance with many people. I don't look at dancing like most people do, as a passionate or flirty act. I see dancing more like a sport, like tennis. He is good at what he knows about dancing, but that isn't much, I have been teaching him here and there. It may seem unfair possibly that I expect a man to be completely fine with this, but I don't feel that way.

        He finally had a decent, open conversation with me about it. He admitted he had thoughts alot about loosing me, that he evasive about talking about problems because he has a hard time facing that we have any problems and the thought of us splitting. But says he will change, was so sorry, and totally understands what he did wrong and my problem. This makes me feel much better. BUT, in my experience, sometimes a person may understand what they are doing, but the same emotions well up and they can't change their behaviors. I am giving him another chance, but with both eyes open.
        “The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.” - William Arthur Ward

        Comment


        • danceintx,

          His insecurities will not die easily. Whatever you do, DO NOT move in with him. That he even asked when he has only known you for three months suggests desperation rather than a mature approach to a relationship. You are correct that just because one understands the source of his emotional reactions does not mean that he has either changed them or controlled them. It is only a first step. Without some serious work, you can expect him to snoop, spy, interrogate, etc. if you are living with him. He just may get better at hiding it.

          Date for longer if you want to make your boyfriend a fix-it project. Otherwise, it is time to find someone who can handle you being you.

          Good luck

          Comment


          • 4 months is still the "lust" stage there should be no jealousy.

            You need to be ascertive and back off in my opinion. He needs to learn that if two people love each other, that's it, there is no reason to fear and he needs to give you space to miss him and him you, not be a puppy dog, by your feet every single day. See him less, tell him you want quality time to develop the relationship into an honest secure one.

            This way in my opinion, you really will see just how in-secure he is, or if he can step it up and be a man and get over it.

            No point heading for what you've already come out of, you learn't from that, problem is once we are in a relationship, it's hard to get out of, you wonder if you are doing the right thing, would things change, is it you...

            Bottom line is, what you see at the beginning is the real person, and people can not change, should not change, they are who they are if you don't mesh, you don't mesh.
            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

            Comment


            • Jealousy like this makes me uneasy, as does the idea that you do, and he expects you to "tell him everything". His checking your text messages is also concerning. There shouldn't be secrets in a good relationship, but there also shouldn't be snooping.

              I've been married for 25 years. I've never checked my wife's text messages, web-history or email, and I don't think she has looked at mine. I don't ask who she has had lunch with - except maybe once in a while out of casual interest, and she doesn't ask me. She has male friends she is in contact with fairly often, as I have female ones.

              Its certainly possible that something is going on behind my back - but even if it were, that wouldn't be as bad as living with someone I wasn't able to trust. At the point where you are constantly monitoring your partner, you have lost trust, so what more is there to lose if they actually did cheat?

              Comment


              • Sounds like your current has some issues.

                Issues that either he needs to fix and get over or get lost.

                Trust is huge for most couples. So is communication and the ability to communicate properly with your partner.

                Many things you said in your thread sent up red flags, as far as I'm concerned, you need to continue to "date" until these issues are resolved.

                Comment


                • I agree with all of you. I was not in anyway about to move in with him. Even if we didn't have leases that don't end for awhile, I wouldn't do it. I have learned that lesson the hard way. We are still dating, but I have the same concerns that you guys do. He has been cheated on, but heck, so have I, and even worse!! I am just being very careful for now. Thank you guys for your input.
                  “The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.” - William Arthur Ward

                  Comment


                  • The first thing I was going to type, after reading the first sentence of your post was 'he will never change!!!" leave while you can! or at least, stop it in its tracks!
                    Then I read the rest. I think you are me in the future. I'm in the midst of leaving an extremely jealous and controlling relationship- so, like you, I know it never changes.
                    So it sounds like you have a good thing going with this new guy. But seeing how you laid down the law at the outset, I wonder why you're willing to allow even a sliver of it? Easier said than done, of course, but if you came from a relationship like that in the past, maybe you should learn from the past?
                    Forgive me, I don't mean to sound judgmental. My own issues are showing, I know. I look back on my relationship and think that (since the jealousy showed up very early-almost day 1) I could have stopped it back then or left him back then. And I convince myself that in the future, if I were ever to be in another relationship, I (like you) would not tolerate the slightest bit of jealousy or control. I think that no matter how awesome a guy is, don't invest any time in something like that....because that only gets worse and worse, never better.
                    Good luck! =)

                    Comment

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